The joke thread
Mar 7th 2009 | 3:44 am
#32
Thread Starter
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,830
From: UK
Re: The joke thread
HER SIDE OF THE STORY :
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought
it might have been my fault because I was a bit late
but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't
remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could
tell there was something wrong. The conversation was
quite slow going so I thought we should go somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a
bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do?
What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to
cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering
him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he
was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really
sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I
said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me!
I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know,
he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back
to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break
up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I
tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV.
Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me?
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he
would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I
was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was
in here going through emotional turmoil.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an
intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really
distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because
I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He
didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just
don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to
feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused.
I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to
play mind games with me? I mean, do you! think he's met
someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY :
Bad week at work. Arsenal lost. Knackered.
Got a shag though.
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought
it might have been my fault because I was a bit late
but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't
remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could
tell there was something wrong. The conversation was
quite slow going so I thought we should go somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a
bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do?
What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to
cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering
him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he
was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really
sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I
said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me!
I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know,
he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back
to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break
up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I
tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV.
Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me?
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he
would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I
was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was
in here going through emotional turmoil.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an
intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really
distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because
I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He
didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just
don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to
feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused.
I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to
play mind games with me? I mean, do you! think he's met
someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY :
Bad week at work. Arsenal lost. Knackered.
Got a shag though.
So true 
Mar 7th 2009 | 3:45 am
#33
Thread Starter
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,830
From: UK
Re: The joke thread
Delivery man breaks down on the M4, so he flags down Paddy.
He says to him, ''I've got six monkeys in the back, I'll give you £100 if you take them to Bristol Zoo for me.''
Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way down the motorway with the monkeys still in the car!
He flags him down and shouts across, ''I thought I told you to take them to the Zoo?''
Paddy shouts back, ''I did, but I've £30 left so i'm taking them to the pictures.'
He says to him, ''I've got six monkeys in the back, I'll give you £100 if you take them to Bristol Zoo for me.''
Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way down the motorway with the monkeys still in the car!
He flags him down and shouts across, ''I thought I told you to take them to the Zoo?''
Paddy shouts back, ''I did, but I've £30 left so i'm taking them to the pictures.'
Mar 7th 2009 | 3:52 am
#34
Logical & Hot Stuff
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 19,815
From: Ontario's Armpit
Mar 7th 2009 | 11:52 pm
#35
Thread Starter
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,830
From: UK
Re: The joke thread
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old Fella .
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful..
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old Fella .
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful..
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
Mar 8th 2009 | 5:09 am
#36
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 15,883
Re: The joke thread
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
Mar 8th 2009 | 7:04 am
#37
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 15,883
Re: The joke thread
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We
find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We
find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Mar 8th 2009 | 7:53 am
#38
Banned
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 3,824
From: the GTA
Re: The joke thread
Jock meets Tam in the High Street.
'
How's it goin, says Jock,
Nae Bad, says Tam,
How's the wife then, says Jock,
Och, she's deid, says Tam, I murdered her,
You didna? says Jock,
Aye I did, says Tam, come wi me and a'll show you where I buried her.
So they go into backyard of building where Tam lives and there is a large mound of earth with a human arse sticking out.
There's she's is, says Tam,
Oh ma Goad, says Jock, but why is her arse sticking up in the air like that,
Says Tam, Och, so a've got a place to park my bike.
'
How's it goin, says Jock,
Nae Bad, says Tam,
How's the wife then, says Jock,
Och, she's deid, says Tam, I murdered her,
You didna? says Jock,
Aye I did, says Tam, come wi me and a'll show you where I buried her.
So they go into backyard of building where Tam lives and there is a large mound of earth with a human arse sticking out.
There's she's is, says Tam,
Oh ma Goad, says Jock, but why is her arse sticking up in the air like that,
Says Tam, Och, so a've got a place to park my bike.
Mar 8th 2009 | 10:18 am
#39
Forum Regular
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 90
Re: The joke thread
Did you hear about the man who fell asleep on the steps of a synagogue?
When he woke up he found somebody had nicked his pullover...
When he woke up he found somebody had nicked his pullover...
Mar 8th 2009 | 2:18 pm
#40
BEER Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 587
From: Riverdale
Re: The joke thread
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We
find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We
find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Mar 8th 2009 | 2:44 pm
#41
Fluffy Dippindoodle
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 908
From: Newfoundland at last!
Re: The joke thread
Did you hear about the short-sighted circumcisionist?
He got the sack.
He got the sack.
Mar 8th 2009 | 5:31 pm
#42
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,377
From: Cowichan Valley, Vancouver Island, BC
Re: The joke thread
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick .
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick .
Mar 9th 2009 | 7:18 am
#43
Logical & Hot Stuff
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 19,815
From: Ontario's Armpit
Re: The joke thread
Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
''In over 20 years i haven't because i try to remain professional'' said the doc,
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery!
The doctor burst into uncontrollable hysteria.
''I'm sorry, I really am..I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now, whats the problem?''
''It's swollen'' said Bob
''In over 20 years i haven't because i try to remain professional'' said the doc,
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery!
The doctor burst into uncontrollable hysteria.
''I'm sorry, I really am..I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now, whats the problem?''
''It's swollen'' said Bob
Mar 9th 2009 | 10:09 am
#44
BEER Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 587
From: Riverdale
Re: The joke thread
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
Last edited by Bleepedy Bloops; Mar 9th 2009 at 10:14 am.
Mar 9th 2009 | 10:16 am
#45
Born again atheist
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 30,259
From: Europe (to be specified).
