Q: What did the Egg say to the boiling water?




















A: "It's gonna take a while to get me hard - I just got laid by some Chick!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we 're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.'

When her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, the boy's mother rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure when it's passed?" the woman asked.
"Well," said the doctor, "you could stick him to the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

Sister Senga and Sister Helen, are travelling from Scotland through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

Aw naw!' shouts Sister Senga. 'Whit are we gonnae dae?'

'Turn the windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?' shouts Sister Senga.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen..

'Aye, that's whit tae dae,' says Sister Senga. She opens the window and shouts.......

Get tae f**k aff the f**kin' car ya f**kin' wee b*st**d"

Alan Shearer has won the title of worst caretaker in the world. Ian Huntley came second.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?




Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

Piglet thought how lucky I am to have a friend like POOH. POOH thought If that ****in PIG coughs its Dead!!!

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.

Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada . "

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Interesting statistics. A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH


He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her..

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the total number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem..

That's 33..

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJ5w4MkFofc

Just a silly one......

IMPORTANT NOTICE



If you receive an e-mail from the NHS telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu, ignore it.



It's just Spam

what do you call a eygptian taxi driver?

toot-an cum-oot !

There was this rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant especially in language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular camp ground and asked for reservation. She wanted to make sure the camp ground was fully equipped but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote it down, she thought she was still being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode as the "B.C." "Does the camp ground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the camp ground owner wasn't old fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the old woman was talking about. That "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the camp owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church , sat down and wrote the following reply:


Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the camp ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time. It is located at a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the B.C.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded, we had to stand up the whole time we were there. Sometimes it is so crowded, there are 5 to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely due to the lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit you down and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to have a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are a friendly community.

Sincerely yours,

David Miller
(The camp ground owner)

Copied this from the 'Licensed Manitoba Realtor Commissioner of Oaths' post's . he's never heard of the joke thread on BE

A man walked into the ladies department in John Lewis. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the assistant.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the assistant, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras"

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The assistant replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
__________________
www.StewartMann.com
Licensed Manitoba Realtor.
Commissioner of Oaths.

The joke:



The movie of the phone calls received about the joke: