I know its all the text messages I have more but some not suitable for the board.

Graham Norton had one on his show last week - it looked real enough, was in a posh box etc.

There's this guy and one day, when he's pissing, he notices that his penis is orange. He goes, "What the hell?" and he went to the doctor the next day. "Doc, why's my penis orange?" he asks. The doctor goes, "Hmm. Never seen anything like it. Here, take a couple of these pills and come back here tomorrow."
So the guy takes the pills back home and uses it that night. The next day, he goes back to the doctor and the stuff doesn't do anything. So, the doctor gives him some stronger stuff and tells him to come back the next day. He takes it home and the next day, his penis is still orange. He goes back to the doctor and he gives him the strongest stuff they have. You know, he'll be out for twelve hours and he can't eat or drink anything during that time, etc. He comes back a couple days later and his penis is still orange.

The doctor goes, "Damn. What's going on? What kind of sex have you been having?"

The guy goes, "Well, actually, I haven't gotten any in a long time."

So the doctor thinks a little bit and asks, "Well, what'd you do last night?"

The guy says, "Um, I was looking at some pornos and eating some Cheetoes."

WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age

Thanks polly

Junk mail in my inbox

Wall Street Stockbrokers

Back in the 1929 Financial Crash it was said that some Wall Street Stockbrokers and Bankers JUMPED from their office windows and committed suicide when confronted with the news of their firms and clients financial ruin . . . many people were said to almost feel a little sorry for them . . .

Now the attitude has changed somewhat:

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/2008/...p-you-****ers/

The link doesn't work.

Marriage is prostition without the sex.

I know I tried as as I could to rectify it but its the fault of the the brainy Programmers. The link has unfortunately the F word in it(not that it is rude or anything) and when I pasted it ....magic it vanished...replaced by asterixs

I also dont know how to post pics ....it would have been easier

See if you can do this: Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

How very dare you! CaptainHook has a lovely ass

It's a donkey Have you not seen my movies?

.... not yet!

Middle Age

Middle age is when all your energy goes to waist

Whats the difference between BSE and PMT ?

One attacks the cows brain and sends it ****** mental. The other ,apparently, is an agricultural problem.