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The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

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A BUDDY FOR DINNER




A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him while his friend just sits and listens.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done. I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the hell did you bring him unannounced to our home?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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What do you get if you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

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Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

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I went to the supermarket the other day and this bloke started throwing eggs, butter and milk at me. How dairy.

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I passed out at a party the other night and the fellows poured hot tea into my mouth. I went ballistic; no-one treats me like a mug!

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At my local food store the other day, the guy in front of me at the checkout was buying a bag of crisps, a microwave meal for one, one small apple pie, bottle of pepsi and I was reminded of the joke where a cashier seeing similar purchases asks if he is single.

The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"

The cashier replies: "You're an ugly bastard."

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Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

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Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

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I was in hospital last week. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said “suture self”.

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Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
__________________

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I was having fun yesterday taking the mickey out of an old bloke in a blonde wig, then the bastard gave me 18 months.

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So I asked this lass in the pet shop if she'd had a cockatoo in lately. I've still got a black eye.

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So this gorgeous flight attendant came up and said, "Would you like some TWA coffee?"
I said, "I'd rather have some TWA tea." And now I've got another black eye.

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They usually serve that on Spirit :p

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A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied.

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Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

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An Irish terrorist has broken into Dublin zoo and is holding 12 ostrich's.

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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

One goes *WHACK! "F**k!" and the other goes "F**k!" *WHACK!

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Two cows in a field, one says, "what do you think about this mad cow disease?"

The other says, "it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck."

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Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry, has obviously never been hit in the face with a turnip.

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.

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To a Glaswegian, what's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings, and Walt disney.

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A dyslexic guy walks into a bra....

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.

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“I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”

Not mine, but it gave me a chuckle.

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It won the award for the best one-liner at the Edinburg Festival Fringe.

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I preferred

• What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
  
• The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
  
• They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.
  
• If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
  
• Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

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Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

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I was visiting an old friend on his farm and when we were having coffee on the verandah after supper I noticed a pig in the farmyard that appeared to have a wooden leg. I'd never seen such a thing, "Joe, does that pig really have an artificial leg?" "Yes, Caretaker, he said, it was the least I could do for him. Last year I was out on the tractor working the land about a mile from here and as I drove around a small hill I hit a soft spot and rolled the tractor, becoming pinned underneath. I screamed and screamed but no-one was within earshot, but that pig heard me and came over the fields and found me, and he tried digging me out and pulling on my jacket, and when he couldn't get me out he ran over 2 miles to the next farm and made such a fuss he convinced them to follow him back to me, and they got their tractor with the bucket and managed to free me." "That's amazing", I said, "but it doesn't explain why the pig has a wooden leg...." He looked at me wistfully and said "You don't just eat a great pig like that all at once."
More about the pig in Teatime Choices.

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:rofl::rofl:

That's a porker...sorry, I mean a corker.

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And a very, very, very old one, but a goodie.

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As is this non PC one
Doctor examining teen girl: "Big breaths"
"Yeth and I'm only thickthteen"

http://imgc-cn.artprintimages.com/im...er-cartoon.jpg