Re: a joke
 

Juan and Jose had been running from the posse for 3 days, dodgeing bullets as they ran.
They were starving and hopeless when in the far distance Juan spots a tree
"Quick Jose I see a bacon tree" sez Juan, they run to it only to be met by a hail of bullets.
With his dying breath Jose sez " Juan, ees no a bacon tree - ees a ham bush"

Re: a joke
 

Two monkeys are having a bath. One turns to the other as says,
"Oo oo ah ah!"
The other replies, "Well, put the cold tap on then."

An exhibitionist was thinking of retiring, but he decided to stick it out for one more year.

Re: a joke
 

A polar bear walks into a bar.

"I'll have a beer.............................................. .....

............................................and a shot of whisky."


The barman says, "Why the big paws?"

Re: a joke
 

This guy goes to see a talent agent.

"So, what can you do then sonny?" says the agent.
The man tells him, "I do great bird impressions."

The talent agent, unimpressed, says "Piss off mate, I've got thousands like you on the books already."

So he flew out the window.

Re: a joke
 

A skeleton walks into a bar. "I'll have a pint please, mate," he said. "And a mop."

Re: a joke
 

Jesus walks into a bar and asks for a glass of tap water.

Which he turns into wine.

Barman says "What the **** do you think you're doing?"

"Not paying your prices, ****" replies Jesus.

Re: a joke
 

Norwich City 1

Man Unt. 0

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha :lol:

Re: a joke
 

Old Joe the postman is working his last day after 40 years of doing the same round, He gets to the first house where he is greeted at the door, 'Thank you Joe for your service, 40 years come rain or shine our post has always been here on time' and they present him with a bottle of the finest scotch money can buy. Old Joe continues on his round and upon arriving at the next house is greeted in the same way and presented with a box of the finest Cuban cigars money can buy. Not a bad day at the office Old Joe thinks and continues on....arriving at the next house wondering how his day could get any better he is greeted at the door by a beautiful tall curvy blonde woman.....come in Joe she says....they go upstairs and she gives him the best seeing to of his life, lying wondering how life gets any better the woman says come down the the kitchen with me where she makes him a breakfast fit for a king, after eating breakfast he says to the woman 'Thank you but I must finnish my round' OK she says but before you leave I need to give you this.....she gives him a 50 pence piece....confused Joe asks 'whats this for??'
she replies last night I asked my husband what we should do for you.....He said FK him give him 50p and the Breakfast was my idea!! :rofl:

Re: a joke
 

Man goes to the doctor and says `Doctor I keep thinking I`m a moth` À moth`the doctor says, well I can`t hep you, thats not a medical problem, it`s psychological, you need to see a psychiatrist.`I know that`says the man
`So why did you come and see me then ?`says the doc, `Well your light was on.

Re: a joke
 

I was walking my dog the other day, when we came across an old chinese lady walking a very pretty Border Collie. My dog decided this Collie was "gettin it" and proceeded to mount it and start humping away.

I walked up briskly to the old chinese lady and said "don't worry, he's been snipped"

she replied...

"Is okaay, so as hee"

true story :D

Re: a joke
 

Bloke walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He turns to the barman and says 'One for me and one for the road'.

Re: a joke
 

An elderly couple, Lucy & John, were recently attending church
services at The Villages.

About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of
her purse, wrote a note and handed it to John .

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I
should do?"

John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Re: a joke
 

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones.

Doctor: It's not unusual.

Re: a joke
 

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician went out hunting one day. The engineer saw a bear in the distance and so they all crept up on it. "I'll take the first shot!" he said and sending his shot 3 metres to the right. "You idiot, I'll show you how it's done" said the physicist who then missed by 3 metres to the left. "Yes! we got him!!" said the statistician.

Re: a joke
 

Two engineering students chatting.

Engineering student 1: A funny thing happened the other day. I was walking in the park when a pretty young woman cycled by. When she saw me she stopped, took off all her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted.

Engineering student 2: So what did you do?

Engineering student 1: I took the cycle.

Engineering student 2: Good thinking, I doubt her clothes would have fitted you.

Re: a joke
 

Police arrested two lads yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

Six men were kicking a bloke’s mother-in- law. His wife said, ‘Aren’t you going to help?’
‘No,’ said the bloke, ‘I think six should be enough.’

Re: a joke
 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman can't help but notice that the guy has an enormous orange head.

So, as he hands the pint to they guy, he asks, "Sorry to be so obvious, but I can't help but notice your big orange head. How did that happen?"

"Well," said the guy. "I found this old bottle on the beach, so I picked it up and gave it a rub. Of course, a genie popped out and granted me three wishes."

"For the first wish, I asked for the usual riches - millions in the bank, always have money in my pocket for whatever I want, you know?"

The barman nodded. "And the second wish was...?"

"Oh, have a guess... women. I wanted to be successful with women. Well, I got that too, I now have the ability to charm any woman I want into bed."

"Cool!" said the barman. "And the third wish...?"

"Ahhhh," said the man, with a long sigh. "I wished for a giant orange head."

Re: a joke
 

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a sheep, a priest, a man with a giant orange head and a horse walk into a bar.

Barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"



I was telling sheep jokes the other day.

None of them laughed :(

Re: a joke
 

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?



A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream that ran down from one of his fields
Realizing the danger, he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realizing the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!" (Don't drink. The water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer.

Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said, dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in a extremely fine English accent.

"Oh I see....," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in..."




A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Re: a joke
 

Yesterday a friend underwent a painfull procedure in which he had his spine and both testicles removed.
He did get some nice wedding presents though.

Re: a joke
 

Newton's 3rd law of Emotion:

For every male action, there's a female overreaction.

Re: a joke
 

I took the bus to work the other day. On the seat on the other side was a beautiful Thai lady. I thought "please don't get an erection".

But she did.

Re: a joke
 

I got really drunk at the club on Saturday night and decided to take a bus home, arriving safely and without incident, which is pretty lucky considering I'd never driven a bus before.

Re: a joke
 

Did you hear about the accountant with constipation?
He used a pencil to work it out.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week.

Why's it called a WonderBra?
When it comes off, you wonder where the tits have gone.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Re: a joke
 

The extrovert accountant - he looks at your shoes when he is talking to you.

Re: a joke
 

I was in a car accident yesterday and this midget got out of the other car. "I'm not happy!" he said.

I said "Well then, which one are you?"

Re: a joke
 

Just off 22 Minutes: A thief has broken into a sex shop and made off with a penis pump. Police say if he is caught they expect he will be hung.

Re: a joke
 

Adult Scrabble
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I

Re: a joke
 

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

Re: a joke
 

Brevity is the soul of wit.

Re: a joke
 

So this man goes to the doctor for a check up. The doctor is looking him over and tells him "you're going to have to stop masturbating". "Why?" asks the man. The doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you".

Re: a joke
 

Well, why are you not witty?

Re: a joke
 

Now then, let's not derail this most excellent of threads.

Re: a joke
 

My first name isn't Malter.

Re: a joke
 

A turtle was sunning itself by the waterhole when a young elephant limped by. Tuttle asked what was wrong the elephant said he had a thorn in his foot. "No problem," said the turtle and quickly pulled the thorn out.

Forward twenty years and the turtle is sunning himself by the waterhole when a turtle eating monitor lizard runs up. Turtle is not so fleet of foot these days and is just about to become lizard lunch when a massive trunk appeared, picked up the lizard and threw it across the waterhole. "Thank you," said the turtle, "but why did you do that?" The huge bull elephant said, "don't you remember? Twenty years ago you pulled a thorn out of my foot." "But all us turtles look the same. How did you remember me?" said the turtle.

"Turtle recall," replied the elephant.

Re: a joke
 

I went out with an Irish Catholic girl once. It was very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork . . .

A Buddhist goes up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming about these horrible sexual acts – sadism, bestiality, necrophilia. What should I do?”
Doctor says, “Forget it you’re flogging a dead horse.”

Re: a joke
 

How do you make a hormone ?

Don't pay her.

Re: a joke
 

Nah, that really doesn't cut it.

Re: a joke
 

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!

Re: a joke
 

Malter Witty, geddit? Thought not.