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Around what time did Sean Connery show up at the Wimbledon Final?
Tennish. |
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In a job interview,
Applicant: One of my main flaws is my frank honesty. Employer: I don't think that's a flaw. Applicant: I don't give a shit what you think. |
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:rofl:
Originally Posted by Oink
(Post 12344910)
One for the really oldies...
Losing a signal doesn't really work because the person on the other end doesn't hear it like they did with the pips. Does low on charge work? |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by BristolUK
(Post 12344922)
:rofl:
What's the cell phone equivalent of that excuse? Losing a signal doesn't really work because the person on the other end doesn't hear it like they did with the pips. Does low on charge work? |
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I've been looking for this one for years!! :thumbup:
https://i.pinimg.com/236x/75/a3/4b/7...ary-larson.jpg |
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Originally Posted by Oink
(Post 12344924)
It's got to have something to do with Adele. She's always banging on about breaking up.
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Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead. Q. Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? A. Because they're very good at it. Q. Why did the diver fall back first into the water? A. Because if he'd fallen head first he'd fallen into the boat. |
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In the divorce court the judge asks the man "Why do you want this divorce?"
"It's because my wife goes out every night to bars, parties, karaoke and strip-clubs and doesn't get home 'till the wee hours!" the man replies. "So she gallivants and drinks a lot?" the judge asked. "Oh! No! she just keeps following me....and it's embarrassing!" |
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Q. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are Wanted....... |
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Just because nobody complains doesn't mean that all parachutes are perfect...
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Always liked this report from Montreal's Gazette
“A good April Fool’s joke is one that suckers everybody in because it’s believable,†says Steve Kowch, the former CJAD program director whose 1997 radio prank went far enough to elicit a denial from then-premier Lucien Bouchard. “We said the Quebec government was amending Bill 101 to regulate the language on tombstones in cemeteries,†Kowch recalls. “Tombstones were being reclassified as signs. That meant French had to be the predominant language on all tombstones.†It was believable; the station was swamped with calls, some from terrified seniors who couldn’t afford to have translations chiselled onto loved ones’ monuments. “People went crazy,†Bird says. “First over the story itself and then over CJAD’s perceived insensitivity in upsetting people for no good reason.†English-language rights group Alliance Quebec even got a call from a funeral director asking what font should be used in amending the tombstones. Kowch admits that the story hit too close to home, but points out that it succeeded in exposing the paranoia and uncertainty felt by many Quebec Anglos at the time — an opinion expressed by The Gazette in a subsequent editorial. It was well worth it, he says. “But I never pulled another April Fool joke after that!†|
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Research has proven that keeping a tank of tropical fish in the home promotes positive emotional responses in the human brain.
Apparently it's all to do with the indoor fins... |
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How many sound technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two...one, two... |
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck. And you can talk!"
"Correct," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks,drinks beer,eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks. "With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" "Of course," the barman replies. "And a big tent and a ringmaster?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement and says,"Why on earth would they want a plasterer?" http://www.carpforum.co.uk/Images/Icons/Smileys/34.gif |
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Originally Posted by caretaker
(Post 12543629)
,"Why on earth would they want a plasterer?" http://www.carpforum.co.uk/Images/Icons/Smileys/34.gif
I'm going to steal that Nuns joke from that other thread. It's too good to leave there. A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration. “What troubles you, Sister?†asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.†“It was,†sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.†“I seem to recall that,†the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?†“Far from it,†snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!†“Goodness, Sister!†gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!†“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!†“Oh my!†commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!†“No, that wasn’t it,†admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!†“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!†sympathized the Mother Superior. “But I didn’t, Mother!†sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!†“So that’s when you cursed,†said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile. “Nope, that wasn’t it either,†cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!†The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ... Spoiler:
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Some Emo Philips classics:
'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs. I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!†I said, “I’m getting good.†I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it? I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats. |
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