Re: a joke
 

Re: a joke
 

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: A ll Employees
D A TE: November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. A nd don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: A ll Employees
D A TE: November 2, 20102
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: A ll Employees
D A TE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of A lcoholics A nonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, " A A Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCH A NGE WILL BE A LLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: A ll Employees
D A TE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: A ll F*%^ing Employees
D A TE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
D A TE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

Re: a joke
 

http://www.imagebam.com/image/55aed7450777186[/IMG]

Re: a joke
 

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king set off to go fishing. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once, because very soon there will be a torrential downpour."

The king replied, "The palace meteorologist gave me a very different forecast. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional and I hold him in high regard. Besides, I pay him very high wages. I trust him, therefore I shall continue on my way."

A short time later, there was a cloudburst and the king got drenched. Furious, he returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high-paying role of royal weather forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about meteorology. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Re: a joke
 

A pal of mine ended up sat with an older woman at a club last night.
He said “She looked OK for a 61+ year-old”.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
They drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' he asked..
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
He said, 'No,' – excitedly!! They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'his lucky night'.
They went back to her place.

Re: a joke
 

Re: a joke
 

One evening I am going to sit all alone on a seat in my local church graveyard. And if a stranger comes to me and speaks,I will say;"You can see me?"

Re: a joke
 

Re: a joke
 

Subject: What to do with "The Donald ?

Presidential candidate Donald Trump goes on
a fact-finding visit to
Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem
he suffers a heart attack and dies.




The undertaker tells the State
Department officials accompanying him, 'You
can have him shipped home for
$50,000, or you can bury him here, in the
Holy Land for just $100.'

The Americans go into a corner and
discuss for a few minutes. They come
back to the undertaker and tell him
they want Donald shipped home.


The undertaker is puzzled and asks,
'Why would you spend $50,000 to
ship him home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $100?


The Americans reply, 'Long ago a
man died there, was buried there, and three days later he rose from the
dead. We just can't take that risk.'

Re: a joke
 

A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers. It was a platoonic relationship.
.
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
it to his master.
"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
.
A variation on a 'blonde' joke:
The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for your information, I used to play center at Notre Dame."
"Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five times."

Re: a joke
 

The Democratic National Convention

Trump must be laughing his socks off now

Re: a joke
 

Born in Saskatchewan

A Saskatchewan man is drinking in a Fort McMurray bar when he gets a call on his cellphone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Saskatchewan baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Saskatchewan man just shrugs, "That's about average folks... like I said - my boy's a typical Saskatchewan baby boy."

Two weeks later the Saskatchewan man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Saskatchewan baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "eleven pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He was 15 pounds the day he was born."

The Saskatchewan father takes a slow swig from his Pilsner beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

Re: a joke
 

Watched it to today.
A laugh a minute.
A lie a minute
An apology for stealing a nomination.. not good enough.

Re: a joke
 

So the main thing I was enlightened to after today is that the Democratic Party are 100% behind illegal immigrants.
Great news for them who can't get a visa, just learn Spanish and your in :lol:

Re: a joke
 

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son .... it's a local call.'
KEEP SMILING

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Bristol. Useful for people they just want to get rid of, too. One Palestinian a day... the numbers would mount up quickly!

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The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. “I have two talking female parrots,” she tells him. “All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”
“That’s awful,” the priest agrees, “but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible.
If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God.
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
“Hi, we’re prostitutes,” say the females. “Do you want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, “Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!!!!!!

Re: a joke
 

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"

The girl replies: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers".

Re: a joke
 

...which reminds me of the teenage girl (it sounds like it may even have been the same one) who was in a bit of an accident and cut herself quite badly. A passer-by called the ambulance. When the paramedic turned up he asked: "alright, Miss - where are you bleeding from?"

Her reply: "I'm from bleeding Romford. What's that got to do with anything?"

Re: a joke
 

Re: a joke
 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

Re: a joke
 

I have a phobia about German sausages; I fear the wurst.

Re: a joke
 

I often confuse Americans and Canadians.

By using long words...

Re: a joke
 

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com...229ba9b2ee.jpg

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com...591961785a.jpg

:eek: :rofl:

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Q: What did the pirate say on
his 80th birthday?

A: Aye Matey.

Re: a joke
 

I took a poll this morning.

8 out of 10 people were unhappy their tent collapsed.

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Don't know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying I'd won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

Re: a joke
 

I've been offered 8 legs of venison for $100.

Does anyone else think that's too dear?

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I was in a bar in Australia and the guy on the next stool was looking sad.
"Yis got problems, mate?" I asked....using an Ozzy accent.
Sad chap replies 'Yip! me gal was sunnin' starkers and got bit on her fanny...it's swollen shut."
I commiserated "Bummer, mate."
"Bonzer idea!" he exclaimed "good on yih, mate."....gulped his beer and left.

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The guy who invented predictive text died last night...

his funfair is next monkey

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I was trying to find something like that (for a bit of copy/pasting) when there was something going about Mobile advertising the other day. :nod:

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 at me. Fortunately, my injuries are super fish oil.

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When I heard there is a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

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With great vision, the sorely-missed eco-criminal Jingsamichty somehow saw Trump a-coming.

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