Re: a joke
 

Sexual Encounters Between a Capacitor and in Inductor…

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current, to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

Re: a joke
 

IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT supposedly COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.





1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

Re: a joke
 

Jesus Mike, that's awful. And not in a good way.

Re: a joke
 

novo, maybe you like these better?

Confucius Says:

It is ok to let a fool kiss you,
But don't let a kiss fool you.


Confucius Say:

A kiss is just shopping upstairs,
For downstairs merchandise.


Confucius Say:

It is better to lose a lover,
Than love a loser.


Confucius Say:

A drunken man's words,
Are a sober man's thoughts.


Confucius Say:

Sex is like a bank account.
You put it in,
You take it out,
And you lose interest.


Confucius Say:

Viagra is like Disneyland….
A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.


Confucius Say:

It is much better to want the mate you do not have,
Than to have the mate you do not want.


Confucius Say:

A joke is like sex,
Neither is any good if you don't get it.

Re: a joke
 

Re: a joke
 

The Canadian Medical Association has weighed in on Ontario's new health care package.



The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.


The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.


Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the entire idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ass holes in Ottawa.

Re: a joke
 

A Scotsman, an Irisman, a Welshman and an Englishman went into a bar.

"Is this some sort of a joke?" said the barman.

Re: a joke
 

Understanding Engineers #!
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Re: a joke
 

Understanding Engineers #2
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Re: a joke
 

Wife: I have some good news and some bad news.
Husband: What's the good news?
Wife: The good news is I found a picture that's worth $500,000.
Husband: Wow! That's wonderful! What's the bad news?
Wife: The bad news is that the picture is of you and your secretary!

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

Re: a joke
 

A women walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre - so the barman gives her one.

Re: a joke
 

"What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" "I don't know and I don't care".

Re: a joke
 

How many Torontonians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change it and 500,000 others to jump up and down and tout it as the greatest cultural event ever staged in North America.
The neighbours think I'm a real stud 'cause I took the wife's inhaler and they can hear her panting 'C'mon, give it to me!"
Why don't Indians (First Nations) like snow?
'Cause it's white, and it's on their land.
The dyslexic alcoholic; choked to death on his own vimto.
Never hold a cat and a dust-buster at the same time.

Re: a joke
 

Resetting The Password

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1****ingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1****INGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1****ingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1****ingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeA ccessRight****ingNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1****ingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAc cessRight****ingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

Re: a joke
 

I found a box full of old copies of Chiropractor's Weekly.

Lots of back issues.

Re: a joke
 

I like my tea like I like my women.

Re: a joke
 

Some of these are proper lol...

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/04/26/...s-of-our-time/

Re: a joke
 

:)

Re: a joke
 

How do you confuse a woman?

Chocolate shoes.

Re: a joke
 

Re: a joke
 

Not a joke as such, but a scene from a movie. The Extraordinary Adventures Of Adele Blanc-Sec.

Ramses and other mummies have come to life and are outside The Louvre of the early 1900s. Impressed with the courtyard, Ramses quips "We should build a pyramid here. It would be a fine addition."

Re: a joke
 

Another movie scene - The Valet - French comedy.

Elderly man in a book shop walks to cash desk carrying a book. He's known to the assistant.

"Is this any good?"

"Yes, you bought it last month and you told me you read it in one sitting."

"Did I really? How strange. I still have all my marbles but I have no recollection of that at all. Oh well, Just give me a lamb chop then."

Re: a joke
 

I was sitting at the computer last night and my girlfriend asked what I was doing. "Just looking for cheap flights, I said." She said, "Oh darling, you're just amazing!", then ripped both our clothes off and we had frantic passionate sex. I'm not complaining, but it seemed odd since she'd never shown any interest in darts before.

Re: a joke
 

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi got for Christmas?

Re: a joke
 

I don't know, Greenhill, how did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan got him?

Re: a joke
 

He felt his presents!

Re: a joke
 

I felt a great disturbance in the maple leaf, as if millions of voices suddenly groaned in disbelief and were suddenly silenced. I fear some terrible joke has happened.

(merry christmas)

Re: a joke
 

:ohmy:

Only 4 months, 9 days and an hour-ish to go, then May the 4th be with you!

Re: a joke
 

In a survey, it was discovered that 53% of scousers had had sex in the shower.
The other 47% had never been to prison!

Re: a joke
 

How can you tell a Scouser's a Liverpool fan?

Re: a joke
 

From Dave Allen :unsure:

Shaun catches a Leprechaun who tells him, "You caught me fair and square so I'll grant you three wishes, what would you like?"
Shaun scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty."
"Granted," replied the Leprechaun and produced the bottle.

Shaun drank it down and sure enough the bottle refilled. He tested it three more times, and each time the bottle filled up with Guinness.

The Leprechaun said, "you still have two more wishes, what would you like?"

Replied Shaun, "I'd like another two bottles just like the last."

Re: a joke
 

An Essex girl is involved in a bad traffic accident. The paramedic rushes to her aid. “Whereabouts are you bleeding from?” he asks.
“Well,” says the girl. “Since you ask, bleeding Romford.”

Re: a joke
 

What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
The bus shelter.

Re: a joke
 

Who did Essex Boy's car used to have the names on the windscreen?

So they both knew which side of the cars they were supposed to get into!

Re: a joke
 

Don't you mean Why, not Who?.. :rofl::rofl:

Re: a joke
 

My bad. Can a mod please edit it?

Thanks for noticing.. :thumbsup:

Re: a joke
 

James Blunt and his Twitter comebacks. Not laugh out loud stuff but somewhat amusing:

https://twitter.com/JamesBlunt

Re: a joke
 

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

Re: a joke
 

I went tae the hospital wae toilet brush stuck up my arse .. what happened here, asked the doctor .. well pal .. I met a wee burd at the club last night and a took hur hame ..ahh said the doctor .. she liked kinky things???
Naw pal I said .. ma ****in wife was hame.

Re: a joke
 

Why is Janet Street-Porter a lot like marmite?