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Fart!!
......... .......... er, sorry, I thought we were telling Canadian jokes! |
Re: a joke
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you pull the skin off an onion. . How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Just one, but you gotta feed him through real slow. |
Re: a joke
A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses: "Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side" (Coat got) |
Re: a joke
Bloke walked into a bar with a giraffe. They both had a couple of pints. The giraffe collapsed on the floor. Bloke got up to leave.
"You can't leave that lying there" said the barman. "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe" said the bloke. |
Re: a joke
My girlfriend said she had to split up with me because I couldn't finish ordinary sentences normally animal porn.
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Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .' |
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23 reasons why parents shouldn't text....
Some of these are crackers.... enough to bring on belly laughs and tears!! http://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2...-never-be.html |
Re: a joke
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decided to play a game of hide-and-seek.
Einstein was it. He closed his eyes and counted to twenty. "Coming, ready or not" he called. Pascal was nowhere to be seen. Newton, however, was sitting on the floor, right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. With the chalk he had drawn a square, one metre to a side, in the middle of which he sat. "Oh Newton, I've found you," called Einstein. "You're really not very good at this, are you?" "On the contrary, my dear Einstein, I think you'll find I've won." "Oh yeah? How do you work that out?" "Here I am, sitting in this square. I am Newton, this is a square meter. You have found one Newton per square meter: you have found, in fact, one Pascal. I am therefore the winner." |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Oakvillian
(Post 10765365)
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decided to play a game of hide-and-seek.
Einstein was it. He closed his eyes and counted to twenty. "Coming, ready or not" he called. Pascal was nowhere to be seen. Newton, however, was sitting on the floor, right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. With the chalk he had drawn a square, one metre to a side, in the middle of which he sat. "Oh Newton, I've found you," called Einstein. "You're really not very good at this, are you?" "On the contrary, my dear Einstein, I think you'll find I've won." "Oh yeah? How do you work that out?" "Here I am, sitting in this square. I am Newton, this is a square meter. You have found one Newton per square meter: you have found, in fact, one Pascal. I am therefore the winner." |
Re: a joke
What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?
Elephino! |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Oakvillian
(Post 10765365)
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decided to play a game of hide-and-seek.
Einstein was it. He closed his eyes and counted to twenty. "Coming, ready or not" he called. Pascal was nowhere to be seen. Newton, however, was sitting on the floor, right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. With the chalk he had drawn a square, one metre to a side, in the middle of which he sat. "Oh Newton, I've found you," called Einstein. "You're really not very good at this, are you?" "On the contrary, my dear Einstein, I think you'll find I've won." "Oh yeah? How do you work that out?" "Here I am, sitting in this square. I am Newton, this is a square meter. You have found one Newton per square meter: you have found, in fact, one Pascal. I am therefore the winner." But not bad anyway. ;) |
Re: a joke
What do you call a Frenchman wearing loose sandals?
Philippe Pheloppe. |
Re: a joke
My brother recently told me that I don't understand irony.
Which is ironic, because it was raining at the time. |
Re: a joke
Each day a worker in a Soviet factory left pushing a wheelbarroow full of straw, and each day the guard at the gate searched thoroughly, running his bayonet in seeking contraband. One day the guard said, "Comrade, this is my last day - I'm retiring, please trell me what you've been stealing so I can finally sleep again!" "Wheelbarrows"..
Leonid Brezhnev was at his country dacha relaxing at the kitchen table with a few drinks when the wind blew the back door open. "Oh", he said, "The Chinese?" How many Poles does it take to go on strike? All of them. Marx hated the Slavs and Engels hated the Jews but between them, by God, how they loved the People! |
Re: a joke
The application I recently sent to Immigration & Citizenship Australia was denied due to my criminal record.
Which is a bit ironic, isn't it?
Originally Posted by Greenhill
(Post 10777494)
My brother recently told me that I don't understand irony.
Which is ironic, because it was raining at the time. |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Greenhill
(Post 10777522)
Which is a bit ironic, isn't it?
Or like Ernest Hemmingway, always shooting his mouth off. |
Re: a joke
I nearly choked to death that Friday night, after I sent my dyslexic girlfriend a sexy text "sit on my face".
Originally Posted by caretaker
(Post 10777528)
Like the dyslexic alcoholic who choked to death on his own vimto.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
When I landed back from holiday in Jamaica, a beagle in the airport started pawing away at my luggage and whining. A customs agent approached and said, "We're going to have to have a look sir, my dog here tells me he smells drugs." I said "Drugs?! Me?, that's a laugh, you're the one with the talking dog!" |
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While walking to the pub last night, this guy came up to me and attacked me with a bat.
I couldn't believe how well he'd trained it. |
Re: a joke
What's "a kangaroot"?
The noise coming from the Geordie I locked in the basement last week. |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Greenhill
(Post 10779250)
What's "a kangaroot"?
The noise coming from the Geordie I locked in the basement last week. |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Greenhill
(Post 10779250)
What's "a kangaroot"?
The noise coming from the Geordie I locked in the basement last week. |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Jingsamichty
(Post 10779261)
I work with a guy from Newcastle, but he doesn't have a Geordie accent. It's uncanny.
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Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Novocastrian
(Post 10779265)
Well, well, dear chap, not every person from Newcastle is a Geordie. We actually have some Scottish migrant workers and the odd (very odd) Mancunian.
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Re: a joke
I wouldn't like to be his keyboard when he realises :)
Originally Posted by Jingsamichty
(Post 10779268)
Whoooosh!!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl:
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Re: a joke
What's the difference between a hillbilly and a son-of-a-bitch?
The Ohio River. Half a world away, but the same thing. |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Jingsamichty
(Post 10779268)
Whoooosh!!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl:
Originally Posted by Greenhill
(Post 10779270)
I wouldn't like to be his keyboard when he realises :)
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Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Novocastrian
(Post 10779279)
Oh, was it uncanny? Bit of a stretch. Especially since "canny" is a Scottish word which may mean something a bit different in the Land of Cheapskates.
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Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Jingsamichty
(Post 10779285)
Caalm doon, pet, it's only a joerk.
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Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Novocastrian
(Post 10779290)
Were you ever one of the Scottish migrant workers I mentioned?
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Re: a joke
Oh Blinding Light, Oh Light That Blinds -
I cannot see, look out for me! |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Novocastrian
(Post 10779263)
That would have to be kanahgeroot. I speak as a closet Geordie.
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Re: a joke
Originally Posted by caretaker
(Post 10779331)
Could ya hear the cheering from Lees End from in the closet then?
And it was the Leezes End, |
Re: a joke
Originally Posted by Novocastrian
(Post 10779396)
No, but I could from the place I was born.
And it was the Leezes End, |
Re: a joke
Given the significance of the day.
A Geordie fellow goes on holiday to Canada, and is exploring the Rocky Mountains with a local guide one day, when he sees a huge creature in the distance. "What's that?" he asks the guide. "That's a Moose" the guide replies. "A Moose?" says Geordie "Ye bugger, ye must have rats the size of elephants ower here!" |
Re: a joke
My Geordie girlfriend found a pair of knickers under the bed the other day and screamed at me "what the **** are these?"
"Knickers", I replied. After scrutinising them for a moment she said "Oh, that's what they are! I've never seen a pair before." |
Re: a joke
Well, well, well.
Welcome to stutter club. |
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