Re: a joke
 

Oh I got it okay but it just wasn't funny.........at all.

Re: a joke
 

With apologies to Novocastrian.

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.. "

Re: a joke
 

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what f******g hit it.

Re: a joke
 

An Irishman walks out of a bar.........HEY! It could happen!

Re: a joke
 

On my way home from the club last night I was attacked by 4 thugs. I managed to knock one out - I know it seems like an odd time for a w**k but I thought it might be my last chance.

Re: a joke
 

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--K YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Re: a joke
 

I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected. One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?". Apparently "my c ** k" is not an acceptable answer.

----------

Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

----------

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b*tch."

----------

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

Re: a joke
 

Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars ……………..
and we'll send you the video, it's f ***king hilarious....

----------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; F@#$% off, you won't bring it back.

----------

Re: a joke
 

This guy tells a pretty good story.

Re: a joke
 

Thieves have stolen 30 crates of Red Bull from my local corner shop...

I just don't know how these people sleep at night.

Re: a joke
 

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a sprained wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently, she stood him up.

Re: a joke
 

Funny photo from today's internet:

http://i.imgur.com/7Hdwt.jpg

Re: a joke
 

My Scouse friend said he found a trampoline and a couple of bikes for his kids for Christmas on the internet. I asked what website he saw them on and he said Google Earth.

Re: a joke
 

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Man Utd. fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Man Utd. fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Man Utd. fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Man Utd. fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Liverpool fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Liverpool fan?'

'Because my mum is a Liverpool fan, and my dad is a Liverpool fan, so I'm a Liverpool fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Liverpool fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Man utd. fan.

----------

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Re: a joke
 

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Re: a joke
 

In the same vein and referencing a certain penalty kick in the 2004 Euros quarter finals...

Marco van Basten arrives at the Holy Gates. St.Peter welcomes a famous footballer to heaven with open arms. "Come in my son".

Next comes Jurgen Klingsmann, with similar outcome.

Then David Beckham shows up. St. Peter recognizes him too and says "I suppose you're looking for that ball?"

Re: a joke
 

I woke up this morning with this playing in my head:

Re: a joke
 

first Christmas Card

Re: a joke
 

A horse walks into a pub and the bartender says: "Why the long face?" and the horse says: "I have AIDS".

Re: a joke
 

I said to the girlfriend 'We could do it Chilean Miner style' - she went 'Ooh does that mean I have to go down the shaft?' I said 'No, I'd just like you to pi$$ off for a couple of months.'
What's blonde, has big boobs, and lives in Australia? Salman Rushdie
How many Poles does it take to go on strike?
All of them
I shared a taxi with a Mexican once - he got the tires, I got the radio
How can you tell who loves you more, your dog or your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk for a couple of hours then open it and see who's glad to see you.

There were three hobos sitting around the campfire in the hobo jungle and one of them said, "You know, I wasn't always a bum, once I was a respected engineer, and I invented the automatic transmission and sold the patent to Henry Ford, but gbambling and drink ruined me and now I'm penniless. After a few minutes the second tramp says, I was a bestselling author not too many years ago, but women were my downfall, and now I can only live from meal to meal. After a few more minutes of silence the third hobo says, "Well, I wasn't always poor either, you know." One of the others asked, "Well what was your claim to fame?" He said, "Have you boys ever heard of syphilis?" "Yes, oh Jeez, did you invent syphilis?"
"No, but I was the major distributor on the west coast for twenty years!"

Re: a joke
 

You're assembling Ikea cabinets one night and the dog and cat are watching.

Dog - I don't know what you're doing but it looks fabulous and I love you.

Cat - You wanker, you didn't read the instructions, you're using an allen key instead of a screwdriver, and you put the hinge on upside down.

Re: a joke
 

The only cow in a small village in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the village folk found they could buy a champion cow, called Morag, in Scotland.
So, they brought Morag over to Ireland.
It was a wonderful cow.
It produced lots of milk and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with Morag to get baby Morags,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put Nick, their bull, in the pasture with Morag but
whenever the bull got amorous, Morag would move away.

No matter what approach Nick tried,
Morag would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise.
"Whenever Nick the bull tries to mount our Morag, she moves away.
If Nick approaches her from the back,
she moves forward.
When Nick approaches her from the front,
she backs off.
If Nick attempts it from the one side, Morag walks to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin and asked.
"Did you buy the cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded.
No one had ever mentioned that the cow they'd brought came over from Scotland.
"You are truly a very wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet had a distant, wistful look in his eye:
"My wife's from Scotland..."

Re: a joke
 

...Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the show?

Re: a joke
 

I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night - turns out he did fix the washing machine after all!

Re: a joke
 

What can I say... :)

Re: a joke
 

THE FUTURE OF SCOTLAND

If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the Former United Kingdom (F.U.K.).

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'Yes' in the referendum, Unionists have now begun a campaign with the slogan: Please Vote No For ***'s Sake! About which they feel the Scottish people can relate. Particularly those of Glaswegian genus !!

Re: a joke
 

The Pope has sent his first Tweet, he wrote:

"Hello Ikea monkey, nice coat"

Re: a joke
 

Bad news: I saw the doctor today and he told me I have xenophobia.

I must have caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

Re: a joke
 

A new club opened around here last week, with flyer advertising pole dancers!

So in I goes, and I spend about half an hour in there before the manager comes up to me and asks if everything's all right.

"I don't see a pole, I thought you were having pole dancers!"

"We do,"the manager replies as he points to two men dancing. "But don't ask me to pronounce their last names!"

Re: a joke
 

Shoplifters with an Estuary accent take a lot of whisks.

Re: a joke
 

I was walking through the cemetery earlier today and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone.

I said, "Morning..".

He said, "No...Taking a shit."

Re: a joke
 

Monica Lewinsky was dropping off a skirt at the dry cleaner. As she was leaving the clerk said, "come again."

She said, "no, just ice cream."

Re: a joke
 

Good thing she didn't leave her blue dress, there was a wad of bills in the pocket.

Re: a joke
 

Wouldn't it be brilliant if that nurse who topped herself suddenly turned up alive and well on Australian TV, saying, "Now THAT'S how to do a wind-up!"

Re: a joke
 

I was hoping a reverse pranking was going on.

Re: a joke
 

Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother.



Dear Billy, Send me your mother

Re: a joke
 

Harry and Paul at their best:

Re: a joke
 

Why do scotch people wear kilts?

Re: a joke
 

Skiing is going downhill fast.

Re: a joke
 

Did you hear about the Jewish skier? He lost the shlalom race. By a tip.