I think all this is an elaborate hoax, a smokescreen to hide the fact that, even as we speak, thousands of cakes are being stockpiled in a secret location...

Alas, as we speak, all thoughts of a gift fade. I am down to my last cake - the Mary Berry itself, but I am trying to hold out as long as I can before opening the tin. Even the thoughts of that fabled stockpile fail to revive my flagging spirits.

I am fading fast. Can nobody help me now? Are you going to leave me to perish, my cake destiny remaining unfulfilled? I fear that I am not long.......not long......for this world.

I now contemplate the unthinkable - I may have to bite into the phial of almond essence. It will make my end swift, and painless. Where are my friends now? Where is the Cake Resistance Army in my hour of need?

Not to dance on your grave but can you deed me the tins ?? Empty tins are always useful..

Don't worry, all will become eclair in the morning!

. Is now a time for levity? Do you really wish to self-raise a laugh? Do not mock my sacrifice. I go willingly, and let it be known that my prized possession - the soon to be empty Mary Berry Cake Tin, I bequeath to Loafing Along, and to his Heirs and to his Heirs heirs, for all Eternity..

I weaken, and cannot talk further.

I wish you well on your journey and will treasure your bequest. Maybe fill them with mince pies or sausage rolls for Christmas and screws and rawplugs in Spring.

TOP SECRET. OPERATION CAKEOPALYPSE

To Agent Quiltman, Agent Loafing Along, Agent Expatrick and Agent Nutek.
From Diddion Command

Read and destroy.

I believe we've fooled them. Now is the time to move to Phase 2. Please report the status of your deployment.

Unspecified location possibly Algarve. I live where normal UK people pay to go on holiday.
PS You are interrupting great BBC 2 drama. No more communication until episode ends

The Kipling cometh. Exceedingly.

Exceedingly good news. Bring a new tin

Am concerned about the tin, over-riding TV viewing, soon will be September and time to make Christmas cake . Possibility of a secret drop ?

South east of your position, following yellow marzipan road, speed gas mark 6, encountering mild icing, await new recipe...

Position visible on Google Earth , recommend change.

Not without good raisin!

Good man, Expatrick. You've been field promoted to one-star Dundee. Congratulations. I fear that Quiltman 's cover has been blown. He has failed to report.