Help for a 14 yr old
Jul 1st 2007, 12:43 pm
#31
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 1,606
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=Lexylou;4993497]you people are pretty nuts.,..... what goes around comes around???? Are you serious?????? What because I said I would not leave my child unsupervised???? anyone would think I was a child abuser or somthing the way you wrote that..... QUOTE]
Lexy - this wasn't aimed at you. Calm down please. Sorry if you took offence. I can see how you read that from your post.
(It was meant for Nici - ie your efforts will go rewarded for all your necessary hard work.)
Lexy - this wasn't aimed at you. Calm down please. Sorry if you took offence. I can see how you read that from your post.
(It was meant for Nici - ie your efforts will go rewarded for all your necessary hard work.)
Jul 1st 2007, 12:51 pm
#33
Galaxy 1: Cadbury's 0
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 1,606
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=Lexylou;4993497]
Oh and the reason people do not post on here anymore is because it is so dull boring. QUOTE]
Really? I know many have left because of posts of a personal 'attacking' nature. Although personally I like the breadth of BE.
I like different viewpoints, but I also think that if one posts something so forcefully, then surely we can then have a sensible grown up 'conversation' about it without it getting out of hand?
Witch hunts?? Can we all just take a step back and keep it less personal? It's a good debate and one which many mothers will feel a connection with.
Lexy, if you haven't been subjected to motherhood guilt yet then you're lucky and what out for it. Every mother feels guilty about something. Or there's something seriously wrong!
Oh and the reason people do not post on here anymore is because it is so dull boring. QUOTE]
Really? I know many have left because of posts of a personal 'attacking' nature. Although personally I like the breadth of BE.
I like different viewpoints, but I also think that if one posts something so forcefully, then surely we can then have a sensible grown up 'conversation' about it without it getting out of hand?
Witch hunts?? Can we all just take a step back and keep it less personal? It's a good debate and one which many mothers will feel a connection with.
Lexy, if you haven't been subjected to motherhood guilt yet then you're lucky and what out for it. Every mother feels guilty about something. Or there's something seriously wrong!
Jul 1st 2007, 12:51 pm
#34
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,109
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=uk+kiwi;4993539]
You're right, perhaps we (myself included) misunderstood this part from the tone of the message. Sorry. I am not trying to pick an argument with you Lexy, I honestly find it interesting the way you are so dogmatic in your views about years and years into the future that it raises my naturally curiousity in me, and in some it infuriates them.
I agree you, like everyone else are entitled to their opinions. But I would also hope you are open to then discussing them after posting them so strongly on a public forum. I'm sure you're game.
Can you not see how it is a bit blinkered and naive to be so assertive about what your situation will be like in 13 years time. (Do you actually live by a plan?) Although tbh, now that I'm typing this it's because I have made an error in assuming you are 'normal' and not uber rich. My potential mistake. So I suppose if you know you will always have money (through guaranteed investment returns or protected inheritance etc), no matter what infortune is thrown at you and your extended family over the next 13 years until your daughter is 14 herself, then you are absolutely right that you can be so definitive.
But then if this is the case some compassion for 'normal' people, who need to work to cover their costs of living, would be nice.
Otherwise, you really are putting unnecessary parental pressure on yourself IMO, don't you think? I know high standards are good by the way.
what are 'normal' people? why would you assume that I was rich? if I were rich and life full of money, I would not be posting on here on a Sunday afternoon while my daughter sleeps.
I was brought up by a single mother, father long gone after my sister was born, we had everything we needed and the thing I am most grateful for is that my mother was an excellent mother. She worked but we were never alone, In fact the age limit to be left used to be 16. She shared minding friends children when they were working and they looked after us when she was working. Every situation has a way out, everything else is in my book an excuse.
I will not apologize for wanting to be the best parent I can be. Oh and if I am not around my husband has the same high standards, we are not rich, nor do we have large trust funds, in fact there is no money in either family for us in the future but lets not make this a money issue. Its not about that.
I do have certain standards and its not blinkered to have them. I have strong beliefs that if my mother can do it with her limited budget and help then I can. I don't think she is super woman but she was a damn good mother and I will do my best to follow in her footsteps. She was organised, planned ahead, as she had to and she made sure that we were never left alone.
You're right, perhaps we (myself included) misunderstood this part from the tone of the message. Sorry. I am not trying to pick an argument with you Lexy, I honestly find it interesting the way you are so dogmatic in your views about years and years into the future that it raises my naturally curiousity in me, and in some it infuriates them.
I agree you, like everyone else are entitled to their opinions. But I would also hope you are open to then discussing them after posting them so strongly on a public forum. I'm sure you're game.
Can you not see how it is a bit blinkered and naive to be so assertive about what your situation will be like in 13 years time. (Do you actually live by a plan?) Although tbh, now that I'm typing this it's because I have made an error in assuming you are 'normal' and not uber rich. My potential mistake. So I suppose if you know you will always have money (through guaranteed investment returns or protected inheritance etc), no matter what infortune is thrown at you and your extended family over the next 13 years until your daughter is 14 herself, then you are absolutely right that you can be so definitive.
But then if this is the case some compassion for 'normal' people, who need to work to cover their costs of living, would be nice.
Otherwise, you really are putting unnecessary parental pressure on yourself IMO, don't you think? I know high standards are good by the way.
what are 'normal' people? why would you assume that I was rich? if I were rich and life full of money, I would not be posting on here on a Sunday afternoon while my daughter sleeps.
I was brought up by a single mother, father long gone after my sister was born, we had everything we needed and the thing I am most grateful for is that my mother was an excellent mother. She worked but we were never alone, In fact the age limit to be left used to be 16. She shared minding friends children when they were working and they looked after us when she was working. Every situation has a way out, everything else is in my book an excuse.
I will not apologize for wanting to be the best parent I can be. Oh and if I am not around my husband has the same high standards, we are not rich, nor do we have large trust funds, in fact there is no money in either family for us in the future but lets not make this a money issue. Its not about that.
I do have certain standards and its not blinkered to have them. I have strong beliefs that if my mother can do it with her limited budget and help then I can. I don't think she is super woman but she was a damn good mother and I will do my best to follow in her footsteps. She was organised, planned ahead, as she had to and she made sure that we were never left alone.
Jul 1st 2007, 12:55 pm
#35
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,109
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=uk+kiwi;4993571]
I do feel guilty when I have to take her to nursery, but it is a good place, she loves it and I have to work. This post was not about that, its about what to do with a 14 year old in the holidays, and that is a completely different thing than leaving your child for an hour here and there. I think we both know that. The whole of the school holidays are a different thing and i suspect that you agree.
Oh and the reason people do not post on here anymore is because it is so dull boring. QUOTE]
Really? I know many have left because of posts of a personal 'attacking' nature. Although personally I like the breadth of BE.
I like different viewpoints, but I also think that if one posts something so forcefully, then surely we can then have a sensible grown up 'conversation' about it without it getting out of hand?
Witch hunts?? Can we all just take a step back and keep it less personal? It's a good debate and one which many mothers will feel a connection with.
Lexy, if you haven't been subjected to motherhood guilt yet then you're lucky and what out for it. Every mother feels guilty about something. Or there's something seriously wrong!
Really? I know many have left because of posts of a personal 'attacking' nature. Although personally I like the breadth of BE.
I like different viewpoints, but I also think that if one posts something so forcefully, then surely we can then have a sensible grown up 'conversation' about it without it getting out of hand?
Witch hunts?? Can we all just take a step back and keep it less personal? It's a good debate and one which many mothers will feel a connection with.
Lexy, if you haven't been subjected to motherhood guilt yet then you're lucky and what out for it. Every mother feels guilty about something. Or there's something seriously wrong!
I do feel guilty when I have to take her to nursery, but it is a good place, she loves it and I have to work. This post was not about that, its about what to do with a 14 year old in the holidays, and that is a completely different thing than leaving your child for an hour here and there. I think we both know that. The whole of the school holidays are a different thing and i suspect that you agree.
Jul 1st 2007, 1:01 pm
#36
Galaxy 1: Cadbury's 0
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 1,606
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=Lexylou;4993573]
Normal meaning work for a living.
I didn't assume that you were rich. I was just saying that if you weren't, you couldn't possibly plan for all the things that might happen over the next 13 years that shatter your plans for your daughter. That's all.
No-one plans for devastation in their lives that changes everything. Fatal illness, accidents, divorce etc etc happen and change lives enormously. Beyond anything we can really imagine. That's all I was saying - you just never know what is around the corner and so why not try to avoid eating humble pie.
It's also not meant in a really personal way Lexy. We all do the best that we can. And I agree that high standards are a good thing.
Your mum was a strong lady. Good luck to you & hubbie with your parenting journey.
Edit to say - yes, we have taken a side track (sorry Boopy) ... but they're often the best threads!!
Second edit - I have a friend who three years ago was happily married with 2 primary school aged sons. A brief affair and a divorce later, followed by a fatal car accident at 40mph involving a huge lorry, has left her without a husband and children during this time. It does happen, but fingers crossed not to anyone else I know.
I didn't assume that you were rich. I was just saying that if you weren't, you couldn't possibly plan for all the things that might happen over the next 13 years that shatter your plans for your daughter. That's all.
No-one plans for devastation in their lives that changes everything. Fatal illness, accidents, divorce etc etc happen and change lives enormously. Beyond anything we can really imagine. That's all I was saying - you just never know what is around the corner and so why not try to avoid eating humble pie.
It's also not meant in a really personal way Lexy. We all do the best that we can. And I agree that high standards are a good thing.
Your mum was a strong lady. Good luck to you & hubbie with your parenting journey.
Edit to say - yes, we have taken a side track (sorry Boopy) ... but they're often the best threads!!
Second edit - I have a friend who three years ago was happily married with 2 primary school aged sons. A brief affair and a divorce later, followed by a fatal car accident at 40mph involving a huge lorry, has left her without a husband and children during this time. It does happen, but fingers crossed not to anyone else I know.
Last edited by uk+kiwi; Jul 1st 2007 at 1:07 pm.
Jul 1st 2007, 1:07 pm
#37
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,109
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=uk+kiwi;4993613]
Normal meaning work for a living.
I didn't assume that you were rich. I was just saying that if you weren't, you couldn't possibly plan for all the things that might happen over the next 13 years that shatter your plans for your daughter. That's all.
No-one plans for devastation in their lives that changes everything. Fatal illness, accidents, divorce etc etc happen and change lives enormously. Beyond anything we can really imagine. That's all I was saying - you just never know what is around the corner and so why not try to avoid eating humble pie.
It's also not meant in a really personal way Lexy. We all do the best that we can. And I agree that high standards are a good thing.
Your mum was a strong lady. Good luck to you & hubbie with your parenting journey.
you are right, no one knows what is going to happen but I have seen illness and divorce with my mother and she still managed so I think I have a good role model.
Each person deals with things in different ways. I think that there are ALWAYS options in things like childcare. If my mum could do it then I think anyone could have.
We can only do the best we can, but for me the best must mean that a child is always protected and supervised. I would go as far as saying that the decline in this attitude towards children is actually one of the main problems in the UK these days. I see it all the time and not everyone is lucky to have a 'good boy' or 'good girl', I am just not going to take that risk.
I am sure life will throw up lots of things that will challenge my foundations but no one said it was going to be easy so I am expecting that. I need to have them in place.
thanks
Normal meaning work for a living.
I didn't assume that you were rich. I was just saying that if you weren't, you couldn't possibly plan for all the things that might happen over the next 13 years that shatter your plans for your daughter. That's all.
No-one plans for devastation in their lives that changes everything. Fatal illness, accidents, divorce etc etc happen and change lives enormously. Beyond anything we can really imagine. That's all I was saying - you just never know what is around the corner and so why not try to avoid eating humble pie.
It's also not meant in a really personal way Lexy. We all do the best that we can. And I agree that high standards are a good thing.
Your mum was a strong lady. Good luck to you & hubbie with your parenting journey.
Each person deals with things in different ways. I think that there are ALWAYS options in things like childcare. If my mum could do it then I think anyone could have.
We can only do the best we can, but for me the best must mean that a child is always protected and supervised. I would go as far as saying that the decline in this attitude towards children is actually one of the main problems in the UK these days. I see it all the time and not everyone is lucky to have a 'good boy' or 'good girl', I am just not going to take that risk.
I am sure life will throw up lots of things that will challenge my foundations but no one said it was going to be easy so I am expecting that. I need to have them in place.
thanks
Jul 1st 2007, 1:11 pm
#38
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,109
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=uk+kiwi;4993613]
Normal meaning work for a living.
I didn't assume that you were rich. I was just saying that if you weren't, you couldn't possibly plan for all the things that might happen over the next 13 years that shatter your plans for your daughter. That's all.
No-one plans for devastation in their lives that changes everything. Fatal illness, accidents, divorce etc etc happen and change lives enormously. Beyond anything we can really imagine. That's all I was saying - you just never know what is around the corner and so why not try to avoid eating humble pie.
It's also not meant in a really personal way Lexy. We all do the best that we can. And I agree that high standards are a good thing.
Your mum was a strong lady. Good luck to you & hubbie with your parenting journey.
Edit to say - yes, we have taken a side track (sorry Boopy) ... but they're often the best threads!!
Second edit - I have a friend who three years ago was happily married with 2 primary school aged sons. A brief affair and a divorce later, followed by a fatal car accident at 40mph involving a huge lorry, has left her without a husband and children during this time. It does happen, but fingers crossed not to anyone else I know.
That is areal shame for that lady. What a nightmare losing her children. I know bad things happen all the time. I lost my best friend to a tumour recently and he had only just started his new life, getting engaged. He was a lovely man and his loss was awful. BUT that makes me even more determined to look after mine the best i can.
Normal meaning work for a living.
I didn't assume that you were rich. I was just saying that if you weren't, you couldn't possibly plan for all the things that might happen over the next 13 years that shatter your plans for your daughter. That's all.
No-one plans for devastation in their lives that changes everything. Fatal illness, accidents, divorce etc etc happen and change lives enormously. Beyond anything we can really imagine. That's all I was saying - you just never know what is around the corner and so why not try to avoid eating humble pie.
It's also not meant in a really personal way Lexy. We all do the best that we can. And I agree that high standards are a good thing.
Your mum was a strong lady. Good luck to you & hubbie with your parenting journey.
Edit to say - yes, we have taken a side track (sorry Boopy) ... but they're often the best threads!!
Second edit - I have a friend who three years ago was happily married with 2 primary school aged sons. A brief affair and a divorce later, followed by a fatal car accident at 40mph involving a huge lorry, has left her without a husband and children during this time. It does happen, but fingers crossed not to anyone else I know.
That is areal shame for that lady. What a nightmare losing her children. I know bad things happen all the time. I lost my best friend to a tumour recently and he had only just started his new life, getting engaged. He was a lovely man and his loss was awful. BUT that makes me even more determined to look after mine the best i can.
Jul 1st 2007, 1:12 pm
#39
Galaxy 1: Cadbury's 0
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 1,606
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=Lexylou;4993637]
Good attitude. You're welcome. I really need to go and spend some quality time with my kids now ..... although hubby is doing a fine job!
Good attitude. You're welcome. I really need to go and spend some quality time with my kids now ..... although hubby is doing a fine job!
Jul 1st 2007, 1:19 pm
#40
Galaxy 1: Cadbury's 0
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 1,606
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=Lexylou;4993656]
Yes it was awful. Although instant. One died from the shock of seeing the other being thrown from the car. Dad was driving and survived unscathed. Absolutely heartbreaking and haunting for a very very long time.
Sorry for the sad ending. I'm signing off now. Let's all go and appreciate our loved ones.
Sorry for the sad ending. I'm signing off now. Let's all go and appreciate our loved ones.
Jul 1st 2007, 1:44 pm
#41
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2005
Location: Rotorua, NZ
Posts: 1,070
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=uk+kiwi;4993553]
sorry about that uk+kiwi.
Well I attempted to take the kids to the park but after 30 mins of soaking in our wonderful weather I decided to come home and watch the Diana concert which is on soon.
I am not here to argue with anyone, all new friends are needed when the big move comes.
So with olive branch aloft, Lexylou lets agree to disagree on this matter.
Well I attempted to take the kids to the park but after 30 mins of soaking in our wonderful weather I decided to come home and watch the Diana concert which is on soon.
I am not here to argue with anyone, all new friends are needed when the big move comes.
So with olive branch aloft, Lexylou lets agree to disagree on this matter.
Jul 1st 2007, 1:59 pm
#42
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,109
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
[QUOTE=kato33;4993747]
Am not keen on olives but if you have sprig of rosemary you have a deal!
sorry about that uk+kiwi.
Well I attempted to take the kids to the park but after 30 mins of soaking in our wonderful weather I decided to come home and watch the Diana concert which is on soon.
I am not here to argue with anyone, all new friends are needed when the big move comes.
So with olive branch aloft, Lexylou lets agree to disagree on this matter.
Well I attempted to take the kids to the park but after 30 mins of soaking in our wonderful weather I decided to come home and watch the Diana concert which is on soon.
I am not here to argue with anyone, all new friends are needed when the big move comes.
So with olive branch aloft, Lexylou lets agree to disagree on this matter.
Jul 1st 2007, 2:05 pm
#44
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2007
Location: SE Asia
Posts: 108
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
The original - quite excellent question - has the potential to become a brainstorming session that could benefit a lot of parents in a similar position. 
The tone of the very first post suggests that this mother is a good one, whether she leaves him or not. The testament to that is the description of him and the fact that someone un-related was willing to come on here and vouch for him publicly.
Since olive branches have been given, and good will is over flowing - perhaps we could come up with some answers to the original post and move forward with something constructive.
I don't know what facilities are in Wellington - if there are 'disabled riding stables' or other charity type places that could do with some physical help, animal welfare or national trust type places. I know my oldest helped at one of these a while ago, he just filled hay nets and mucked out etc, but it was a fab time for him doing something physical and worthwhile. He was quite the little man when I dropped him off with his packed lunch at 8.00am and swaggered back to the car at 1.pm
What about the Te Papa place, does that have a work experience type scheme? There must be places crying out for hard working, responsible teenagers to lend a hand and gain some experience. So long as he's safe and happy, and mum is happy with the place there's nothing to lose.
Jul 1st 2007, 2:08 pm
#45
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Joined: Oct 2005
Location: Rotorua, NZ
Posts: 1,070
Re: Help for a 14 yr old
The original - quite excellent question - has the potential to become a brainstorming session that could benefit a lot of parents in a similar position. The tone of the very first post suggests that this mother is a good one, whether she leaves him or not. The testament to that is the description of him and the fact that someone un-related was willing to come on here and vouch for him publicly.
Since olive branches have been given, and good will is over flowing - perhaps we could come up with some answers to the original post and move forward with something constructive.
I don't know what facilities are in Wellington - if there are 'disabled riding stables' or other charity type places that could do with some physical help, animal welfare or national trust type places. I know my oldest helped at one of these a while ago, he just filled hay nets and mucked out etc, but it was a fab time for him doing something physical and worthwhile. He was quite the little man when I dropped him off with his packed lunch at 8.00am and swaggered back to the car at 1.pm
What about the Te Papa place, does that have a work experience type scheme? There must be places crying out for hard working, responsible teenagers to lend a hand and gain some experience. So long as he's safe and happy, and mum is happy with the place there's nothing to lose.
I cant really help though as I am in the UK. But I wish them luck and finding a little work for the wee young lad will benefit him in huge ways.
Apologies for going of course.