midgetjan

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,

"You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied,

"The *****in' funeral director would be my first guess."

midgetjan

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'



God simply replied, 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

midgetjan

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
Friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
Male or female horse.

"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
Over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,

But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
Arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's Fanny,

Pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

midgetjan

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.

"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."




"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

emma75

OMG where do you get these from!!

Wol

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot

paddyo

It's only if you realise that americans say twat as "twot" that you get it!

midgetjan

Ha ha - I got it anyway....



I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your ****ing will
power'


Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the
next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with
her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual
sex........... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the
instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it
did '

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry
about the wait ' I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually '

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets
him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can
I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many d! oughnuts are in
there you can have both of them!! '................Murphy says 'Four!'


Snow hell! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I
thought to myself ' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse
me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like
chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away '
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!

midgetjan

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

__________________________________________________ ____



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



__________________________________________________ ______________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



__________________________________________________ _______________________





ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



__________________________________________________ ________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.



__________________________________________________ ______________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.



__________________________________________________ _____________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?



__________________________________________________ _____________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.



__________________________________________________ _____________________





ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



__________________________________________________ _______________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.



__________________________________________________ _______________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.



__________________________________________________ _______________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.



__________________________________________________ ___________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?



__________________________________________________ ___________________



And the best for last:



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

midgetjan

midgetjan

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but

Thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the

Beep. If I do not return your call,

You are one of the changes."



~~~~~

My wife and I had words,

But I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ..

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time

to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,

But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"



*******************************************



What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

and Panic is when both are pregnant.



****************************************



A women asks man who is traveling with six children,

"Are all these kids yours?"

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these

are customer complaints".



************************************************** *******



A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"



Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.

Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

keel

[QUOTE=midgetjan;8763588]Ha ha - I got it anyway....



I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your ****ing will
power'

Thanks for this Jan. It's the best joke I've heard in years. I nearly had to change clothes.

Keel

midgetjan

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied,



















































"Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

ROMFT_WO2RN

brilliant, almost spluttered my tea all over the laptop

midgetjan

Yeh, I liked that one too