Wol

Hows about seeing how many old jokes we can dig up?

For starters:

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quays.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babe?" he asked.

"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for
Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine
inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me."

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

expatasia

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his
arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.


The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly
nursed her back to health.


When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance.


Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young
woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,





'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

scottishcelts

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'

scottishcelts

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.....

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'SUCK HERE'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet........
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

(Nominated as the world's best short joke)

3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.

kporte

My girlfriend said: "Your spontaneous acts are driving my crazy."

I replied: "Luckily for you, I've bought a horse to cheer you up!"

kporte

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. she said "you dont care about me, you care about football more than me"

I was absolutely devasted, We had been together since mexico 86.

Paula31

Not an actual joke but still quite funny anyway.

All of these are legitimate companies, who didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear!

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www..whorepresents.com <http://www.whorepresents.com/>

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com <http://www.expertsexchange.com/>

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island.'It can be found at:
www.penisland.net <http://www.penisland.net/>

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:
www.therapistfinder.com <http://www.therapistfinder.com/>

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com <http://www.powergenitalia.com/>

6.'IP computer' software, there's always:
www.ipanywhere.com <http://www.ipanywhere.com/>

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com <http://www.speedofart.com/>

johnnyyt

My missus told me to buy something to make her look sexy.


So I bought 12 cans of larger!

Johnnyyt

johnnyyt

Top Tip:

If you are camping in the summer and the attactive young lady in the next tent tells you that because it it so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open it is not necessarily an invitation to casual sex......................


..... I appear in court next Monday!

Johnnyyt

paulandcelia

Why do golfers carry a spare pair of socks?




In case they get a hole in one!


.................................................. .................................................. ...


What do you call a deer with no eyes?




No idea.

johnnyyt

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Johnnyyt

Wol

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a
plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the two
pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.
They start reminiscing.

“This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.”

“Yes, I remember him as a baby” says the other mother cheerfully.

“He’s a martyr now though” mum confides.

“Oh, so sad dear” says the other.

“And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.”

“Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, “he had such
curly hair when he was born”.

“He”s a martyr too” says mum quietly.

“Oh, gracious me ...” Says the other.

“And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would
have been 18”, she whispers.

“Yes” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he
first started school.”

“He”s a martyr also,” says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says... “They blow up so fast,
don’t they...”

scottishcelts

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don 't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don 't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

scottishcelts

What Is Butt Dust??

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'



MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'


STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'


TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'


JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget
...


This particular Sunday sermon.....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Burbage

What about fat women in bikinis?