cresta57

Q. What has 26 legs but still can't climb a ladder?





A. Melbourne Storm

Wol

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha? lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Gordon, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident
A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow?r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss??.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*****g accident either!"

boots

How do you blind an Asian?

Put a windscreen infont of him.



Whats the worst thing you can give an Asian?

A Stering wheel.

shears

The phrase "lead balloon" springs to mind

oh well ... in an effort to improve the standards?

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

shears

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great

You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty,

and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,'

she said.. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,





'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

shears

perksy

About a week or so out of date but......






Whats the difference between that Icelandic volano and Cheryl Cole?


The volcano is still blowing ash!

emma75

very funny!

johnnyyt

It's a little bit early to be making jokes about the Icelandic Volcano - at least wait till the dust settles.

Johnnyyt

Wol

.hmmessage P { PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; MARGIN: 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-TOP: 0px } BODY.hmmessage { FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; FONT-SIZE: 10pt } On a lighter note!


Subject: FW: Brains of Britain


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:
Homosexuals?

Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester?

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm.

Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct...and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France .
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris .








THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: -Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO, MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er... ...
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific?

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?







JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth...Er...Er...Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan .
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er...Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ...
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .
Contestant:
Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.

....and brilliant minds such as these will soon be voting in a General Election !!!

Officer Dibble

Decipher the personal ads:

Fun - annoying
Sporty - no tits
Nature lover - hairy legs
Likes eating out - fat
Likes cosy nights in - fat and lazy
Enjoys wining/dining: fat, lazy, alcoholic
Adventurous - likes anal
Seeking knight in shining armour - ex-boyfriend is a *****ing psycho

Youve been warned.

shears

hah they're classics ... and just curious why you're padding your bottom - is it to make your perch more comfy?

Wol

- the wonders of cut 'n paste!

scottishcelts

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the prison service for refusing to repair the electric chair - he said that in his opinion it was a ****ing death trap.

scottishcelts

40 Gypsies die in a horrific caravan fire and get sent up to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greets them and says "I've only got room for 12, so I`ll give you 5mins to decide amongst yourselves which ones are going to stay"....5 minutes later St Peter is talking to God.."****ing hell they've gone" he says, God replies "What all 40?" "No the ****ing gates!!