midgetjan

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mom fainted.

midgetjan

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly Baked: Labour party, Liberals/Nationals, Democrats or Greens :$150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'

midgetjan

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.



Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".



4 immigrants were suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.



Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "B****s to that" said Paddy "that's the last time I go lion dancing"



63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack,a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .



Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain

Alfresco

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the flat,
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks as if the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having nookie!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having nookie?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

scottishcelts

C'mon - that's shocking!

aston

2 blokes stole a calendar...

they both got 6 months each

scottishcelts

Buzzy--Bee

It was the cold war. A Russian spy was being trained to do undercover work in England. The scene is on a Russian ship, cruising just off the coast of England.

"Now, Ivor," said the trainer, "The English have a lot of religion. So the first person that you meet, you must say to them, "What's your religion?"

Whatever they reply, you say "What a coincidence, that is my religion too. " That way, you will assimilate with the natives quicker."

During the night, Ivor is put into a small boat, and he rows for the coast. He lands, secretes his boat, and begins to walk up the hills behind the beach.

The first person he comes across is a shepherd, tending his sheep.

"Hallo", says Ivor to the shepherd, "what's your religion?"

"Homosexuality", replies the shepherd.

"What a coincidence", replies Ivor, "that's mine too".


And the moral of this story is - Red spy at night, shepherd's delight!



BB

cresta57

Beer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MvUt6n6Xjc

Alfresco

If at first you don't succeed...


then skydiving is not for you!

aston

you know it amazes me how funny the aussies find the fight in the chip shop joke...

try it they love it?

TakenThePlunge

Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles:

"You know that new girl at work, the one I've been wanting to ask out?" he asks.


"Yeah, what about her?" Rick replies.


"Well, every time I see her, I get an instant erection, and have to
turn away to hide it."


"That's rough. Why don't you try taping your dick to your leg ... then it won't show?" Rick suggests.


Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.


A few days later, they meet again:


"Well, I called her and asked her out, and she said yes," Joe reports.


"That's great!"


"So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing a short, sheer dress."


"Great! How'd it go?"


Joe slumps down in his chair. "I kicked her in the face."

midgetjan

Now for some light relief from some Scandinavian friends:

It's too early to tell jokes about Iceland and the volcano -- we should wait until the dust settles.
Forget Al Qaeda. You mess with Iceland, we shut down all your airports.
When Iceland's economy died, its last wish was to have its ashes spread all over Europe.
Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it!
"Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup." "I know, it's a no-fly zone."
What's the capital of Iceland? -- about 25 cents.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer complains "We told them to send cash, they sent ash!"
Notes have appeared at several European chancelleries which say, when translated: "Leave 30 billion euros in a plastic bag at the gate of the Icelandic embassy, and we'll turn the volcano off."

ROMFT_WO2RN

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
Home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
Home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a
sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"



Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

midgetjan

A young couple wanted to join the church, the vicar told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the vicar inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The vicar asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'