gaz1277

What do you call a Gay Yorkshireman with a small penis??











Justin Sidebottom

Sherlock Holmes

is this the oldest joke on the planet?

Police arrested two boys; one for theft of a battery and one for letting off fireworks in the street. They charged one and let the other one off.

Sherlock Holmes

Scientists have discovered that there are basically two sizes of penis in the U.K. Those of decent size and those under 2 inches. To discover how many of each there are, the scientists are asking those with small willies to drive around in their cars displaying a flag with a red cross on a white background for the next six weeks.

Sherlock Holmes

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

gaz1277

"displaying a flag with a red cross on a white background for the next six weeks."

Jealousy from a sweaty sock?

Bernieboy

Surely england still being there in 6 weeks is the joke

Bernieboy

Sherlock Holmes

Letters to the Editor, The Age, Thursday, 30th April 2009.

All this media hype about horse, bird and now, swine flu. Clearly these are insignificant when you consider that 50% of the population is susceptible to man flu, with symptoms that are far more debilitating.

Sherlock Holmes

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Sherlock Holmes

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man says, "I've never heard of that before, what are you taking for it?"

The woman replies, "Pepper."

midgetjan

GRANDCHILDREN QUOTES

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....


2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"


4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


5.. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
Mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
Alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.


6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
Grandfather's' word processor. She told him she was
Writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
Colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out
Something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"


8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes AR e coming after us with flashlights."


9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says
I'm 4 to 6."


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'."


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
Public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
Teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
You know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means
Carrying a child."


12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to
Their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use
The dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Bix

An Irishman is sh@gging a Jewish girl & says
'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says
'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

Sherlock Holmes

God no. Och aye the noo. I just HATE soccer. Played rugby now watch Aussie rules as I'm fat.

scottishcelts

scottishcelts

Yeah I can see that from your pic - you are one fat assed mother ****er aint ya