The 2010 Joke thread (Definitely not child friendly, you've been warned)
Jul 20th 2010, 12:35 pm
#301
Account Closed
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,195
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
pmsl - love it 
Was this you Steve?
THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING. THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
SHE SAID, "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER! JUST TAKE SEVERAL STOPS AND STAY ON A SOFT SURFACE LIKE GRASS OR A PATH."
SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER -- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."
THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.
THEN, A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"
Was this you Steve?
THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING. THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
SHE SAID, "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER! JUST TAKE SEVERAL STOPS AND STAY ON A SOFT SURFACE LIKE GRASS OR A PATH."
SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER -- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."
THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.
THEN, A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"
Jul 20th 2010, 1:59 pm
#302
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: 13th November Palm Cove
Posts: 693
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that...
I thought you were sitting on the cat
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that...
I thought you were sitting on the cat
Jul 21st 2010, 9:26 am
#303
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: 13th November Palm Cove
Posts: 693
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
Please dont read if offended easily
I was walking home last night when I saw a woman crumpled in a side alley, crying her eyes out.
"Whats the matter" I asked
"My dad died this morning" she said, "then, on my way to see my mum, I've been beaten up and robbed of my handbag" She sobbed.
"Well sweet heart", I said, un-buttoning my jeans "this just isn't your day, is it?"
I was walking home last night when I saw a woman crumpled in a side alley, crying her eyes out.
"Whats the matter" I asked
"My dad died this morning" she said, "then, on my way to see my mum, I've been beaten up and robbed of my handbag" She sobbed.
"Well sweet heart", I said, un-buttoning my jeans "this just isn't your day, is it?"
Jul 22nd 2010, 1:39 am
#304
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Posts: 3,681
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Jul 22nd 2010, 1:46 am
#305
She's Diddy, He's Not
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Gold Coast - just like Felixstowe
Posts: 2,454
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
How do you annoy Lady Ga Ga?
Poker face
Poker face
Jul 22nd 2010, 11:09 am
#306
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Posts: 3,681
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
Paddy is walking along Beach road in Pattaya one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-night.
"How much do you charge?", asks Paddy
Su replies, "It starts at 500 Baht for a hand-job."
Paddy says, "500 Baht for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Su says, "Do you see that Su Restaurant on the corner?"
Yes."
"Do you see the next Su’s about another block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see the third Su's, just by the side of the old cinema?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Su, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 Baht."
Paddy then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.
A short time later, Paddy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 Baht.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 Baht?"
Su replies, "2000 Baht."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
Su then says, while signalling Paddy to come closer to her.
"Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Walking Street?
I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every Sittang of 2000 Baht !"
And poor Paddy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
Paddy can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience.
He then asks Su, "How much for some pussy?"
Su replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Pattaya is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"
"Wowwww !!" Paddy shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city??"
"No," Su replies, "but I would if I had a pussy!
He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-night.
"How much do you charge?", asks Paddy
Su replies, "It starts at 500 Baht for a hand-job."
Paddy says, "500 Baht for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Su says, "Do you see that Su Restaurant on the corner?"
Yes."
"Do you see the next Su’s about another block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see the third Su's, just by the side of the old cinema?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Su, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 Baht."
Paddy then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.
A short time later, Paddy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 Baht.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 Baht?"
Su replies, "2000 Baht."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
Su then says, while signalling Paddy to come closer to her.
"Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Walking Street?
I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every Sittang of 2000 Baht !"
And poor Paddy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
Paddy can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience.
He then asks Su, "How much for some pussy?"
Su replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Pattaya is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"
"Wowwww !!" Paddy shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city??"
"No," Su replies, "but I would if I had a pussy!
Jul 22nd 2010, 11:33 am
#307
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Posts: 3,681
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
New ZealandPolice : Investigation
An Officer stops at a dairy farm outside of Morrinsville New Zealand and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegally grown marijuana.'
The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the New Zealand Police with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,
"See this badge"!?
"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, whenever I want to".
"No questions asked, no answers given".
"Have I made myself clear!!??"
"Do you now understand me!!??"
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the officer running for his life and close behind is the huge breeder bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly shitt*ing himself.
The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs to the officer.....
"Your badge! Show him your *****ing badge!"
An Officer stops at a dairy farm outside of Morrinsville New Zealand and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegally grown marijuana.'
The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the New Zealand Police with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,
"See this badge"!?
"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, whenever I want to".
"No questions asked, no answers given".
"Have I made myself clear!!??"
"Do you now understand me!!??"
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the officer running for his life and close behind is the huge breeder bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly shitt*ing himself.
The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs to the officer.....
"Your badge! Show him your *****ing badge!"
Jul 22nd 2010, 11:33 am
#308
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Posts: 3,681
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vise, secured it tightly, and removed the handle... Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......
"Nope.....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vise, secured it tightly, and removed the handle... Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......
"Nope.....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
Jul 22nd 2010, 11:40 am
#309
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Tropical North QLD
Posts: 21,434
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
Jul 22nd 2010, 1:15 pm
#310
Social Grenade Thrower
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: South Coast, NSW
Posts: 3,625
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
Paddy is walking along Beach road in Pattaya one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-night.
"How much do you charge?", asks Paddy
Su replies, "It starts at 500 Baht for a hand-job."
Paddy says, "500 Baht for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Su says, "Do you see that Su Restaurant on the corner?"
Yes."
"Do you see the next Su’s about another block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see the third Su's, just by the side of the old cinema?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Su, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 Baht."
Paddy then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.
A short time later, Paddy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 Baht.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 Baht?"
Su replies, "2000 Baht."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
Su then says, while signalling Paddy to come closer to her.
"Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Walking Street?
I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every Sittang of 2000 Baht !"
And poor Paddy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
Paddy can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience.
He then asks Su, "How much for some pussy?"
Su replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Pattaya is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"
"Wowwww !!" Paddy shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city??"
"No," Su replies, "but I would if I had a pussy!
He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-night.
"How much do you charge?", asks Paddy
Su replies, "It starts at 500 Baht for a hand-job."
Paddy says, "500 Baht for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Su says, "Do you see that Su Restaurant on the corner?"
Yes."
"Do you see the next Su’s about another block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see the third Su's, just by the side of the old cinema?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Su, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 Baht."
Paddy then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.
A short time later, Paddy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 Baht.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 Baht?"
Su replies, "2000 Baht."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
Su then says, while signalling Paddy to come closer to her.
"Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Walking Street?
I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every Sittang of 2000 Baht !"
And poor Paddy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
Paddy can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience.
He then asks Su, "How much for some pussy?"
Su replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Pattaya is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"
"Wowwww !!" Paddy shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city??"
"No," Su replies, "but I would if I had a pussy!
Jul 22nd 2010, 2:52 pm
#311
She's Diddy, He's Not
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Gold Coast - just like Felixstowe
Posts: 2,454
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that...
I thought you were sitting on the cat
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that...
I thought you were sitting on the cat
Jul 23rd 2010, 1:40 am
#312
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Tropical North QLD
Posts: 21,434
Jul 23rd 2010, 9:27 am
#313
Account Closed
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,195
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
I was sitting on this park bench having my lunch yesterday, I looked into the distance and thought 'what the hells going on? That frisbee seems to be getting bigger and bigger' then it hit me
Jul 23rd 2010, 9:29 am
#314
Account Closed
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,195
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...
“Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
“Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Jul 23rd 2010, 9:31 am
#315
Account Closed
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,195
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
Red Rooster are proud to announce the Julia Gillardmeal deal, 2 small breasts and 2 plump thighs served in a big red box 
