MrsE

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.



So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.


She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back!

midgetjan

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your ****ing will
power'

Thanks for this Jan. It's the best joke I've heard in years. I nearly had to change clothes.

Keel[/QUOTE]

You're welcome Keel. I aim to please

haunted

A Russian Astronaught, an American Astronaught and a blonde were having a conversation.

The Russian Astronaught said "We were the first to land on the moon".

The American Astronaught said "We were the first to televise the landing on the moon"

"So what" said the blonde. "We are going to land on the sun"

"Durr..Dont be daft, you'll get burnt and die" said the Astronaughts.

The blode looked and said "Durr...we're going to do it at night"

Buzzy--Bee

Funny.... no-one laughed when I told it - http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=639164 - must be the way you tell 'em!

BB

Wol

Probably the way you spell 'em

haunted

sorry, didnt realise it had already been posted.

Buzzy--Bee

Ha ha ha don't worry it's a good joke!

BB

midgetjan

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for

a week hunting moose.





They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.



The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."





Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane

took off however, while attempting to cross some mountains

even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the

load and went down.







Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only

Paddy and Mick survived the crash.







After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy

asked Mick,"Any idea where we are?"















Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to

where we crashed last year."

midgetjan

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

midgetjan

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

midgetjan

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Rab, are sitting in the Farmers bar
drinking beer. Tam turns to Rab and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan
through life athoot an education.. I'morn, I think I'll go doon to the
squeel and sign up for some nicht classes." Rab thinks it's a good
idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the school and meets the Lecturer, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and
Logic."

Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?" "Aye"" Then
logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden.

Tam replies, "At's true, I div hae a Gairden."





"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think
logically that you would have a house."


"Aye, I dee huv a hoose."





"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."




"I hiv a femily."





"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."





"Man! Yer nae wrang!! I div hae a wife!!"




"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual."





"I am that! a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a'
that oot, jist 'cos huv a strimmer."




Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and
leaves to meet Rab at the pub.

He tells Rab about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English,
History and Logic..
"Logic?" Rab says, "Fit's at? "Tam says, "I'll show ye. Do you huv a
strimmer?"





"No."



"Well then, yer a poof."

midgetjan

A college class were told they had to write a short story with as few words as possible, however it must contain three things (1) Religion, (2) Sexuality and (3) Mystery

The A+ winning story was-:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder how that happened!!!!"

midgetjan

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him
out of ten million bucks.. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason
he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper
would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is..

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't
tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the
trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers............

midgetjan

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.




Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'




An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'



AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .




A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

midgetjan

My small grandson got lost at the mall, he
approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits."