Pollyana

I don't know where you get these from, but you've got me in stitches again!!

Bernieboy

Written on toilet wall.'yer missus is so fat she has little fat people orbiting her',made me wee on the seat

Bernieboy

Pollyana

Ya mucky git!!!

Pollyana

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us

Pollyana

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life? Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Pollyana

One of my favourites - don't think I've posted it before.....

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood
late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they
are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto
the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a
mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When
the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty
times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds
them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse,
and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much
as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my
coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of
the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third
mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to
the first two, "I don't have time for this bullsh*t. I gotta go home
and screw the cat."

midgetjan

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods
and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his
ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup
in the patch.

All of a sudden . .. .POOF!!


In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,
'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of
your life!!!

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

midgetjan

UNIVERSITY STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by Sydney University's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his arse while he is on fire.




No further studies are expected on this subject.

Damson

Haven't looked on here for a while so am cathing up with some true quality jokes. Carry on peeps.

midgetjan

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck
of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go
play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums
to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We
have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30
already... I don't have
time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this
is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using
anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your
mouth Honey, and show him.

midgetjan

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a drug store.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the pharmacist.

“Six pence,” says the pharmacist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the pharmacist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the drug store and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.

“We’ll have a new one.”

midgetjan

At dawn the telephone rings . . .

"Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is
dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains
caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle??!!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she
was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf
club."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!

midgetjan

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years..


Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.




He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.



After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.



'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'










'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.'



As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'



'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.



Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.



'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'



'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .



I'll be there. Thanks again.'



'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'



'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?'

















'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

emma75

Love it!