perksy

You've got to hand it to Emile Heskey. Had a shite world cup, then comes back to England puts a frock on and wins Wimbledon!

Sherlock Holmes

Naughteeeeee!!

Sherlock Holmes

-

Sherlock Holmes

A kind ginger joke:

midgetjan

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

paddyo

Bloke walks into a brothel and says "I like it a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The Madam replies "£37.50"

"Blimey" says the bloke "what do I get for that?"

The Madam looks at him and replies "an England shirt"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All future televised England matches have been moved to the gay adult channel, as the sight of 11 arseholes getting hammered for 90 minutes was far too explicit for terrestrial tv

midgetjan

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'


The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

rocket01

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just couldn't take it any longer

midgetjan

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...


'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, We will not hath a thermon tewday.'

midgetjan

I lost the pub trivia contest
last night by 1 point.

The last question was
“Where do women have the curliest hair?”









See correct answer below.















.......apparently
the correct answer is Fiji

Alfresco

scottishcelts

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.



After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

cresta57

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn (you remember him don't you?).
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467 Miss" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit.
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

Sally Simpson

cresta57

N.S.W