Simone

I'm awake now too


So, how many threads have I killed since this thread started (April 9th);

1. Acreage southwest WA
2. Davalia rd, Duncraig
3. Let's just cut the crap and....
4. Disregard rose-tinted glasses - but enjoy (it's about 19 hours..)


Anway, as someone mentioned, because people are subsribed to this thread, it's never going to die. Everytime someones posts I get an email. So this morning I got up, and I can click in the links in my emails and go to the new reply of every thread I've subscribed too(you subscribe by posting on a thread, or clicking on the link at the bottom 'subscribe to this thread'.
To get the email updates, you can choose that in your options in your profile.

JackTheLad

G'Night Jim....

you might want to do one last post before bed tho. You don't want to go to sleep with that number of posts (666). :scared:

JTL

Paul2004

aha! .......... good point!

phone number has 666 in it too funny enough! ...lol

anyway!! .......... this thread is closed thanks!

Paul2004

All lies!

man I need some

just wondering if I'm taking this 'who's gonna kill this thread' a bit too serious. I mean, waiting here for JTL to post so I can post one after him is well ...................

oh it's all fun ennit! ...lol

(not really waiting )

JackTheLad

I was sleeping My little post lunch siesta that dragged on to 4pm.

Alright then, I've only killed two threads since April 9th

PR or not PR
Songs that speak volumes

Its worse for the 'songs that speak volumes' thread, cos I kiiled it with a joke. Its like cracking a joke in a pub, and it falls silent, and everyone looks away embarrassed.

The 'I'll get me coat' feeling

Cheers,
JTL

Simone

1. Acreage southwest WA
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showp...5&postcount=11
Helping someone, even tried looking stuff up for them....

3. Let's just cut the crap and....
Bundy(and everyone else who's not as busy! ) seems to be ignoring me in what was once a lively thread.....

4. Disregard rose-tinted glasses - but enjoy (it's nearly 24 hours..)
very long post... And it was such a funny thread, it should keep going!!!


:scared:

JackTheLad

Its ALIVE, ITS ALLIIIVEE!!!

JTL - Thread doctor

ub40fan

Jacks back :scared:

Simone

It's alive!!!!

Professional Princess

Or so he thought...

'Has he gone yet?' John Howard whispered from hiding behind the picture frame. It was hard work pretending to be a picture.

'Looks that way' Alan replied climbing out of his large wooden picture frame.

'Watch yourself George' Jeremy yelled stepping out of his frame just as George fell flat on his face from tripping out of his photo frame.

'Bugger, Ive torn my new trousers' George growled and then kicked a giggling John in the shin for taking the mickey out of him.

'Beer anyone?' Alan grinned and handed the boys a nice bottle of Hann, although John Howard couldnt hold his beer so had to have a Hann light.

'Anybody here?' Came a camp voice from outside.

'Oh bloody nora!' The boys said in unison.

It was Barry the camp TRA man. Quite a nice professional chap with a strong desire for dressing up in womens clothing. He loved the colour purple (ive read that book) and today, he excelled himself.

Wearing a long purple lacey dress, a purple feather boa, purple strappy sandles, a purple hat around his head, purple eyeshadow and lipstic and some of those fake bra fillers that somewhate resemble chicken fillets firmly stuffed in a purple bra.

He looked like a giant bruise.

Alan sat there stiffling gulps and snorts, going puce with laughter, Jeremy tried ever so hard to be professional and bit his lip to stop himself laughing, making it bleed in the process.

George had no such restraint and pissed himself with laughter and John Howard who hates anything that is not 'Alpha Male', sat there with his mouth so wide open he could have trapped budgies in it.

'Flaming poofter!' John snarled at Barry.

'Oh darling Johnny Boy, I know you are SO jealous of my clothes, don't worry I have a pink outfit for you at home' Barry gushed to a quivering John Howard.

Then grabbing his chubby little cheeks, planted a wet kiss on each cheek leaving a bright purple lipstick mark on each side.

'Yer bugger!' Shouted John Howard, only wiping one side of the lipstick off furiously, using a piece of tissue a smirking Jeremy handed him.

'Has it all gone?' He pleaded with Alan.

'Yes it has' Lied Alan. For it hadn't, the larges lipstick mark was firmly stuck on Johns left face cheek.

'You liar - Ouch!!!!' Jeremy started to say before George kicked him hard in the knee cap stopping him in his tracks.

Looking doubtfully at the boys and a beaming Barry, John tried to look 'hard and manly' and opened a bottle of Hann - strong version to try and prove himself to Barry.

'You know you cant hold your drink' Alan said to John Howard. He remembered the last time John was drunk, he had run through 'Coles' with just his boxer shorts on and nearly got arrested.

It was only Jeremys diplomatic skills and George pretending to have a fit on the floor that stopped him getting arrested.

In an act of defiance, John Howard drained the bottle and opened another one and started drinking it in between belching loudly in Barrys face.

'So whats up Barry?' Asked George, as he opened a bag of Doritos. Really George was a cutie, a very innocent face and all the girls loved him.

'Well, I've managed to write a book on how to do the perfect skills assessment!' Barry gushed waving something resembling a large thesis in Georges face.

'What the hell is that?' Alan asked almost choking on his beer.

'Probably a book on being the perfect poofter' John Howard muttered to nobody in particular. He had been such a show off since he won the last election and was convinced half of Australia wanted to get in his pants. He was wrong, it wasnt half of Australia at all.

It was a small piece of West London and that small piece was Professional Princess.

Glancing down to his book, Barry lovingly admired his new purple nail polish. 'Oh this, its me of course darlings' Barry crooned.

Stroking the cover of his skills assessment book, on the cover was a picture of Barry in a naughty Chefs outfit of chefs white jacket touching just above his bottom, which I might add, was so firm it resembled 2 hard boiled eggs in a handkerchief.

As well as the chefs jacket, Barry wore black stockings and black silk knickers and a pink Chefs hat with 'Bitch Boy' on the front.

Holding pink furry handled chef knives in each hand, he proudly posed against a pink kitchen.

On the worktop, lay a book called 'How to make pink pie'.

The whole photo was sensational.

'Targeted for the Chefs with class' Barry proudly announced to a stunned Jeremy, Alan, George and a totally drunk John Howard.

Adding; 'If everyone has this book, Im sure they will pass' and then proceeded to file his beautiful nails.

'I take it all the professions you assess are in there' Alan asked, creased up with laughter.

'Yes darling, and there is a pastel colour to suit all professions' Barry giggled girlishly.

'Shall we play 'Twister'?' Barry yelled spotting the game in the dust on the shelves.

'Bugger off, I aint playing that' John Howard slurred. Two bottles of Hann and now he was plastered and had removed his tie and had tied it round his head.

Still unaware he had purple lipstick on his cheek, he had also undone his shirt a few buttons to make himself look 'hot'. But with no hairs on his chest, he looked a plonker.

'I havent played Twister in years!' Jeremy squeaked in excitement.

'Oh lets!' George shouted and pulled the game down and choking on the dust at the same time.

Ten minutes later, the boys and Barry were entwined with one another as they tried to play 'Twister'. This was very hard because they were all drunk.

Even John Howard had joined in bless him. Hostilities suspended with Barry the camp TRA man, he was now enjoying himself.

'You pinched my bottom' Yelled John to Barry who was now wearing his feather boa round his head like John Howard was wearing his tie.

'You don't have a bottom darling', Barry drawled.

'And you're not my type!' Barry giggled.

'Why am I not your type? Whats wrong with me?' John Howard asked, upset at the rebuff. I mean, he was straight but wanted to know what was wrong with him.

'Alan, did you hear that?' John asked Alan, who really couldnt answer as Jeremys legs were round his arms and any minute now, George was going to strangle him.

After the game......

'Right, time for some football' Alan announced and turned on the TV.

'Aussie rules?' John Howard asked hopefully.

'I don't think so' Alan replied and added; 'Oh goodee, England Vs Argentina'.

John Howard was now so drunk, he had Barrys purple boa round his neck and even more lipstick on his bald head.

So the boys sat down to watch the footie. Jeremy adding that Aussie Rules footie was far better, it was light hearted banter and apart from Barry farting on John Howards knee, quite respectable.

Flicking through Barrys skills assessment book, George laughed at some of the pictures. In various girly pastel colours, each trade had a different colour. Pink for Chefs, Cream for sparkies, Blue for hairdressing. Really it was hilarious.

Suddenly, a noise came from outside, causing the boys to stop what they were doing.

'What the hell is that?' Jeremy asked with beer dribbling down his face.

'Im buggered if I know' Alan replied, going pale.

'If there is any of that to be done, I will do it!' Said a drunk Barry.

'Not on me you won't' John giggled.

'Shhh, all of you!' Jeremy snapped silencing the boys.


OUTSIDE......

'Im sure someone is in there' Jim thought to himself. He was convinced he saw the people in the pictures move.

'Hello, is anybody there?' Jim asks whilst trying to clean the windows of his 'dead thread'.

Trying to push the door, Jim picks up a large piece of wood and with all his effort, manages to open the door.

I don't know who was more shocked.

The boys sitting on the chair and seeing Jim come back to the thread that they thought had died.

Or

Jim seeing George, Jeremy and Alan sitting next to a Camp TRA man and the Aussie Prime Minister with a tie round his head, his shirt unbuttoned, a purple feather boa round his neck and his face covered in purple lipstick.

'What the hell is going on?' Jim demanded to the furiously blushing boys.

'I could say the same thing' Jeremy replied using his poshest voice.

Staring at Barry and John Howard, Jeremy's mouth fell open.

'Its not what it looks like' John Howard whispered, protesting his innocence.

'Not much it isn't' Jeremy said.

Alan glanced to Jeremy and George and they all stared hard at Jim.

'He can't leave now, he knows to much' Jeremy announced.

Nodding in agreement, the boys looked at a nervous Jim.

'You can't make me stay!' Jim shouted, half scared.

Leaning forward, Barry grabbed Jims hand and said soothingly; 'Darling, you are one of us now' and pulls him down to a chair.


Half an hour later, it was as though he had been there forever.

Back in the forum...

'Anyone seen Jim?' Hevs asks her pals.

'Nope, he hasnt been the same since the closure of his 'Thread Killer' thread' Scissors replied.

Glancing round the old derelict building of the 'dead thread', Hevs tries to peer through the window, but cant as the windows were so dirty.

'Thats funny, I could have sworn I heard the sounds of a football match and Jim laughing' Hevs said, puzzled.

'You must be dreaming' Merlot laughs and pours Hevs a beer.

But if she had looked through the window a bit harder, she would have seen purple feathers all over the floor....



The End........

tonyk38

Bloody nora! Was that the longest post in history?

Professional Princess

Careful Tony, because if you look through the windows, you too will be with Alan, George, Barry, Jeremy, John Howard and Jim.

Welcome to my world

tonyk38

Sorry, but I am something of a thread killing expert you see...

How you doing PP?

ub40fan

Thats given me something to giggle about while I do the ironing!

JackTheLad

Ever typed up a new thread, chuckling to yourself as you wrote it, thinking this is the funniest thing since blackadder. Then posted it, and nobody got the joke?

I just did

Cheers,
JTL