Get your child used to Aussie TV and radio by regularly using the words 'crap', 'shit', 'shithouse' and 'wanker' in normal conversation.

Get used to OZ TV news (at least on the commerical channels) by recording twenty minutes of the "and finally" sections off News At Ten and just play that.

Prepare your child for OZ TV advertising now by telling them what KY Warming Liquid is.

Top Tip (from Badge)

Wish I had read these when I had my 9 month sentence back in UK.
I could have gone about my merry way in London actually thinking I was in Australia. And it was a right old ripper of a summer last year..

That's an excellent idea. I think we should challenge some Poms to actually try out these tips in the UK and live more Aussie. OK you lot, you should be online about now, who's up first!

I suggest the first challenge should be kept easy. Go to your local newsagent to buy your paper without wearing any shoes. Reports on reactions to be posted back here.

In the right circumstances:
use the word sad - this means you are sick person

use the word sick - this means you are cool mate... whoo hoo do it again.


pronounce sadist - SAD - est.

never mind TV for swearing listen to everyday people when they swear at their little children.. "Come heres yous , get in this fing house" imagine this in an uplifting tuneful twang.

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some more tips - to prepare you;
drink vinegar.. this will get you used to the $10 etc casks of wine
Don't shout you Aussie w*nkers at the TV ( when your sitting with all your Aussie mates watching the games!) LOL ( I'm serious..lol.. sorry now I'm really killing myself laughing)

PMSL at these tips, they are so true!! I don't think the Aussies would agree though


Go to Kmart and buy the cheapest pair of PVC 'runners' you can find, insist your kid wears them to school EVERY day, even in 40C. Wonder frequently why their feet honk/ have so many infections.


Make your kid look the coolest in the class by applying at least 30 'Band aids' to their legs each day. It saves buying ointment for the mossie bites. In fact cover their whole legs with Band Aids then they wont get bitten at all.

I have the same problem understanding what I am being told - especially when trying to fathom something I say as nice eg a house or a trip or a magazine and being told 'ah Mum that is so gay!'

As for the Radio peeps - I choked the first time I heard wanker being used as a general term on the radio - especially as it was about Santa Clause!

Make your own ute by ripping the back of a perfectly good car and replacing it with a large tin tray.
For more authenticity include some of the following items:
fishing rods
tool box
esky (cool box)
dog with rope round neck

General shopping tips:

When leaving a shop in the UK, go up to the assistant nearest the exit, smile and open your bag for them to look into.

Ask whether instead of the Buy One Get One Free offer in your shop could you just have 7p off instead.

Only use your Sainsbury's Reward card 1 in every 100 times you shop to familiarise yourself with the value of Fly-Buys.

When you have only a couple of items to buy, stand idly for about 10 minutes before going to the 8 items or less queue to simulate the time you will wait in Woolies. Alternatively, find a queue of 100 people to stand behind.

When buying clothes, ensure that you can mulitply the size in inches by 2.54 accurately in your head to get it into centimetres. This will help in doing the division in your head when here in Oz. Then when you get here, find you've bought a 42in waist by mistake anyaway.

Jayr, that is just sooooo true, I'm killing myself laughing!! And as for the earlier one about Cheerios....they have got to be the most disgusting thing ever. At my last workplace they used to boil them in water in the microwave then serve them up on special occasions as A Big Treat!! I used to try and avoid them, but people would rush up to me telling me how good they are and offering them to me. And surely calling them sausages is a real insult to the humble sausage!

Rename your mates Spaz, Spew, Pig, Bonghead, Mullet, Wanga, Crusha etc

Or in the case of a bloke just add AZZA to the end, Jazza, spazza, bazza etc.

For a girl, add LENE to the end, Ashlene, Kylene, etc

Call your Mrs, Dahl as in get me a beer Dahl, get me a pie Dahl or if not on good terms just Mrs will do.

This is so true! I actually always say this to my hubby, or any mates of mine (male and female) - works two ways here.. Oh my gawd I'm finally changing into a man ..lOL ( and I'm certainly not that!)

Not so, old bean. This is the guide to behaving like an Aussie. You don't behave this way? you must stick out like a sore thumb.

You must hang out with people you knew in primary school, your best mate from Pialba Kindy was your best man and you married his sister, all the bridesmaids knew each other in High. The bloke you work for was your big brothers best mate and took you on after High. Its your 40th now and everyone from High got together and threw you a surprise barbie, the girls did a scrap board of photos from High, hilarious. You tell a few stories about getting drunk in High and when Boffa went overseas to Fiji after High.

OMG! Yes, I saw that the other day!
I was quite shocked! So, it must've been daytime or early evening, otherwise it wouldn't seemed more 'normal'.

Such a stupid add too!


Cheerios - I first though you lot were talking about cereal!

Pollyana, your last job place is just unbelievable! :scared:

D'you know the funniest bit? Before I left I had received- by internal mail, from the boss, from the boss's secretary etc etc - no less than 4 "Exit Questionaires" - since leaving I have had another 3 through the post! I figure they REALLY want my views, so today I filled four pages of A4 with my unvarnished views of the company and my former boss and posted them to Human Resources quick before I got cold feet........