Got a phone call at 11.30 tonight from M. We'd been playing phone tag all day - I feel as though I'm stuck in the middle of a nightmare I can't wake up from. As I thought, his mum came down heavy on him about doing the right thing and his dad even flew into town to tell him that if he got this girl pregnant regardless of the circumstances he should do the honourable thing and marry her. Anyway I'm telling all of this back to front - when he called at first he was just asking about my week, telling me how much he missed me etc and then I asked had he heard from her how the baby was and he went all quiet and said what are my plans for the weekend (yeah like I have any since Gina cant get a cheap flight) and I said none and he said well I'm not going to Nashville to see Anna this weekend as I really want us to spend some time together, we need to talk but it wasn't something he could talk about on the phone - course I pressed him. She called him Thursday to say she has been thrown out of yet another place and has nowhere to go and has no idea what will become of her and his daughter if he doesn't let her move in with him - as he says - what choice does he have. He was utterly distraught crying down the phone and telling me how much he loves me and how bad he feels about all the plans we made together and how big a part that played in my decision to come here blah blah. Which just makes it all ten times worse. I hung up the phone as I just couldnt even speak and he called back and said he would make other arrangements to get home from the airport, I said forget it I will pick you up - he lives 90 mins from airport - there is no one else. Then he says to me please stay tomorrow night and please spend the weekend with me. WTF?

I am just so messed up. I have never loved anyone in my whole life like I love him - maybe its only been 18 mos and in reality we have probably only spent about 4 of those together IRL but my God how can things have changed so much in 10 days - 2 weeks ago we were talking about marriage and how lucky we were to have found each other and now this.

I called my friend in Boston and she says you have to spend the weekend with him, try talk some sense into him. Aint gonna work - and he knows the probability is that she could be lying about being homeless but he can't take that chance when she has his daughter. I said are you two gonna try and work things out and he said that she told him she never stopped loving him and that they should try for Anna's sake - likewise his parents think the same blah blah.

All he kept saying was I am so sorry, and crying. All I can think of now is getting on a flight home to be with my mum and have someone put their arms around me and tell me its gonna be okay. I cant take staying here without a soul and knowing he's so close and I can't even see him. What a bloody mess. Not to mention the fact that I am going to have to go through the goodbyes tomorrow or at the weekend. Part of me is thinking go and spend the weekend together - but that's only going to make it harder to let go.

I guess the best thing is just to throw in the towel and go home. It's just to much to deal with everything else that's going on.

I just can't believe this has happened.

Lesley, I'm so sorry to hear the news.

You may not want, I might be way off the mark but here is what I would do.

If your heart tells you to go home and see you mom. DO IT!!!

Don't sit there feeling sad or lonely, just go to her. The worst thing you can do now is be alone and let your mind stew over all that has happened. You need to be with someone and your mom would be the perfect person right now.

I would do the same thing in your situation. I would be on the first plane back to England and be around friends and family and try to put it all behind me and move on.

I don't know your full story and forgive me if it is on the board but I read a lot of threads and miss a few. If that's how this guy thinks he should treat you, you would be better off without him.

Go see your mom. If she is anything like mine, she would be worried sick about you knowing what is going on. Go to her.

Right at this moment in time it's the only thing I want to do - other than for the last 10 days to have been a bad dream. Problem is I have rented my house out for 6 months - dont have a pet passport yet for my cats - bought a car and taken out a short term loan - gave up my job in the UK. Not tomention that my employer waited 3 mos on me and a vacation is out of the question - work wise and financially. It's home for good or not at all right now. It's all just a terrible mess. And he's really not a bad person - just very easy to manipulate - I truly believe he thinks he's doing the right thing and doesn't have a choice- he was so distraught on the phone and I'm dreading tomorrow night even more now because I know I'm gonna be in pieces and the last thing he needs right now is even more pressure.

I couldn't have imagined a worse scenario if I tried.

I'm not up to speed on you being in the USA.

Did you originally come with a job or was it because you met this guy?

If it's too much to talk about, just ignore me. No problem.

But if you came with a job, then I agree that staying maybe a first choice. Do you not have any friends through the job? Someone you can talk with?

If you came to the USA because you met this guy, then I would go back to England to be with mom.

But that's just me, we're all different. Just do what you want to do, not what you feel you have to do.

My mom panics if I don't reply to her e-mails within 24 hours, so just make sure your mom knows you are okay

I came on a J1 visa for 18 mos - which was a decision first and foremost for the job/lifestyle etc. I guess I just wanted a total change, I was married for 4 years, and about 2 mos after I lost our baby, we split up. Came over on several trips for and had interviews and about a year and a half ago I met him and we went back and forth for the rest of that time. He wanted me tomove in with him right off but I was more cautious and tooka 10 month lease on an apt (6 weeks ago) - our plan was that I would come in on J-1 and we would either get married or I would try for H1B. I just cant see myself being here without him and being so close by etc. It's so hard to meet people without going to church and everyone in work is married and they all invite me to their churches, which is very nice of them but it's just not my thing, I dont mean any offence to them by that.

well I suppose I should go and try to get a few hours sleep, mabye things will seem clearer in the morning - or,maybe I can try and talk some sense into him tomorrow night. If she living there in less than 2 weeks time she is going to make his life hell if he continues to see me that much I know for sure - and the sad thing is she is going to use her daughter as a pawn and her ammunition for as long as she can. :-(

My wife's ex is doing the same thing. My wife has two kids from her previous relationship (a common law wife deal - a real headache, you don't wanna hear about it). We get e-mails all the time with him saying I'm a tool of satan (no lies, this guy is insane), how I'm an idiot, I don't belong in the country and how he will always be there when she decides to go back to him.

Take it from me. You don't want to go there. If the only thing keeping you in the States is this guy, I'd fly back. You deserve more than living here unhappy because of his past. It's his past, not yours, and you shouldn't have to suffer for it.

Sometimes you just have to know when to let go and walk away.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

But I agree, stay away from the churches. In your low state they'll branwash you to believe anything. Do what's best for you. Always.

Lesley

I am sorry to hear about all you are going thru. However if it was me I would spend the night crying my eyes out, watching chick flicks and eating my favourite junk, then get up in the morning and determine to move on with my life.

I know that is easy to say, but you have a once in a lifetime opportunity. I wouldn't be heading back home as you fought too hard to get where you are now. Put the man behind you, he is obviously unable to give you what you need. Get out there enjoy the new surrounds, try and meet new people and perhaps focus on your career for a while. I know it is hard to meet people but is there anything you have really wanted to try? Do you run - could you join an athletics club?

Don't give up too easy as life in the US can be fun, and if you screw your employer and then down the track want to come back to the US things won't look good for you.

Look at this as a positive, you found out before you got married. Just like the buses, another man will come along.

It sounds to me like you do need to go home, just from the way write - conveying to us that there isn't any way things are going to work out and that you want to go home.

I know you won't want to hear this - but if you haven't done so already, let the guy make his own way home from the airport.

All airports have taxi and shared ride or/and shuttle services. Make him take a Greyhound bus or train if necessary. He's just being cheap.

I also think it would be best not to see him at the weekend. It's just going to drag out the misery for you and you're going to be a doormat. Maybe he's getting some perverse pleasure knowing that he's got two women running after him.

As someone has already said - at least this has all come out in the open before you married the guy. Unfortunately for you, now that he has accepted that he is the father of this baby, you will always have the child (and her strange manipulating mother) in your lives if you stay together. On top of that, his parents are obviously putting pressure on him to form a family unit with the mother and baby.

It's going to kill you to do it - but honestly you would be better off telling him to get lost. It takes two to make a baby - if he was adamant that he didn't want to be a father to this woman's child he should have used a condom.....it sounds to me like he's making out that it's 'her fault' that she got pregnant. Oldest story in the book.......

I'm sorry that this sounds harsh and unsympathetic, but this guy knew exactly what you gave up to come over to the States. You're the one doing all the running after him and he is just being weak and keeping his options open.....hoping to get laid this weekend no doubt.

Keep your pride and dignity Lesley and tell him to 'sling his hook'. Then make yourself busy - go and see a movie, get a massage or a manicure at a spa, go hiking....anything.

But *do not* collect him at the airport.

Sending big ((((((hugs)))))) your way.

Lesley, I really do feel for you in your situation but I'm with Englishmum.

If you've been together for 18 months I'm assuming he cheated on you to father this child, is that the case? If it is I think you should call time on this relationship now.

Don't rationalise his behaviour any longer. I know it's crap but I'm getting the impression he's just not worth the investment you are putting into him.

It will take some time to get over but you will, and you will move on, even though it might not feel like it at the moment.

You are starting out on what could be a great adventure over here and you just have to view him as a setback.

Lesley, I am so sorry for your situation and I am sure you are in pain right now. But I agree with Englishmum and Snorkmaiden too. He's cheated on you and you most likely wouldn't have found out if there wasn't a baby. Even if he wanted you two to be together, it's no way to start off a life together with his new baby being in your life and you know that she and her mother will always be there. It seems to me like he's making excuses and wants to string you along for a while. Dump him, don't meet him at the airport - let him realise that he is going to miss you. Don't spend the weekend with him - you will only be rehashing old stuff and he will use you and then go his own sweet way. Make a life for yourself - easy for me to say, but I am sure you can do it.

I'm with the girls. Be dignified about it, but don't let him use you as a taxi service or a weekend shag. I know it's really tough. My ex had an affair and it took a long time to get over it. Eventually though, you do.

If you make a trip back to England, can you at least try and visit your friend in Boston? It'd be like a breath of fresh air after being in the bible belt. The weather is much like England right now and there's tons to do. I'll even take you out for a drink!

I don't know anything about your visa, but is there any chance you could look into relocating to a different part of the US?

Lesley: I have been following your posts on and off but don't usually respond to these kinds of situations because there are many people on this board who are much better at the social support side of things than I. Besides, I tend to look at the story very objectively, and this doesn't always go down well when poeple's feelings are so wrapped up in the situation. But I can't bite my tongue any longer, so here goes:

This guy needs to get a pair of b*lls and a spine! He's created this situation and he wants you to feel sorry for him and "understand". Bullsh*t! I agree with several of the responses that you should move on.

BUT, I do think you should meet up with him this weekend, though you'll have to be strong to do it. He should face up to you - heck, just look at everything you've given up to get here! The least he can do is stop ducking you by turning on his answering machine and face you. Sorry, I'm a bit confused about how/where you are meeting with him, but I'd suggest you meet him on your turf, not his. If needs be, you can pick him up - and at the end of the weekend, you can point him towards the nearest Greyhound station if necessary.

If he created this child (sorry, but I think this part is really fishy), then good for him if he wants to be a supportive parent. But that doesn't mean he has to marry the woman, for goodness' sake! We're in the 21st century, not the 1800's - we don't have shotgun weddings any more! There are lots of parents who do not live with their children, or their children's mother.

Do not go home yet. You have status to be here, and we all know that is not easy to come by. Treat it as an extended/open-ended holiday (I know you probably wouldn't call this a vacation just now, but give it time). You can go home ANY time - you are a U.K. citizen - but you can't come to/live in the US whenever you wish. Don't rush into it yet while your head is in a whirl.

The first thing you should do is give this guy a lecture and show him you are a strong, independent woman. Tell him he obviously is not ready to meet his commitment to you, and so therefore you "relieve" him of his commitment. If and when he feels ready to re-commit he can let you know and if you are interested by then you will let HIM know on what terms you will re-start a relationship with him (note I said A relationship - not THE relationship; you may by then just want a friendship).

And then make the most of your situation. It can be very lonely when you first move here, especially if you are a single (and being a "just-ditched" single must be even harder). But look throughout this board and you'll see people recount how miserable they were when they first arrived, and it did get better. If you hate it in 6 months, or a year, leave then. But don't leave now. At least get your "money'sworth" out of this unusual and unexpected "working vacation" .

Be strong! Good luck!

Lesley - you've had the resolve to make it this far gal, don't let it all go to waste over a bloke who's obviously not worth it.

Any guy who can be so easily swayed by his parents surely ain't worth his salt.

Sure, it's gonna be tough for a while, don't think it won't be but this is your life, no-one elses and you've got to live it - make your mistakes, take the consequences and learn from your own experiences.

Don't cow-tow to some bloke, I've been there and done that and as much as I love my new Hubby, if he did or said something I didn't like or agree with, I'd let him know, (and have done so).

In the end, it's about self-respect so, I'm with the gals - don't pick him up from the airport and don't spend the weekend with him.

Just my opinion, you do what you feel you have to and take care of number one first, (that's you)!!

Take care

*hugs*

Tam

Thanks everyone (again!!). I know you're all right and I lay awake all night going over everything in my head and it would be the worst time to make a decision about going home right at this moment - tempting tho it is. I think in the wee small hours everything seems 10 times worse and I didn't even think I could make it into work today but here I am on my 5th cup of coffee!

Re the airport tonight - I am going to go - for a start I have a ton of stuff at his place and one of my cats is there so I need to pick her and all my stuff up. She was the outdoor cat and was totally miserable so we moved her over there and she is in her element now out in the back garden all day and climing up trees again etc. He lives in Millington, TN and his neighbour is taking care of the cats mostly while he has been gone - it's definitely been better for Amber as she was miserable stuck inside all the time. Anyways - I'm getting off the subject but I do need to get my stuff together and I don't think I could just walk away without seeing him face to face - pathetic I know!

In answer to the questions - when I met him at first he really had just split with her and although we spent a lot of time together going to dinner and stuff nothing more than that happened at that stage - he just said he wanted to help me get over here blah blah and we decided to keep in touch. A few months went by and we started talking on the phone every night blah blah - I was seeing someone at home briefly and he later mentioned that she had been in Memphis one weekend and they had ended up together and both regretted it blah blah - weren't gonna and didn't see each other again - until Anna was born. She had always been on the pill and she told him she still was and hadn't been with anyone else - she reckons the pill didn't work and it was just one of those things. So I knew about this all from the start - after that I was coming back over and we spent the whole time together then and that was the start of us both going back and forth and hours of phone calls every night - the usual.

In all honesty I don't think either of us thought for one second that the baby would be his - the timing, frequency etc tied in more with the other guys but he had total control over the swabs and got the results from the horses mouth. I think with regard to the pressure his family is putting him on again - different backgrounds etc - his mother is Hawaiian, father half Japanese - and they are VERY old fashioned - irony is though that they lived their lives close to the edge and M and his siblings had a pretty awful time growing up with an assortment of stepparents along the way.

Maybe I am just one huge sap - but I can't hate him for this. I knwo he just wants to do the right thing for Anna and if you knew him, like every person I know that does - you would know he would never intentionally hurt a fly.

So yeah, tonight is going to be awful, collecting my stuff and bringing Amber back here - but I have to be able to say goodbye face to face but I won't be spending the weekend with him - I guess I can still try and salvage at least some dignity. Oh well back to Target with the new baby album and bits and pieces I bought for him during the week - stuff like that is hard because I realise how bloody stupid I have been to actually think that this would ever have worked out.

Really - thanks for listening everyone, I appreciate it more than you know.