Disillusioned
 

Hi folks, been a long time since I've been to these here parts! Some of the older farts might remember that I came here 7 years ago to work as a nurse. Well, I still am and I've been in Connecticut for 6 years now, after a year in Arizona. I know I'm one of the lucky ones as I have good job, earn more money than I've ever earned in my life, have a beautiful house that I could never afford the like of in England, and yet....I'm miserable.

Of late I have really been feeling the differences between the UK and the USA. This is not meant as a criticism of the American people, but really deep down, anyone who has been here for any length of time will tell you...its just different. Here in the NorthEast I find people so utterly fake. I have tried to make friends but I find that time after time I am let down so badly that I don't even want to try anymore. I've always been a very open and genuine person and it upsets me so much when I give of myself only to discover that people really never gave a shit about me to start with. I have tried to analyze what it is that lets this happen but when I compare to how things were back home it's so off the charts it doesn't compare. The only real friends I have are all in England. Those are the people whom I have known for many years and are like family to me. Every friend I ever made from the age of 15 I am still friends with, and yet I simply can't make friends here in the US. I find that Americans really don't get that involved, at least not to my experience.

I find that people completely misunderstand me. When I try to be funny they look blankly at me, when I try to be polite they think I'm rude etc etc. It's so frustrating! When I finally let my guard down and start to trust someone, guaranteed they &^%$ me right up the you know what! It's making me very sad.

At home, you can just sit down and have a cup of tea and a laugh with someone, but here I feel everything is so forced, and you have to watch what you say all the time because people take offense so easily. I never seem to fit in and I don't often understand the humour. I long to be able to relax and just have a good ol' natter like I did in England.

I get tired of the fakeness, the competitiveness, the endless comments about my accent and why do they always think I'm Australian??? I've been here 7 years and never met a single Australian. England is just across the ocean but it would never occur to anyone that I'm English!! If one more person says "oh gee, I just love your accent" I'm going to scream! I'm tired of the crap food, the horrible grocery stores, the crappy driving, the selfishness of everyone. My job is high stress and very competitive, and find that people rip you to shreds at the very first opportunity. I'm becoming a nervous wreck. For the first time in 7 years I really feel like going home. /rant.

Re: Disillusioned
 

Hi Rockgurl, I remember you from when I first joined the site. I'm sorry you're feeling disillusioned although I think your feelings are shared by many, especially women who miss the old cuppa and natter...

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Thanks Sally. I know things are bad when I get homesick standing next to the English food section in Stop & Shop, staring at the Aero bars! LOL

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:lol: Little things can set you off for sure...mm Aero.

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Hello there...nice to see you back. I'm sorry you're so unsettled...I think it's something most of us go through from time to time.

Any chance you can make a trip back to Blighty to recharge your batteries?

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Hi Jerseygirl, nice to see you. Actually I was just there...well at Christmas time which wasn't all that long ago. It was the first time I'd spent Xmas and New Year in England for 6 years. It was lovely. To be honest, it's not quite so much homesickness as some traumatic things that have happened to me over the past 2 years here in the USA. Firstly i went through a very upsetting time with someone I was very close to who really hurt me, and secondly I've been sick for a while and my health has become a bit of a problem, which wears me down a lot. That and a milion other niggles has made me a bit unsettled really. I just feel perpetually under stress to perform and I just don't have much gas left in my tank.

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Sorry to hear that...no wonder you're longing for Blighty. When things go pear shaped I thinks it's natural to want to be in a place you feel safe and secure in.

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You're not stuck in the northeast, are you? Why not shop around for a less stressful nursing position - if nursing is still what you want to do. Perhaps you'd like a slightly slower pace! :)

Ian

Re: Disillusioned
 

Yes she could come to LA if she's sick of fake people.



:eek:

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:rofl: It's everywhere isn't it!
It is hard to find good friends, even I get those looks from friends I've had for nearly 15 years or so, yet they are still my friends and we still get together.
I miss the same things, and Aero's too.

Re: Disillusioned
 

wow that post could have been written by me!
I've been in the North East for nearly 7 years too and feel alot like you a lot of the time.

So I guess I don't have any advice, or I'd be taking it myself.
I'm off to England tomorrow for a visit and can't wait to get back to what you describe and just hanging out with people I've known since I was 15 and having a laugh without them looking at me like I'm an alien.

And yeah, it's definately worse when things go wrong and you don't have your best supporters over here with you.

Hope things start to get better for you xxxx

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Or you could re-word that: Rockgurl could come to LA because there are a lot of sick fake people there.

Might make her nursing career more interesting:D


Good to see you RG. A change of venue may be what you need to boost you back up. There's always Texas;)

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Now that's true :lol:

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I feel as you do (although, being from Australia, I usually get asked about my English accent. Sigh.). I've been here 16 and a half years (first in NJ, then here in Virginia for the past 4 years) and am heading back permanently to Aus in less than two months. There really are some truly good people here; you just have to look for them. But, at least for me, that feeling on 'not quite fitting in' has never gone away. I have to work much harder here to be happy, and at some point I began to wonder what it all was for.

Whatever decision you make, I hope things start to look up for you. You're not alone in how you're feeling right now.

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I remember you, Rockgurl. Come out to Denver. Pretty cosmopolitan. Small-town big-city feel.

People here are pretty grand.
I also found the scene you immerse yourself helps greatly, too.

Haven't you got a man?

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Hiya RG, your rant could be me..and the funny thing is, I'm American-born. I have my best friend that I talk to all the time and the rest who called me a friend just fell off a cliff when I graduated school and got married 7 years ago. And my British hubby also feels very much like you do. Before taking the drastic move of going to the UK, we are planning to move out the Pacific Northwest. We are hoping to find more like-minded people, and a better climate (I can't stand the heat here in the mid-west/South).

Have you tried meet-up.com to find an interest group, or even joining in an ex-pat meet-up in your area? I know peeps organize piss-ups in many places in the Meet-ups forum.

Good luck hon.

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Awww....bless you all for understanding. Moving is not really an option for me as I now own a house and the thought of moving again just fills me with horror. I moved 3 times in 2 years when I first got here and I just can't face it again. I love my house, and I actually do like Connecticut (apart from the issues I mentioned). In the current housing market, I dare not sell or buy right now. From experience, I do know that the NorthEast is the most competitive, fast paced environment in the US, and ordinarily I wouldn't have a problem with that. I guess I'm just feeling down the in the dumps. That's a great idea about finding and ex-pats group. It would be great to meet up with some fellow Brits over a pint or a cup of tea. That might be a really good thing for me. Thanks for that. :thumbup:

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Rockgurl
All I can say is "I feel ya"! :(

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Hi RG, I think there are many more Brits (at least on here) that feel the way you do, rather than Brits that are totally happy here. Many of us have had 'friends' here that turn out to be fickle friends. I have a few friends here that I have known longer than 15 years, but they are spread all over the US, most of them we met at different military bases, so I don't 'see' them too often.

We just moved to SC and I am really hoping that I can make some new (real) friends here, our realtor told me of a Brit group that her Brit friend is in, I'm waitng to get more info and an 'invite' ;) If after a couple years here things are not working out, hubby says we will start looking at going back to the UK (if he can get a job transfer there) I want to give it a good go here though, because the thought of going home without my kids is not something I could do easily.

Good luck to us all eh'!!:thumbup:

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Been a long time, Rock, since you have shown your lovely face on the board. I'm so sorry to learn of your dissatisfaction but as a Yank, I have to say that your analysis is correct. The NE seaboard, in and around NYC, is filled with people who are competitive, overzealous, care more for superficial relationships, since most of their relationships are based networking, as it is it not what you know but who you know.

I remember your circumstances and ask if you have tried like groups to find friends or have you developed any acquaintances with other bands in the area? Do you even still perform?

Sorry to hear though that you have been ill. That will take the starch out of you fast when faced with having to deal with sickness, particularly you are going it alone.

You have a like group of friends here missing and longing for home and the sameness that they have grown up with. Come by often to alleviate some of the depression being away from Blightly has caused.

Hugs
Rete

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Ain't that the truth!! From one RN to another......I feel your pain! :(

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Well I'm an Aussie and am constantly asked where in England I am from, so we're even!

I'm an RN too, and professionally I have had completely the opposite experience than many I read about. I think I'm very lucky. I work in a smallish city (Pittsburgh), in a small team and my boss and coworkers are my best mates. Of course there are cows everywhere, esp in nursing, but I honestly have never enjoyed working somewhere so much as I do there. I think if I worked regular "floor nursing" I might have the same problems as you though - I'm constantly astounded by the culture of "writing people up" for random innocent things and dobbing people in for honest, minor mistakes.

So if all else fails, come to Pgh :) Cheap COL and house prices.. but lower wages too heh..

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OMG you have cows in the nursing profession there? Are they used to give sterile milk or are they butched for the stuff they call meatloaf?

:eek:

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:blink:

'Cause we all know that having a man takes away all the pain.

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Fish, bicycle, etc.

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Give me a break. I'm sorry the OP is having a tough time, but can you really generalize an area with ~30MM people in it?

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IMO she was spot on.

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Hey now, that's two insults in one sentence! I'm neither an old fart, nor is my memory failing me!

Surely it's just coincidence but I swear this past weekend I was wondering what happened to you. I think there was a new member with a name similar to yours, and that triggered my memories of your earlier posts. I remember them clearly (despite being an "older fart").

I really feel for you, and can identify because that's exactly how I have felt for the past 3-4 years - about the States, having returned to the UK. :rolleyes:

As someone said in an earlier post, when you are feeling stressed, ill, etc., it's not surprising that you want to return to the familiar, go where you feel wanted, and have old friends. It also makes it hard to even consider moving elsewhere (even in a better economic climate, never mind the sh*t situation we are in at the moment, job-wise, housing-wise, etc.). But I'd agree with other comments to at least consider another part of the States. I don't know the Northeast too well (spent 2 years in MA, but was too busy studying to notice whether people were fake, and besides, academia is just a different world anyway), but I spent three and a half years in middle Tennessee and made more friends during that short time than I did in the preceding 20 years.

Do you have a GC yet? Or USC? (OK, so I don't remember everything). I really do hear what you are saying but even if you are "sure" you want out, I'd recommend you try to get USC first if that's possible - give yourself choices. As one who didn't, I'm really regretting the fact I'll have to go through all the visa cr*p again (if I ever do get back there).

Hope this doesn't sound like it's all about me, and I hope you get out of your funk. :fingerscrossed:

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:DWelcome back RG, I know exactly how you feel, I do not have a single USC friend. I believe that part of the DNA that gives one itchy feet and want to leave their home country is also responsible for the feeling that you SHOULD have friends, even if your not really the kind of person that people flock to (or vice-versa). My only close friends are a nigerian neighbor and and South African workmate. I just don't let it worry me anymore, I guess having a loving wife and young kids keeps me busy. Also I am not interested in any sports which is often common ground for acquaintances.

Finally - Leslie - I believe RG is a Lesbian so at least she doesn't have man problems!:D

- Tim

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That was the Chimp/Octang that didn't remember the RC is a lesbian. Les was just being sarcastic

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;)

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Sorry about that. Well, I meant a partner to share things with.

I still prescribe a course of dancing lessons.

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I don't really find the NE that way - I'm in Maine and I find people very genuine and friendly. But maybe I just have low standards ;)

I do get completely sick of being asked where I'm from though...

To the OP, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. It sounds like a double whammy of work and health problems. I hope things look up soon.

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It never bothers me...I'm proud to say I'm from England. Although I sometimes say New Jersey and watch the :blink: on their faces. :sneaky::lol:

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Sorry to hear about your troubles RG. As others have suggested, maybe you should try a change of scenery. I can't comment on your neck of the woods, as the closest I've been was a year in Jersey, but I have not had a problem making and keeping friends. Perhaps I am easy to please, but I know there are 4 or 5 at least I could call on if I needed them, and they would come.

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Hello Rockgurl long time no see :D we ended up coming back and TBH this place is just as bad for eg the local hospital has just been rebuilt at £ X billion and they are already sacking staff and shutting wards. I really hate the way England has changed.

Hope things pick up

Re: Disillusioned
 

Thanks all for your replies. Lovely to see some of the old timers here (meant very affectionately BTW! :D ).

Rete, one of the saving graces is my band, and yes we still perform. They are pretty much my closest friends and thank god for them. We do manage to have a lot of fun and have been quite successful, so it's one of the shining lights of being here. Thanks for remembering. You're right about the NE...it's become even more competitive I believe, and now the recession has started to bite healthcare, I'm really feeling it!

The illness thing has sucked the life out of me. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, and have had 3 surgeries so far and am facing a 4th quite soon. Obviously there's no cure so it's something I've resigned myself to, but it's progressive and I do struggle sometimes. On the other hand I do go to the gym very regularly which I love, but have not made any friends there at all. It keeps me moving though.

coopa-troopa...you too eh? Do tell!

augigi....I hear you with the writing up thing. It seems like no one gives you a chance of the benefit of the doubt. It's so esy to lose your job here and you feel like to have to constantly perform and kiss ass to be one of the chosen few. I hate that.

Leslie....glad to see you haven't changed! *smooch* And no, I don't need a man! LMAO. I'm still with my partner...it will be 10 years in January.

dunroving...lovely to see you! So glad you made it back home....how brave of you! Is academia any different over there or is it similar? I'm contemplating going back to school for a higher degree but have no idea what to expect except for a big bill! And you're not an old fart in the true sense of the word...just in the fond sense! :lol: Yes I do have a GC and am probably going to do the citizenship thing very soon...this year even. After going through all of this I want to cement my options!

TimFountain...good point and glad you understand. I'm glad you have a couple of foreign friends...they must find it easy to identify with you. BTW...good memory! :p

Jerseygirl...when I get asked where I'm from I usually say Alabama. The look on their face is priceless. They actually believe me for a minute! :lol:

Redwing, it does make sense to move, but it's taken me so long to build what I have that in this recession I just can't face another move. Getting a job in healthcare is such an ordeal because they make you jump through a million hoops. You have to declare who your greatgrandmother was married to and what grades you got in primary school etc. :unsure: You know what I mean.

Thydney, lovely to see you! Sad to hear about the hospitals back home. It was only a matter of time though as they were unsustainable before. Glad you made it home safely. What made you come back?

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My son's mother is a nurse. She has endometriosis. It first manifested itself in college. She was very ill with it. She started doing acupuncture and it really helped her out. As you know, most pregnancies with endometriosis are ectopic, but we have our wonderful son.

Kristin swears by her acupuncture.

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Thanks for that. You're actually the second person to mention that to me this week. I think I should look into it. Unfortunately, things are so far gone that my insides are all eaten away so I have to have some bits cut out (sorry...TMI :o ) but everything's worth a try.

Congrats on your son!

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I swear a course of red wine and nights out on the piss is in order.


preferably in the UK.