DAVIE_MAC

Last ones for today -----



An Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes...."

~@~

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

~@~

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

"For ***** sake, you wanker, it's twenty to two in the *****ing morning!!"

~@~

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."
Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You *****ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

~@~

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

DAVIE_MAC

School 1960 vs. School 2008


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2008 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best.Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2008 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for
graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960 - Ants die.
2008 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch
list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.


Fact or fiction?

RodRos&Co.

Davie you have too much time on your hands,

DAVIE_MAC

I know...waiting waiting waiting.....for a house to sell.

Got a viewing on Monday however so fingers crossed...could mean us getting on our way soon as it sells........then I'll leave you all alone as I'll be to busy.....


Mean while:


How do you get a fat bird into bed..........................a piece of cake.



Now thats terrible!!!

RodRos&Co.

you're so bad.

Good luck with everything, hope it all works out for you.

Rosie x

lilacheart

Have a look if you like the simpsons...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nK_j1Kmb5A

DAVIE_MAC

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPzUd4xt-s8

One of the best scenes from one of the best & total class films ever made.


£1 man everything's a £1

Belter Purely Belter

DAVIE_MAC

koogar

Nice pics mate, but which f***in lunatic took that last one?

DAVIE_MAC

HA HA Tomorrow all will be revealed.....the last pic is on my work's PC & I forgot to upload it as you can only do 5 at a time.

DAVIE_MAC

The muppet photographer:

Back a bit back a bit right thats it...just a little bit moooooooooooorrrrr...


Do you think this is the way Mugabe got rid of all the white land owners & farmers in Zimbabwe....come swim in my nice new Zanu-PF swimming pool.....nya nya nya nya.....right turn on the taps Didymus

DAVIE_MAC

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming
voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish,
a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."




The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"

DAVIE_MAC

This is funny.......




How to Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How to Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake Willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your Willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire Willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed

koogar

have you got a knob that looks like a train or something Dave?

DAVIE_MAC

Nah you do helicopters don't ya.....grab it spinning it round going woo woo woo......Don't ya