funny emails and general chit chat.
Dec 31st 2007, 8:26 am
#106
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
It’s the last bit that gets me!!!!
...the Death of Common Sense
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the
burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want
It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.'
And a little
extra...................
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
employees and has the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
4 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organization is this?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.
...the Death of Common Sense
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the
burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want
It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.'
And a little
extra...................
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
employees and has the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
4 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organization is this?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.
Jan 3rd 2008, 1:26 pm
#107
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
This is quite apt for Canada:
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
Jan 3rd 2008, 1:38 pm
#108
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Some more for you:
The KFEAUTO file
BETTER WITH A SOUND CARD. READ THE TEXT FIRST.
This is a Volkswagon advert from Germany. When they finished filming the ad the people who made it noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist.
The driver even complained that he thought he heard someone calling his name...The ad was never put on TV because the unexplained ghostly phenomenon frightened the production team out of their wits. Watch it and about halfway look and you will see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road......Spooky!
Turn the sound right up, you can hear something resembling a muffled voice.
The caravan film is a lesson on how not to get an articulated vehicle up a dodgy hill....really funny. You need sound for it again.
ENJOY !!!!
The KFEAUTO file
BETTER WITH A SOUND CARD. READ THE TEXT FIRST.
This is a Volkswagon advert from Germany. When they finished filming the ad the people who made it noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist.
The driver even complained that he thought he heard someone calling his name...The ad was never put on TV because the unexplained ghostly phenomenon frightened the production team out of their wits. Watch it and about halfway look and you will see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road......Spooky!
Turn the sound right up, you can hear something resembling a muffled voice.
The caravan film is a lesson on how not to get an articulated vehicle up a dodgy hill....really funny. You need sound for it again.
ENJOY !!!!
Jan 3rd 2008, 1:43 pm
#109
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Pics of the sky before Katrina hit N.Orleans
Jan 3rd 2008, 1:49 pm
#110
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Pics of the sky before Katrina hit N.Orleans:
Pt 2
Pt 2
Jan 3rd 2008, 2:16 pm
#111
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
OK Last one then it's someone else's turn
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and
goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an
escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants
sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."...
...to which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
too."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and
goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an
escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants
sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."...
...to which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
too."
Jan 3rd 2008, 2:28 pm
#112
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Regina Beach, Saskatchewan
Posts: 3,885
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
This is quite apt for Canada:
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
class
Jan 4th 2008, 9:39 pm
#113
Whatacomplete Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: Cheyenne, Wyoming
Posts: 2,527
Jan 15th 2008, 9:38 am
#114
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Office / Company Team Bonding dinner Idea...Koowl.
Not sure about how you have a wee wee tho.
Not sure about how you have a wee wee tho.
Jan 15th 2008, 8:53 pm
#115
PREPARED
Joined: Aug 2007
Location: summerside PE
Posts: 112
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
SOD THAT FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS..... 
Jan 16th 2008, 8:04 am
#116
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,' Because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs , 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum , 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The asshole is usually in charge
Jan 16th 2008, 8:07 am
#117
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
This is funny.....for all ex or current Mil Pers.
& True.
& True.
Jan 24th 2008, 10:16 am
#119
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Funny vid (now in the right thread)
Jan 25th 2008, 8:33 am
#120
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, youchuffin moron !!!'The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, youchuffin moron !!!'The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....