funny emails and general chit chat.
#136
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Why parents drinkThe boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' "Hello?"'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
"Yes ", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?' The child whispered, " No".
Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'
"Yes." 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, '"No."Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' " Yes", whispered the child, "apoliceman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
"No he's busy" , whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?'
" Talking to Mummy and Daddy", came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'"A helicopter" , answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter". Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ......... " Me".
"Yes ", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?' The child whispered, " No".
Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'
"Yes." 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, '"No."Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' " Yes", whispered the child, "apoliceman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
"No he's busy" , whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?'
" Talking to Mummy and Daddy", came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'"A helicopter" , answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter". Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ......... " Me".
#138
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
ATM
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
OK I'm waiting for the incoming..... but ladies you know it's true !!!
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
OK I'm waiting for the incoming..... but ladies you know it's true !!!
#139
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Ha Ha you are gunna get it mate you will see. LMAO HE HE.
LOAFY...
LOAFY...
#140
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Check out this Iraqi speed bump and a reason not to be going back on Op's but opting for the tranquil life of PEI...you don't see this everyday.
#141
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: 9 years in the canadian trucking industry... Niverville MB
Posts: 4,423
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
No white comiedian could talk this.....Don Burnstick and Howie Miller can
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suB_jHXvzNo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mizbDgR62Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suB_jHXvzNo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mizbDgR62Q
#142
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: 9 years in the canadian trucking industry... Niverville MB
Posts: 4,423
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
#144
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Received an email from a sister in Darwin Australia.
Background to reading this email - Adelaide to Darwin is a good sealed tarmac road, tourist, and lots of trucks / road-trains on it and is located in remote locations, the main railway was opened a few years ago, linking the Nth to Sth of Australia.
The train that covers this is route is called The Ghan - most of the railway line is in remote area....there is just a railway stop sign, no signals or boomgates due to lack of power and little train use each day.
This was in The Adelaide Paper today.....
Background to reading this email - Adelaide to Darwin is a good sealed tarmac road, tourist, and lots of trucks / road-trains on it and is located in remote locations, the main railway was opened a few years ago, linking the Nth to Sth of Australia.
The train that covers this is route is called The Ghan - most of the railway line is in remote area....there is just a railway stop sign, no signals or boomgates due to lack of power and little train use each day.
This was in The Adelaide Paper today.....
News Paper - Adelaide Now
Ghan crash truck driver was deaf, report finds
February 13, 2008 03:30pm
THE truck driver involved in a collision with The Ghan passenger train in 2006 was profoundly deaf and should not have held a heavy vehicle licence.
The Australian Transport Safety Bureau report found the road-train driver had bilateral hearing loss which "would have compromised his ability to hear the locomotive horn in the time leading to the collision".
The collision between the passenger train and the double road-train at the Fountain Head Rd level crossing, Ban Ban Springs, on December 12, injured many of the 64 passengers and 17 staff on board The Ghan.
The collision split the prime mover from its trailers, derailing two locomotives, nine passenger carriages and a wagon carrying cars.
Both the truck driver and a passenger aboard The Ghan were taken to Royal Darwin Hospital for treatment.
The driver received only cuts and abrasions despite ending up 18 metres from the train track. A British woman, aged in her 50s, suffered head injuries.
The report found the man driving the truck had failed to stop at the rail crossing where the accident happened.
"The investigation concluded that the truck was driven through the stop sign at the level crossing at a speed of about 50km/h," the bureau's report said.
"The driver of the truck traversed the level crossing many times during the course of his working day and had been in the habit of slowing rather than stopping at the level crossing stop sign."
The man worked for a company that was contracted to build an access road for a nearby mine and he had been crossing the train tracks up to 30 times a day in the month before the crash.
"During this time he had only seen about four trains, for none of which did he have to alter his normal driving pattern," the investigation found.
Data logged aboard The Ghan found the train had been travelling at 101km/h, within its limit of 110km/h.
"Other sources of evidence confirmed that the lead locomotives headlight was illuminated," the bureau said.
The Ghan is one of Australia’s best-known trains, travelling twice a week across Central Australia.
The route, which passes through Alice Springs, takes two nights in either direction and covers 2979km. The Ghan’s name is derived from the Afghan camel trains that travelled the same territory between Adelaide and Darwin in the years before the railway.
The line has existed in various forms since the late 19th century and first ran under its current name in 1929. A final rail link from Darwin to Alice Springs was completed in 2004
Ghan crash truck driver was deaf, report finds
February 13, 2008 03:30pm
THE truck driver involved in a collision with The Ghan passenger train in 2006 was profoundly deaf and should not have held a heavy vehicle licence.
The Australian Transport Safety Bureau report found the road-train driver had bilateral hearing loss which "would have compromised his ability to hear the locomotive horn in the time leading to the collision".
The collision between the passenger train and the double road-train at the Fountain Head Rd level crossing, Ban Ban Springs, on December 12, injured many of the 64 passengers and 17 staff on board The Ghan.
The collision split the prime mover from its trailers, derailing two locomotives, nine passenger carriages and a wagon carrying cars.
Both the truck driver and a passenger aboard The Ghan were taken to Royal Darwin Hospital for treatment.
The driver received only cuts and abrasions despite ending up 18 metres from the train track. A British woman, aged in her 50s, suffered head injuries.
The report found the man driving the truck had failed to stop at the rail crossing where the accident happened.
"The investigation concluded that the truck was driven through the stop sign at the level crossing at a speed of about 50km/h," the bureau's report said.
"The driver of the truck traversed the level crossing many times during the course of his working day and had been in the habit of slowing rather than stopping at the level crossing stop sign."
The man worked for a company that was contracted to build an access road for a nearby mine and he had been crossing the train tracks up to 30 times a day in the month before the crash.
"During this time he had only seen about four trains, for none of which did he have to alter his normal driving pattern," the investigation found.
Data logged aboard The Ghan found the train had been travelling at 101km/h, within its limit of 110km/h.
"Other sources of evidence confirmed that the lead locomotives headlight was illuminated," the bureau said.
The Ghan is one of Australia’s best-known trains, travelling twice a week across Central Australia.
The route, which passes through Alice Springs, takes two nights in either direction and covers 2979km. The Ghan’s name is derived from the Afghan camel trains that travelled the same territory between Adelaide and Darwin in the years before the railway.
The line has existed in various forms since the late 19th century and first ran under its current name in 1929. A final rail link from Darwin to Alice Springs was completed in 2004
#146
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Little 5 year old Daisy noticed a group of workmen turn up next door to build a house. She started to take an interest and began to talk to them. The builders, having hearts of gold adopted her as their site mascot and after a week they presented her with a pink hard-hat and some gloves. They also gave her a pay packet with £5 in it!
“Goodness”, says mummy smiling, “Are you working there next week”?
Daisy replies “I think so mummy provided those tw**s at Jewson’s deliver the f***ing bricks”!
“Goodness”, says mummy smiling, “Are you working there next week”?
Daisy replies “I think so mummy provided those tw**s at Jewson’s deliver the f***ing bricks”!
#149
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Found one but I might get more Flak:
When girls don't putout!!
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
OH OH!!
When girls don't putout!!
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
OH OH!!
#150
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife
"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says
the man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F *** KING PRICE"
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife
"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says
the man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F *** KING PRICE"