funny emails and general chit chat.
Sep 3rd 2008, 11:54 pm
#196
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Joined: Apr 2005
Location: Wellington, Nova Scotia
Posts: 717
Sep 4th 2008, 4:34 pm
#197
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: How Not To Show Off
Eh up mate.
Still here in rainy Hampshire...still no house sale it's a right load of old mad dogs P**S......
We have given the estate agent their 30 day notice of contract termination then if it still aint sold - even tho we have slashed the price by £15000 for 1 month only - we are going to rent it out again, pack up and bugger orf to PEI..cant sit around here waiting any longer.
We'll keep the house till we gain PR - as nothing is 100% certain - then look at the housing market here again to see if it has recovered any, by then it should be around 12 - 18 month from now so we should have a good indication by then, meanwhile just rent in PEI till the PR comes thru.
I will have to give the Army my notice of about 3 months so we should be out around Jan - Feb 09 right in the middle of winter YEEEE HAAAA.
Well thats about it hope your all well over there.
Cheers Dave
Now sunny Hampshire
Still here in rainy Hampshire...still no house sale it's a right load of old mad dogs P**S......
We have given the estate agent their 30 day notice of contract termination then if it still aint sold - even tho we have slashed the price by £15000 for 1 month only - we are going to rent it out again, pack up and bugger orf to PEI..cant sit around here waiting any longer.
We'll keep the house till we gain PR - as nothing is 100% certain - then look at the housing market here again to see if it has recovered any, by then it should be around 12 - 18 month from now so we should have a good indication by then, meanwhile just rent in PEI till the PR comes thru.
I will have to give the Army my notice of about 3 months so we should be out around Jan - Feb 09 right in the middle of winter YEEEE HAAAA.
Well thats about it hope your all well over there.
Cheers Dave
Now sunny Hampshire
Sep 4th 2008, 7:34 pm
#198
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 460
Re: How Not To Show Off
Wanted - Overseas Truck Driver to Work in UK
Benefits are too many to list but look at the few exceptions that you will be in good English hands, sharing the UK road system with the best drivers in the world able to walk around after midnight even meet the Bo Derek of girls
House is also avaliable so no need to look, just move in and work.
Sep 5th 2008, 12:55 am
#199
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Joined: Apr 2005
Location: Wellington, Nova Scotia
Posts: 717
Re: How Not To Show Off
Eh up mate.
Still here in rainy Hampshire...still no house sale it's a right load of old mad dogs P**S......
We have given the estate agent their 30 day notice of contract termination then if it still aint sold - even tho we have slashed the price by £15000 for 1 month only - we are going to rent it out again, pack up and bugger orf to PEI..cant sit around here waiting any longer.
We'll keep the house till we gain PR - as nothing is 100% certain - then look at the housing market here again to see if it has recovered any, by then it should be around 12 - 18 month from now so we should have a good indication by then, meanwhile just rent in PEI till the PR comes thru.
I will have to give the Army my notice of about 3 months so we should be out around Jan - Feb 09 right in the middle of winter YEEEE HAAAA.
Well thats about it hope your all well over there.
Cheers Dave
Now sunny Hampshire
Still here in rainy Hampshire...still no house sale it's a right load of old mad dogs P**S......
We have given the estate agent their 30 day notice of contract termination then if it still aint sold - even tho we have slashed the price by £15000 for 1 month only - we are going to rent it out again, pack up and bugger orf to PEI..cant sit around here waiting any longer.
We'll keep the house till we gain PR - as nothing is 100% certain - then look at the housing market here again to see if it has recovered any, by then it should be around 12 - 18 month from now so we should have a good indication by then, meanwhile just rent in PEI till the PR comes thru.
I will have to give the Army my notice of about 3 months so we should be out around Jan - Feb 09 right in the middle of winter YEEEE HAAAA.
Well thats about it hope your all well over there.
Cheers Dave
Now sunny Hampshire
I don't envy you re the house thing, but we landed in Feb this year and it was good, still some snow for snow boarding but not too much to be a problem.Take care
Rosie
Sep 10th 2008, 4:43 pm
#200
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
BETTER WITH A SOUND CARD. READ THE TEXT FIRST.
This is a Volkswagon advert from Germany. When they finished filming the ad the people who made it noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist.
The driver even complained that he thought he heard someone calling his name...The ad was never put on TV because the unexplained ghostly phenomenon frightened the production team out of their wits. Watch it and about halfway look and you will see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road......Spooky!
Turn the sound up, you can hear something resembling a muffled voice.
This is a Volkswagon advert from Germany. When they finished filming the ad the people who made it noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist.
The driver even complained that he thought he heard someone calling his name...The ad was never put on TV because the unexplained ghostly phenomenon frightened the production team out of their wits. Watch it and about halfway look and you will see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road......Spooky!
Turn the sound up, you can hear something resembling a muffled voice.
Sep 16th 2008, 7:50 am
#201
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow...........why else would I buy dog food??
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow...........why else would I buy dog food??
Sep 17th 2008, 9:50 am
#202
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascendsthe flights. The shopper may choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong RomanticStreak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love s_x.
The second floor has wives that love s_x and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascendsthe flights. The shopper may choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong RomanticStreak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love s_x.
The second floor has wives that love s_x and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Sep 19th 2008, 12:05 pm
#203
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Friday Funnie.
We all need one of these after a long time spent on the road or monging in front of the telly.
We all need one of these after a long time spent on the road or monging in front of the telly.
Sep 19th 2008, 12:51 pm
#204
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Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Now back in Edinburgh
Posts: 1,155
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
I have a mark one version of this . . . . . . Wife!
Sep 26th 2008, 10:54 am
#205
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
It's Friday so here goes:
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"
"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your
limbs."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her
hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans unt knees." She duly does this, balancing on
the springs.
"You vill pleese blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this
very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic
German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is
several minutes before she has recovered her breath.
Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"
"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your
limbs."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her
hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans unt knees." She duly does this, balancing on
the springs.
"You vill pleese blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this
very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic
German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is
several minutes before she has recovered her breath.
Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
Sep 27th 2008, 3:29 am
#206
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: 9 years in the canadian trucking industry... Niverville MB
Posts: 4,423
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the PM if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' said Harper, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Harper.
'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Harper searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Harper was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and
blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Harper.'That's right.
And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss. .
and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either'.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the PM if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' said Harper, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Harper.
'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Harper searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Harper was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and
blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Harper.'That's right.
And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss. .
and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either'.
Sep 30th 2008, 9:43 pm
#207
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
Just found out my cousin was involved in this.
Looks like there is a chance she might lose her leg as it was hit by the propeller of the other boat.
Not nice:
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']http://www.king5.com/[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']http://www.kirotv.com/news/17587256/detail.html[/FONT]
Looks like there is a chance she might lose her leg as it was hit by the propeller of the other boat.
Not nice:
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']http://www.king5.com/[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']http://www.kirotv.com/news/17587256/detail.html[/FONT]
Oct 2nd 2008, 7:21 am
#208
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,554
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, 'Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet.'
The wife takes the hint and says, 'OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.' So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone 'Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?'
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts 'Clumsy bitch.'
However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, 'Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet.'
The wife takes the hint and says, 'OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.' So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone 'Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?'
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts 'Clumsy bitch.'
Oct 3rd 2008, 8:14 pm
#209
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Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Now back in Edinburgh
Posts: 1,155
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner
Get out of shower
Dry with towel the size of a small country
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile
Walk naked to the bathroom
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound
Look at your manly physique in the mirror
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum
Get in the shower
Wash your face
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee
Rinse off and get out of shower
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time
Admire willy size in mirror again
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on
Return to bedroom with towel around waist
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again
Throw wet towel on bed
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner
Get out of shower
Dry with towel the size of a small country
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile
Walk naked to the bathroom
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound
Look at your manly physique in the mirror
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum
Get in the shower
Wash your face
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee
Rinse off and get out of shower
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time
Admire willy size in mirror again
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on
Return to bedroom with towel around waist
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again
Throw wet towel on bed
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Oct 3rd 2008, 9:32 pm
#210
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: 9 years in the canadian trucking industry... Niverville MB
Posts: 4,423
Re: funny emails and general chit chat.
No quite true...when i do the willy shake and the woo hoo sound,,she bursts into fits of laughter:curse: