Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Old Oct 27th 2007, 2:42 pm
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Default Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Well Hubby decided today he hates Oz after just two months and want's to go back to the UK. I have no choice in the matter as we have a nearly 4 year old son....all the hard work, struggles and stress getting here are now all for nothing.

I don't want to go back I want to give it year and then return. I have no choice. If he stays he will resent me and be unhappy and if I go back home I will feel the same.

Not a good situation...and not for our son either...he loves it here too. I got him in a great school and he has made friends. I feel so empty. All I have done today is cry.

At least we all still have our health so not so bad. Not looking forward to moving back...
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 2:43 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by OzzieNurse
Well Hubby decided today he hates Oz after just two months and want's to go back to the UK. I have no choice in the matter as we have a nearly 4 year old son....all the hard work, struggles and stress getting here are now all for nothing.

I don't want to go back I want to give it year and then return. I have no choice. If he stays he will resent me and be unhappy and if I go back home I will feel the same.

Not a good situation...and not for our son either...he loves it here too. I got him in a great school and he has made friends. I feel so empty. All I have done today is cry.

At least we all still have our health so not so bad. Not looking forward to moving back...

NO WAY Rachel........Please try to get him to saty a little longer , it is such early days for you guys
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 2:46 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

he wont change his mind
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 3:08 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by OzzieNurse
he wont change his mind

Forgive me for being nosey but do you have a very strong marriage ? Did you not split up before you left and then go back together ? ( or is this someone else ?)


Would you stay out there yourself ....????
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 3:36 pm
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Lightbulb Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

What a difficult situation; I feel for you Yes, two months is way too early to even know how you feel about anything. What has your husband said to staying one year? It really isn't that long in the scheme of things. It will be a date when you can both decide to either stay or leave. A target date not too far in the future (10 months now) could give him the time to figure things out in a more logicial way. I think right now he is probably missing home, but hasn't really given Oz a chance yet...

Whatever is decided please keep us informed. Sending good wishes your way
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 4:04 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

You've just unpacked, two months isn't long enough to try living in a new country.
What's his reasons for going back?
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 4:07 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

I don't mean this to sound naff, but do you think that crappy weather we're having in Perth at the moment is having anything to do with it? Whereabouts are you in Perth? Try going for a few good jaunts around and you'll soon find that there's more to Perth than just new estates. We live semi-rural just 20 minutes from Jarrahdale and 15 minutes inland from the beach. Our garden abounds with wildlife.
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 4:25 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

To add to what I said earlier. I have lived in the US for 20 years, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that after two months I hadn't a clue about anything, meaning whether I wanted to stay or not. I just stayed longer to see how things would go. The longer I stayed the more I liked the place and felt comfortable. It usually takes me a long time to get used to anything new, and the US was no exception. I really think that your husband hasn't given it anywhere near enough time to have a real opinion. Just my thoughts looking back on how I felt (or didn't feel as it was too early to form a real opinion.). I am looking at moving back to the UK next year, though as I want to be back in my homeland as now it is time. But, it is different for everybody
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 4:32 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by OzzieNurse
Well Hubby decided today he hates Oz after just two months and want's to go back to the UK. I have no choice in the matter as we have a nearly 4 year old son....all the hard work, struggles and stress getting here are now all for nothing.

I don't want to go back I want to give it year and then return. I have no choice. If he stays he will resent me and be unhappy and if I go back home I will feel the same.

Not a good situation...and not for our son either...he loves it here too. I got him in a great school and he has made friends. I feel so empty. All I have done today is cry.

At least we all still have our health so not so bad. Not looking forward to moving back...
If your husband insists on returning alone he cannot force you to do so as well. Nor can he force your son to go back without authorization from the Australian family courts. Seriously - go to see a WA family lawyer on this. Your child is now an Australian resident as you have moved to Australia with PR visas and set up home in Australia. Just because child is a British citizen does not mean that either parent has the right to insist that the child go back to the U.K.

Two months is not nearly long enough to decide where he wants to be.

Ultimately, if you both prefer different countries then you are going to have to either decide to compromise for the sake of each other, or split up.
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 4:41 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by OzzieNurse
Well Hubby decided today he hates Oz after just two months and want's to go back to the UK. I have no choice in the matter as we have a nearly 4 year old son....all the hard work, struggles and stress getting here are now all for nothing.

I don't want to go back I want to give it year and then return. I have no choice. If he stays he will resent me and be unhappy and if I go back home I will feel the same.

Not a good situation...and not for our son either...he loves it here too. I got him in a great school and he has made friends. I feel so empty. All I have done today is cry.

At least we all still have our health so not so bad. Not looking forward to moving back...
Hi Ozzienurse - what a damn shame for you - our situation was similar but the the other way round - OH loved Oz but I desperately wanted to come home from day 1 - I stuck it out for 2 years but my feelings of homesickness got worse as time went on, not better!

I know a lot of poeple say 2 months are not enough but I think it depends on how miserable your OH is there - at the end of the day I knew from day 1 that I could never settle in Perth. I think it's the depth of your hubby's homesickness and misery and how it affects both your lives which is important and not 'how long you have given it,' .

I know it must be an awful situation for you to contemplate giving up your dream of a new life in Oz and I remember how unhappy my OH was at the prospect of returning to the UK - but he did - and 14 months down the line we are ALL happy back here.

Where in Oz are you? Why does your hubby want to come back to the UK - does he miss home or does he just dislike the life in Oz??

Good luck with it all - my best advice having been through a similar siuation is keep talking to each other - keep telling each other how you feel and remember,everything in life happens for a reason, many people ping back to the UK only to pong back to Oz again one day, so who knows!!

Keep your pecker up and Keep us posted!!
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 5:17 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Really sorry to hear you are having such huge troubles so soon.
As others have said, would be helpful to know what it is that he hates so much.
From experience of living in a different country, it is very unsettling not knowing how things work, where things are etc. It does take some people quite some time to feel more 'settled' & probably not helping him that you & your son have obviously taken to the life very quickly.
Is there any room for compromise?
Best wishes & karma sent for a mutually acceptable outcome
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 5:31 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

I am sorry to hear this BUT sometimes we can get caught up with visa fever and as that becomes the main focus we do not stop to think about emotions. Did both of you want to go to OZ or did one want it more than the other? It is so easy to be swept away with the rush, who knows this may be a panic knee jerk decision as he is out of his comfort zone. I think women are much more adaptable than men... Do you think he would suck it & see for 12 months to really have a taste of OZ life? Ask him to list everything he expected it to be and see if together you can turn them into reality? On the other hand, I do know sometimes you can have a strong sense of 'this isn't right' and no matter how much time we give it it will never be right so better to cut your losses ..........
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 6:08 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by OzzieNurse
Well Hubby decided today he hates Oz after just two months and want's to go back to the UK. I have no choice in the matter as we have a nearly 4 year old son....all the hard work, struggles and stress getting here are now all for nothing.

I don't want to go back I want to give it year and then return. I have no choice. If he stays he will resent me and be unhappy and if I go back home I will feel the same.

Not a good situation...and not for our son either...he loves it here too. I got him in a great school and he has made friends. I feel so empty. All I have done today is cry.

At least we all still have our health so not so bad. Not looking forward to moving back...
If he wants to go back after just 2 months, but neither you nor your son wants to return, then I think he doesn't get a choice. Sorry to sound so blunt but even if ALL of you wanted to go back, I think it would be a bad idea. The only reasons I could see to go back so soon would be if (a) everyone hates it, (b) you have at least some previous experience of expat life so you are sure it's not just the knee-jerk reaction to culture shock, AND (not or) (c)staying for at least a year would completely screw you up financially far more than returning immediately.

You say you would resent it if you had to go back now. I can absolutely sympathize with and understand that, after all the plannng and expectation, and the fact you are having fun. You also say your husband would resent it if he stays. I don't sympathize with or buy that as a reasonable response on his part (has he said that, or is that what you think?). It's not like you are being unreasonable expecting to at least stay long enough to determine whether this is a temporary reaction on his part. For goodness sake, he obviously thought it was a good idea at some point in time.

While I sympathize with your husband's predicament (having been in his situation in about one third of my moves within and between countries), I do not think pressurizing you into returning home right now is reasonable or fair to you and your son. Can't he try to at least look at it like a 12 month extended vacation in Australia, with the promise that at the end of the year, you will all as a family reevaluate your position?

As UKC's you all can go home at any time you want, but if you return now and you realize you made a mistake, going back to Australia would not be as easy at all. Don't give up everything you've worked for so soon. Your husband needs all the support you can give as he struggles with what he is going through, but IMO, that does not extend to sacrificing your happiness just so he can go home NOW, rather than waiting a more reasonable time.

Usually I'm a bit more diplomatic, and I do sympathize with your husband, really I do, but this situation seems so clear to me. You should wait a while longer, unless you meet all three criteria I listed above.
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Old Oct 27th 2007, 7:40 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by dunroving
If he wants to go back after just 2 months, but neither you nor your son wants to return, then I think he doesn't get a choice.
I totally agree with everything said here. Your hubby just cannot expect you to give up all you have worked for without at least trying it out. And two months isn't really trying it at all. I totally understand how people have a gut feeling about a place - I did myself and am back home now after staying for a year.

As Dunroving said, it would be fine to return so quickly if you all felt the same, but you don't so it's really only fair of him to stick it out for the year at least. If at the end of the year, when you have really experienced Australian life and he feels the same you can come home and say at least you tried.

Good luck
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Old Oct 28th 2007, 2:34 am
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Oh dear - I really really feel for you despite our situation being the opposite way round with me wanting to go home and OH happy here.

You are saying that your husband doesn't like Australia. Is it Australia per se or just Perth he doesn't like?. Would he be truly be happier in the UK? You need to find out what his REAL reasons are for wanting to go home after 2 months. Perth isn't for me - I don't hate it - it just isn't for me but I know why and have had many frank discussions with OH and told him and that has made a real difference to him understanding plus the fact we have a very strong marriage.

Before we left the UK we agreed that if one of us didn't like it and wanted to go home we would move back as a family.

I wish you luck - it isn't easy
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