malcoltom

Two guys meet up for a game of golf and one says to the other. "Do you mind if the wifes' dog comes round with us, I've got to exercise it and this way I can get a round of golf in. He's very well trained, so he won't be a problem." The other guy says. " That's crafty, I'll have to remember that little scam." Golfer 1 goes to his car and comes back with an apricot toy poodle in tow. Golfer 2 tries to keep a straight face and tees off. Golfer 1 takes his shot and it's a real belter. The little dog stands up and claps furiously. Golfer 2. "That is absolutely amazing, does he do that every time you make a good shot?"
"Yep, every time."
"What does he do if you make a bad shot ?"
"He turns somersaults."
"Somersaults? come on..you're kidding."
"No bull, he turns somersaults."
"That is bloody incredible..how many ?"
"It depends."
"Depends ? on what?"
"How hard I kick him up the arse!!"

malcoltom

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"

malcoltom

GOOD WOMAN WANTED
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A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious
<
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

malcoltom

HOW TO SAY
<
English.......... I Love You
Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German........... lch Liebe Dich
Japanese......... Ai Shhite Imasu
Italian.......... Ti Amo
Chinese.......... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish.......... Jag Alskar Dig
Croatian......... Ja Te Volim
Australian....... Nice Tits

malcoltom

The old Colonel was on his annual visit to his old mess and was boring several young officers with his exploits in India.
He was saying. " I was hunting Tiger, a man eater who had killed at least thirty locals. I knew we were close because the spoor was very fresh. Suddenly, he leaped into view, not ten feet away. He looked me straight in the eye and opened his mouth wide, showing huge teeth and gave a mighty roar...RAAARGHH !!."
The Colonel paused, red faced and with a look of horror, shuddered. The tense silence became unbearable and one young officer said. " What happened then sir ? "
The old man quietly replied. " I shhit myself. "
The young officer, a bit uncomfortable, said. " Well sir, I think I would have shhit myself too, face to face with a man eating tiger.
The Colonel shouted. " Not then, you bloody fool, just now when I went...Raaarghh !!

malcoltom

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realise, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut up!!!"
<
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"

malcoltom

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
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Well, there's a very simple answer.
<
'Nobody' bothered to check the oil.
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We just didn't know we were getting low.
<
The reason for that is purely geographical.
<
Our OIL is located in :
<
The North Sea, off Aberdeen, offshore from Norfolk
<
Our DIPSTICKS Are located in Downing Street

BEVS

giggle

dollface

Sounds good - will be waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEVS

Am envious. Last cracking Halloween party we went to was at our rugby clubhouse back in the UK.

Bet it was a good'un

malcoltom

Am back. Been busy decorating the new loft conversion we have had done seeing as we are not coming down under.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ........ whether you're here or not."

malcoltom

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

malcoltom

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

malcoltom

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

malcoltom

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."