malcoltom

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

malcoltom

An RAF pilot flying in Afghanistan noticed two flying carpets either of his plane with a machine gunner sat on each carpet. He got nervous and shot them both down.
When he returned to base he got court marshalled.
Apparantley they were allied carpets.

malcoltom

God asked Jesus to try loads of different drugs so he could try and understand modern man. Jesus asks his disciples to each fetch him some drugs.
Mark brought cocaine, matthew brought LSD and Judas, well, Judas brought the bloody drug squad.

malcoltom

little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?".
The shop keeper's heart melted. He got down on his knees so that he was on her level and said "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?"
The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and whispered
"I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a *****"!

malcoltom

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

malcoltom

NOT FOR THE WEAK STOMACHS.

A man, dying from thirst, was crawling through the desert. He crawled over a hill and sees a little bar surrounded by cars. He crawls in the front door and up to the bar. He chokes out the word, "Water!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Got any money?"
The guy shakes his head no and again says, "Water!"
The bartender says, "No money, no water."
The guy looks around and spots a spittoon. He tells the bartender, "Guess I'll have to drink this."
The bartender replies, "Be my guest, no money, no water."
Customers see the man drinking out of the spittoon, start getting sick and start rushing out the door in droves.
The bartender gets alarmed and tells the guy to stop, saying he was just kidding. The guy keeps on drinking. By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. He pleads with the guy to stop drinking.
As the last customer leaves the guy puts the spittoon down and wipes his mouth off. The bartender asks, "Why did you keep on drinking? I told you I was just kidding."
The man responds, "I couldn't stop."
"Why not?" the bartender asks.
The guy replies, "Cos it was all one long string!"

malcoltom

An absolutely stunning 23 year old girl desperately wanted to be rich.....but she certainly didn't want to have to work. She didn't like the thought of marrying a rich guy, because it would only put a damper on all her party action. After a lot of thought, she decided her best bet was to marry some really old rich guy so that her departure from the party scene would be brief.
After a good deal of searching, she set her sights on a west Texas oilman/rancher who was pushing 90 years of age.
After wooing the man with all she had, they were married. He flew her to Manhattan for the honeymoon, taking her to the fanciest suite in the best hotel in town. After getting to their room, the old man wandered into the bathroom. The girl draped herself in the sexiest teddy she had and stretched out on the bed thinking how after only one night, she was bound to be a very rich widow.
Presently the old man walked out of the bathroom sporting the most enormous erection the girl had ever seen, and it was sheathed in a condom. The old man had wads of cotton stuffed in both ears and a clothespin on his nose.
Jumping off the bed, the girl asked "Why the hell do you look like that?".....
The old man chuckled and said "Darlin', there are two things in this world that I just can't stand.....the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber".

malcoltom

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
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He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
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The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
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The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
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The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
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The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
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If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
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The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

malcoltom

I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
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What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?
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Wow, I thought to myself. Things are looking up! So I responded to her - Thank you for asking, I'll have chicken.
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Screw you, she said. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.

malcoltom

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
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"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

malcoltom

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices that
at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever
seen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have
her....He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any
Spanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comes
back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....he
says to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....but
this is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to get
her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the man
forks over his 10 quid and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a
champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his
compliments.....
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The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather
disinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off her
barstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a most
seductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrifically
excited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders
and leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on his
neck....and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"

malcoltom

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor
operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in
a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before
they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre
door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the
sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks
away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second
man comes over and does the same examinations.
When the third man starts examining her body so closely,
she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are
fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start th
operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have
no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

malcoltom

One for the ladie's
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Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?
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Because he's plugged into a woman!

malcoltom

Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost
all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a
bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an
even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her
way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying
on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me,
miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of
breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing
on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit
as you have for the past week." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked
rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight!"

malcoltom

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
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When the power goes off.



Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
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Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.