malcoltom

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much.
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The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
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This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
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"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
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"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

malcoltom

Two drunks are in a pub sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, have you
ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
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"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."

malcoltom

A rabbit walks into a bar one lunchtime, orders a beer and asks the Barman if they do food.
"Yes, we do," replies the barman. "We've got cheese sandwiches, ham sandwiches or cheese and ham sandwiches, toasted or plain."
So the rabbit orders a toasted cheese sandwich.
When it arrives, he eats it in one and downs his pint. Then the rabbit orders another beer, and asks again what food they do.
"We've got cheese sandwiches, ham sandwiches or cheese and ham sandwiches, toasted or plain," says the barman.
The rabbit orders a ham toasted sandwich which he again downs in one and finishes his pint.
Again he approaches the bar, orders a beer, and asks what food they do.
"We've got cheese sandwiches, ham sandwiches or cheese and ham sandwiches, toasted or plain," recites the barman.
This time the rabbit orders toasted cheese and ham. When it arrives he downs it in one, and drops down dead.
Now, the barman had grown fond of the rabbit so he decides to bury it in the garden behind the pub.
That night, as the pub is just starting to fill up, they hear an eerie moaning and the ghost of the rabbit walks through the wall. Everyone except the barman legs it out of the pub in fright, so the barman turns to the rabbit and says, "Hey why did you scare off all my customers?"
"Sorry," says the rabbit. "Didn't mean to."
"Never mind," says the barman. "Now you’re here you might as well have another beer, and do you want a sandwich?"
"Oh no," says the rabbit "that's what killed me."
"What do you mean?" says the barman. "What killed you?"
"Mixin' me toasties (MYXOMATOSIS)."

malcoltom

A Scouser takes his 16 year old son to the pub for the first time and orders them a few beers each. They down these and the father orders a few more with a couple of shots. This carries on for a while, and eventually the son drags himself out of the pub, curls up on the pavement and proceeds to puke his guts out. The father strolls over, prods his son with his toe and says, "see? And all these years you and your mother think I come here because its fun!"

malcoltom

And that my friends is your lot for the next two weeks.
Flying off to sunny HOT Egypt tomorrow night for a well deserved break.

Sure Dollface can find some jokes to keep you going.

In that order.

dollface

Have a great holiday - which part are you off to? done all the touristy things there - FANTASTIC!

As for the jokes, we'll just wait for your return. Remember the pics of your white bits!

lardyl

As Mal's away here is a choice morsel that landed in my inbox recently....Mal could have taken it with him as it comes in downloadable form.......

of course this all happens *before* you are taken out by the air marshal/beaten to a pulp and your laptop confiscated and then left to rot in an Egyptian prison........

But you might have a giggle first.....

Happy holidays folks

Numptyhead

Subject: His & Hers diary

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere
else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront
him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and
cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the All Blacks lost. At least I got laid.

BEVS

Oo Happy Hols mate.

We loved Egypt when we went there. Thread and pics when you get back please.

malcoltom

Some pics from Egypt

BEVS

OMG That looks brill.

Right. I might have to find mine and add them to this.

Am thinking the swine flu thingy was a bit over the top though

malcoltom

A young, beautiful woman gets into a lift, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, £100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, £150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49p a pound!"

malcoltom

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.
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"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
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"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
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"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
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"No, they won't," Jim replies.
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"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten quid your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
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"You're on!" says Jim.
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Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten quid on the counter in front of the clerk.
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"So the paint killed your bird?"
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"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

malcoltom

I walked in a strip club last night and saw a muslim girl on stage and all the men were shouting
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"Show us your face!"

malcoltom

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
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The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
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"Yes I do!"
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"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
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"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
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"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
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"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
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"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
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"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
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"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
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"Well, then I pick up some of the shhit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
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"Well, what if there ain't no shhit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
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"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shhit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."