bandrui

This woman agrees with you.

Bluegrass Lass

I'd like to think no one on here is telling Joe to up and leave his kids. I can understand him not staying with his wife. However, assuming he wants to be involved with his kids, he needs to get his immigration status sorted out. Unfortunately, he will have to involve his wife though, in order to adjust his status. I hope she will cooperate with him, as his continuing presence in the US, and continuing involvement with their kids, depends on it.

If he files now, and gets approved, it's likely he will receive a 10yr green card, and will able to skip the 2yr conditional card.

Joe, perhaps all this nebulous crap surrounding your lack of status is contributing to your feelings about the US. The US is far, far from perfect, but if you can get your status sorted, perhaps find a job and help your family's financial security, you'll enjoy living here more. It sounds like you've only lived in one location, so maybe you could consider moving elsewhere within the US to a place that feels more like home. If she doesn't want to move to England, then perhaps relocating within the US would give you the best of both worlds...of course, that assumes you still love your wife and want to stay with her.

Living with someone with bipolar disorder is hard at the best of times, but more so when they haven't been diagnosed and aren't receiving meds or therapy. My stepsister has it, and it's like knowing two different people. I hope you can get her the help she needs for the sake of your relationship and for the security of your children.

Joe B

Its very difficult. For some reason, generally my wife likes to do the shopping day by day. We went after she finished work and now she wants me to go again for diapers. I have a splitting headache and I said we have enough until tomorrow and she then got all moody. I prefer to get all the shopping done at the weekend in one go, I have been every day this week. Every time I want to change how we live for the better she gets moody.

Today I talked about getting a green card and she seemed fine and I said I need to get about $3,000 but she goes quiet when the money is mentioned. What gets me is if I do get a green card and a job, she'll not be quiet on pay day.

For instance we have a beautiful Neapolitan fire surround with turned wood moldings and mirror over the top. It is well worth over $1,000 and could be $3,000 maybe more, I would have this off the wall in a jiffy and down to the antiquity dealer to fund the green card, but my wife doesn't want to sell anything.

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm married, I feel like I'm her boyfriend. She is the breadwinner and trying to get her on the same page with 'us' funding the green card is hard. She doesn't seem to realize that paying the green card fees means me getting a job and earning thousands for our family.

This makes me feel more and more bitter. My idea of marriage is that we share. One day I'll be breadwinner and she may not be working and she may want something, in the past I would have done my best to get it, now I'm not sure.

bandrui

Joe, I think it is very important that you establish boundaries, meaning that you don't permit yourself to be controlled by her moods and dictates, i.e. her moods are her domain, your ways, wishes and desires are your domain. It sounds very much as though she manipulates you with her moods and mannerisms but you don't need to let this happen.
We can only be manipulated to the degree that we allow it.
I certainly don't want to tell you what to do but just as an example, you could say "OK, we need to make a plan for my green card. I would like to do this together as a shared exercise but if you are unwilling, I shall have to make the plan myself."
.. and it is certainly reasonable to say "No, since there are enough diapers for today. I will pick some more up tomorrow." Remember you have a right to your feelings, wishes and needs too, and if she is unwilling to cooperate and compromise, there is no reason that you have to always bow to her wishes. Think about setting some boundaries for yourself. This is an exercise for all of us to show that we deserve to be treated well.

moi

Your wife could also have post partum depression as you mentioned you have very young children 1 and 2.
I would love to hear your wifes side of the story.

sallysimmons

Me too. Bad relationships usually have two victims and two perpetrators.

The key to getting through the bad times is for both people to understanding exactly how they themselves are perpetrators, and in what ways their spouse is also a victim.

Joe B

We have been to two different marriage councilors so they can hear both sides of the story at the end they offer healthy advice for us to follow. My wife simply ignores what they have said.

One was that we would both be responsible on how money was to be managed. This was suggested in January 2011 and nothing as changed since. My wife gets the money and spends it how she pleases, next week 1 or 2 days before her next pay day we will have no money. This is how it always is.

My biggest problem is not being assertive enough. I'm either passive or get really annoyed with her.

Joe B

She was like it before she had the kids.

rebeccajo

I hate to tell you this, but a USC spouse who doesn't realize the importance of her foreign husband's legal residency is a dunce.

It's not just that you cannot work. You are illegally present in the US, and you've been that way for a long time. If you decide to leave without adjusting your status, you have a 10 year bar against you for entry into the US. That means you won't be seeing your children unless she brings them to you. Even when that 10 years pass, you can never again enter the US on the Visa Waiver. You will have to seek a B visa from the US consulate in London.

I actually consider this to be a form of spousal abuse against a foreign partner.

Joe B

"spousal abuse against a foreign partner" I like that a lot. When we got married she joked with her work mates that I was her mail order bride, I don't think she was joking.

She used to say I shouldn't worry about a green card I should be glad I was in the US.

1/2 hour ago she asked me to go to Walmart for chocolate and I said okay but can we at least start getting weekly snacks in at one go and she said no because they'll get eaten too fast and then reminded me of how she had been to work all day. I said I'll go but I just want to stop having to go every night. She told me to forget it.

Wednesday night 11pm while we are snug in bed she asked me to go to Walmart for chips.

Honestly if she doesn't get her way on 'everything' (except one, me drinking tea, she told the marriage councilor that I should stop and the marriage councilor told her that an Englishman should have his tea lol) she gets upset and seeks to punish me, its kind of like psychological bullying.

moi

1/2 hour ago she asked me to go to Walmart for chocolate and I said okay but can we at least start getting weekly snacks in at one go and she said no because they'll get eaten too fast and then reminded me of how she had been to work all day. I said I'll go but I just want to stop having to go every night. She told me to forget it.

Wednesday night 11pm while we are snug in bed she asked me to go to Walmart for chips.

Is she preggers again?

moi

[QUOTE=moi;9650911]1/2 hour ago she asked me to go to Walmart for chocolate

Walmart choccie - that is enough to get her to England for our Cadburys chocolate at least.

Mummy in the foothills

Sorry Joe but you have more problems than needing that green card, your wife is acting very weird, she's down right abusive, she likes you being illegal, it gives her power over you. If you piss her off completely whats to stop her calling the INS (or whatever they are called now) and having you deported so she gets to carry on as normal for her and you don't get to fight her for the kids. You have no power here at all.
Do the kids have their registrations of birth abroad? Or does she want to make sure they aren't recognized as UK citizens also.

thephionex

A couple of questions do you have a US driving licence if not how are you getting around ie to wallmart for chocolate and if not you are running a very hi risk of getting caught and charged with a crime of driving without a licence this then opens up a whole new debate

bandrui

Just say no.