Originally Posted by Wendy

I remember one year we took my Mum on holiday with us to Greece. We put the kids to bed and were sat on the balcony playing cards with a bottle of Oozo (each!).

My Mum had nearly finished her bottle, and was extremely pissed when she announced she needed the loo.

About half hour later I said to my Hubby, I think she's fallen asleep on the toilet. Just as I said it she popped round the corner and sat down.

I asked her why she took so long and she said 'well I didn't quite make it to the toilet'

So I said, you dirty bugger peeing yourself and she said 'No, I didn't want to pee'

She'd only shat herself on the way to the loo

Originally Posted by Professional Princess

Poor thing!

You should read Leslies tales in the lounge about her shatting herself.

Originally Posted by Professional Princess

I shit the bed in Turkey a few years ago.

Mr PP shit the bed in Canada

Delicate stomachs....

Originally Posted by Vanessa

ok a poo story:

Friends uncle is a insurance assessor (or something like that). He had to go to this 'posh' house to assess their claim for insurance loss following a break in. Whilst there he needed to use the loo and couldn't wait any longer (most of the claim had been completed by this point).

The loo was very quaint with Laura Ashley type wallpaper with small roses on. Anyway he took a dump and when he tried to flush it, it wouldn't go down. After a couple of flushes it was still there. In his wisdom he decided to break the turd up with the toilet brush. This he managed to do but there was poo all over the brush so to get it off he decided to wack the handle against the seat thinking all the poo would fall off. Well it did but it also sprayed over the walls and him! He then attempted to wipe it off the walls but all he did was smudge it - he then left it there and went back into the clients - very quickly wound up the meeting and left tout suit!

Originally Posted by Professional Princess

I will however, admit to being a trifle nervous of going to the Namib Desert when I go on holiday. What on earth do I do if I the need takes me?

Originally Posted by Redlippie

I don't normally post on these disgusting threads , but when in Africa, do as the Africans. Go behind a tree and dig a hole

Originally Posted by Professional Princess

Now you see I have tried the toilet brush technique when I blocked up the bog at work last year.

I smashed up this shit and 3 hours later it had regrouped and was smiling at me in front of an orange type sunset at the bottom of the pan. It was there the next morning and resembled a map of Great Britain.

I poured kettles and kettles of water and the bastard still didnt go and my only consolation was my boss at that time was a right bitch and I had convinced her it was her shit.

'Oh that is disgusting' I said with faked shock and I heard her in the loo going 'Oh dear, Oh dear' as she frantically tried to flush it away.

Its the orange sunset that annoyed me, I just couldnt get rid.

Some turds slump down the loo and virtually go round the u bend themselves, whilst others float and bob around like an Aussie in the sea at an Iron man contest.

And its always the scud missiles that are the most stubborn.

As for emptying bowels, my mate shat herself when out walking her dog and she had to walk around the feels with hot brown liquid on her trousers. I mean, what can you do in this situation?

Sometimes our bowels take advantage of a situation I am sure of it.

Originally Posted by Professional Princess

No way would I like to use a squat toilet. I would rather lace the seat with bog roll.

I remember going into a public toilet in town and discovering after my brown birth/ring piece stretcher, that they had that hard toilet paper 'Izal' or whatever its called.

You try wiping your arse with that. Not only do you end up with sratches and tears around your rusty sherrifs badge but you are there forever trying to clean up.

Why oh why did they invent stiff loo paper, what purpose does it serve?

How many of you take a look at your 'children' after having them? How many of you have ever thought 'shit, how did you get out?'

There is nowt worse than needing a dump when you are out and have no access to toilets.

Nothing and I mean nothing seems important except getting to a toilet and by the time you get home you would happily shit in a brown bag because the pain is so bad.

(PMSL )

Originally Posted by Professional Princess

Im sorry but its my favourite subject of toilet talk again.

I was talking to my friend the other day and she said that she wouldnt dare go for a dump in her toilet at work or if she can help it, anywhere other than her own toilet at home.

Now I dont really give a shit (excuse the pun) and when a girls got to go, a girls got to go.

Having just used the toilet (we only have one ladies loo on our floor), I allowed myself to imagine the horror that some others feel when they do a brown birthing outside their comfort zone.

We are lucky enough to have an old fashioned toilet with a suction so powerful that your arse nearly goes down the pan, so chopping up a log is no hardship for our toilet.

Now providing nobody is listening outside, I am happy to lighten the load in any toilet and would even welcome a magazine or newspaper to aid my time in there, well a coffee machine would be nice but that is asking too much.

And if anyone is listening outside, then I put loads of loo paper down the pan - well I do that anyway as I hate splash.

I really should be phobic though because one time in Italy, I needed to go as a matter of urgency and I used the toilet in the bistro Mr PP and I were at.

The loo was right next to some tables where diners were enjoying their meal and the toilet door was a good 12 inches above the floor - just like they were at my school where you could see your legs.

Anyway, I came, I saw and I relieved myself and when I went to flush the chain, to my horror there was a sign on the cistern of the toilet saying 'toilet out of order - no water'.

And sure enough there wasn't, all you could see was a brown dolphin at the bottom winking at me.

I ran out unnoticed by others and five minutes later I saw this waiter wearing rubber gloves and carrying a bucket, he was shouting 'bloody tourists cant even read!' and the people sitting at the table who hadnt seen me sneak in, had to be moved to a new table. They all made noises of disgust and held their noses.

My fault, all my fault for not being vigilant enough to read a sign. So you would think that would frighten me into a case of toilet phobia. But it hasn't and I have blocked the loo up on several occasions since.

So are you toilet phobic? Or do you not care where you go or if you block the toilet?

Do you have coping strategies that involve a sharp instrument or a toilet brush?

I mean, to all you toilet phobes out there, how on earth do you cope if you really really need to have a brown fish?

I will however, admit to being a trifle nervous of going to the Namib Desert when I go on holiday. What on earth do I do if I the need takes me?

If I shit in the sand, some poor animal could mistake it for a crunchy flapjack and that really wouldnt do.

Come on toilet phobes, how do you cope?

Originally Posted by alicecat

Here 'tis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1J0Z2YvplY