Cheetah7

Im sorry but its my favourite subject of toilet talk again.

I was talking to my friend the other day and she said that she wouldnt dare go for a dump in her toilet at work or if she can help it, anywhere other than her own toilet at home.

Now I dont really give a shit (excuse the pun) and when a girls got to go, a girls got to go.

Having just used the toilet (we only have one ladies loo on our floor), I allowed myself to imagine the horror that some others feel when they do a brown birthing outside their comfort zone.

We are lucky enough to have an old fashioned toilet with a suction so powerful that your arse nearly goes down the pan, so chopping up a log is no hardship for our toilet.

Now providing nobody is listening outside, I am happy to lighten the load in any toilet and would even welcome a magazine or newspaper to aid my time in there, well a coffee machine would be nice but that is asking too much.

And if anyone is listening outside, then I put loads of loo paper down the pan - well I do that anyway as I hate splash.

I really should be phobic though because one time in Italy, I needed to go as a matter of urgency and I used the toilet in the bistro Mr PP and I were at.

The loo was right next to some tables where diners were enjoying their meal and the toilet door was a good 12 inches above the floor - just like they were at my school where you could see your legs.

Anyway, I came, I saw and I relieved myself and when I went to flush the chain, to my horror there was a sign on the cistern of the toilet saying 'toilet out of order - no water'.

And sure enough there wasn't, all you could see was a brown dolphin at the bottom winking at me.

I ran out unnoticed by others and five minutes later I saw this waiter wearing rubber gloves and carrying a bucket, he was shouting 'bloody tourists cant even read!' and the people sitting at the table who hadnt seen me sneak in, had to be moved to a new table. They all made noises of disgust and held their noses.

My fault, all my fault for not being vigilant enough to read a sign. So you would think that would frighten me into a case of toilet phobia. But it hasn't and I have blocked the loo up on several occasions since.

So are you toilet phobic? Or do you not care where you go or if you block the toilet?

Do you have coping strategies that involve a sharp instrument or a toilet brush?

I mean, to all you toilet phobes out there, how on earth do you cope if you really really need to have a brown fish?

I will however, admit to being a trifle nervous of going to the Namib Desert when I go on holiday. What on earth do I do if I the need takes me?

If I shit in the sand, some poor animal could mistake it for a crunchy flapjack and that really wouldnt do.

Come on toilet phobes, how do you cope?

I_Will_Freckle

I refuse to answer this but it did give me a bloody good laugh reading it.

The Crow

Ooh, I love good poo stories - me and my little brother used to spend many an evening making up poo stories (when we were a lot younger of course!) and I miss it!

I have no phobias and having had a bad case of dysentary, I have to go when I have to go

I have also had to poop on some of the most revolting, caked-on crap, mossie infested toilets you could imagine, during some of my travels. That did result in me far preferring squat toilets. When me and Adam bought our first house I really, seriously wanted to install a squat loo - I was over-ruled though.

The only strange thing is that I do have a re-occuring poo dream - well it's more of a wee dream. I really need to go and either the toilets are too public or they are filthy. Always a slightly different scenario, but same problem.

Tis a strange thing

Cheetah7

Can I ask what a squat toilet is?

I cant imagine squatting for a dump, I mean if its diarrhoea then you could be there for ages.

jerzo

Personally I wouldn't ever have a poo,crap drop a log , whatever you want to call it Anywhere except my house!!....... When I first met my OH we went away for 4 days and I was so scared of him smelling my eau d'shit that I couldn't go and needless to say came home with a really bad stomach i'm over that now,but i'd still hold on to it if we are out !!

Gross subject but funny as it's something we all do but some shout it out loud ,talk in great detail (yeurggh) or pretend we don't poo much and when we do it doesn't smell 'bad!'

I'm the latter naturally!!

I_Will_Freckle

A japanese style loo. The basin is in the ground and you just squat over it. Much more hygenic and it's easy once you get the hang of it.

Cheetah7

Ive just read your post whilst eating my noodles. One of the managers has just walked by and I burst out laughing almost giving myself a 'noodle nose'.

Cheetah7

You see after a night at the gym, I get shaky legs and I would be scared I would fall over and squash my turd.

And at home I do like a good newspaper in the toilet.

jerzo

Your'e welcome!!

I hope Aussies have a sense of humour

If they don't thats a big problem

adiestubbs

Err, what does a "poo story" go like then?

Give us an example please

Cheetah7

Oh I must tell you something.

The other night, my cat Gordon had been for a shit and a small hard lump had stuck to his botty.

Before we had time/chance to remove it, it fell off and hubby stood in it. My god I died laughing, he looked as though he had a hard brown fig stuck to his heel.

I could hear sounds of retching as he scrubbed his foot in antibac.

I shall have to stop because Im going to choke on my dinner if I carry on laughing.

Bobcat

A flying bomber

Cheetah7

(claps hands in excitement)

Go on you must tell us the poo story!

adiestubbs

What do we want.......a poo story. When do we want it..............now!
What do we want.......a poo story. When do we want it..............now!
What do we want.......a poo story. When do we want it..............now!
What do we want.......a poo story. When do we want it..............now!

Cheetah7

Perhaps a poo poem might aid production of a poo story.


Do you have a fear
Of releasing large brown logs
To block up all the u-bends
And scare off neighbours dogs

Do you start to panic
When your colon starts to sing
That it needs to slip a brown job
And stretch that tiny ring

Do you time your morning
Never shit outside your zone
You hold your 'baby' in so tight
And brown out in your home

You really need to try and change
Where you set your brown jobs free
Release your inhibitians now
And shit behind a tree

We want to hear poo stories
And tales that you have heard
Because the thread is dedicated to
The finest, biggest turds.