iamthecreaturefromuranus

[QUOTE=Bernie Barfly;8625352] I'm doing my research... I'm asking you, somebody who was there?. Seriously, what were French losses in the gulf? Two? Three?.

cresta57

Woman:

"Doctor, Doctor, my vagina keeps shouting, "Go Scotland!" over and over again and it won't stop.

Doctor:

"Yes, there has been a lot of silly Tw**s saying that lately"

iamthecreaturefromuranus

cresta57

A seven year old Scottish boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among the Scots, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Scotland's National football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

iamthecreaturefromuranus

Brilliant.

cresta57

"A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a***hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half'.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Scotland, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Scotland,' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and mediocre football players up there.'

'Really!' said the manager. 'My wife is from Scotland!'

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?'"

Bernieboy

[QUOTE=iamthecreaturefromuranus;8625366] Any loss is too much and an army's participation should not be measured on it's losses,go back to yer armchair and watch a war on tv

Bernieboy

We who do not wish england well in the world cup shall have the last and longest laugh

cresta57

Three guys - an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman - are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.

The Irishman says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Scotsman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Scotland, a wall much bigger than Hadrian's so that we can run our own Country how we feel, and no little Englander can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in or out for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Scotland.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water please".

Pollyana

I can see you're on a mission not to pay for any beer I'd better get some sleep, could be a long weekend Must find my England shirt too, it doesn't get worn often, but.......

cresta57

Typical [wannabe]Irish response that one
How can you possibly have the last laugh, when your [wannabe]team failed to even qualify?

* Walks away shaking head & chuckling at the idiocy of the barflea's statement *

cresta57

Time to go to work Ladies & Gents I'll get my coat

Bernieboy

I will laugh at yer inadequacies(sic)

Bernieboy

I think yer lodger used it as bog roll

scottishcelts

When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all.