scottishcelts

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

scottishcelts

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

scottishcelts

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

BadgeIsBack

It works both ways. Situation No 1 would not eventuate due to the Jock accent.

Sally Redux

Oh dear.

scottishcelts

We do have the capability of mimicking different accents you know

...and anyway, it's way more easy to do an English accent than it is a Scottish one

scottishcelts

See Cresta's previous posts!

iamthecreaturefromuranus

Surely that should be the Englishman would have the Scotsman on his back as we have been carrying you lot for decades.

scottishcelts

we like to hold onto a good thing once we have it

Circumbilivagination

I like the way this thread has gone from the World Cup to Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman jokes!

scottishcelts

Yeah but people have to keep in mind that it's all silly banter and nothing more.

Circumbilivagination

Fair enough. Will you be secretly cheering for Engerland?

scottishcelts

No.

Circumbilivagination

ok then.

scottishcelts

Mmmm, now I'm wondering - where did you spring from my little tender flower?