Sally Simpson

Yeah, would be great to be that spunky at 98!

camacazi

everyday a man walks up very close to a lady co-workerstanding at the coffee machine,inhales a big breath of air & tells her " your hair smells nice"

After a week of this she went to see personnel and put a sexual harassment complaint in against him.

the personnel manager said "whats wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?"

she said "it's keith the ****ing dwarf!"

camacazi

Black man finds a genie who grants him one wish.

he says " i want to be white and surrounded by pussy!"

so the genie turns him into a tampax.

moral of the story is that you may get what you wish for but there is always a string attached

camacazi

paddy wins 26 million on the lottery and goes to camelot to collect his prize.

they inform him that they're very sorry but they haven't enough money in their fund at the moment, but will pay him in instalments of 4 million a month.

paddy replies " if you're gonna start ****ing me about, give me my pound back>"

jazzys

Two Japanese families holidaying in the same resort on one of the many islands and the father of one family strikes up a conversation with the other.

Hurrow, whhere you from.

I from Tokio.

Ah, I from Tokio too.

You from North Tokio or South Tokio?

I from North Tokio.

Ah, I from North Tokio too.

Who you work for in North Tokio?

I work for Tokio Water and Sewage company.

Ah, I work for Tokio Water and Sewage Company too.

What department you work for?

I work for Sewer cleaning department.

Ah, I work for sewer cleaning department too.

What sewer number you clean then?

I clean sewer number 375 eastbound.

Ah I clean sewer number 375 westbound.

You, me, we like Nips that pass in the Sh1te


Jazzys

jazzys

And if you like the last sewer joke, here's another.


Two sewage workers are having a work break, and sitting by the sewer. One of the workers, Albert, has been at it for thirty years man and boy, and the other is his young apprentice, Neville.

"Now then Neville, when you've been at the job as long as I have, you become a fecal virtuoso"

"Eh, how's that?" says Neville.

Albert takes a long draw on his pipe (this was in the days before the smoking ban), and says, "well, you see that turd floating by just now, well that belongs to a carpenter."

"That's incredible" gasps Neville. "How can you possibly tell that?"

"I noticed some tiny shards of wood in it: clearly he had wood shavings on his hands while eating his lunch. And this one going past now, that belongs to a painter and decorater."

"That's absolutely unbelievable! What gave it away?"

"Streaks of 'A Hint of Peach'. And look at this one just coming up to us. That's my wife's, that is."

"No! No way!!. How on earth can you be so sure?"

"Got my sandwiches tied to it."

Jazzys

Suni&Jay

Monkeys

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on
board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am
and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an
Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver,
"and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck. And gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few
hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway,still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester
Zoo!"
"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, " ... but there is still fifty quid
left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

Suni&Jay

SENIOR DATING
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him, before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Scott

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.


The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit


Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant


Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.


Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!


The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.


Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?


Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.


Dave: - Oh? What's that then?


Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?


Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!


Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?


Dave: - It's in a pond!


Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?


Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.


Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?


Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house . built it myself!


Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?


Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.


Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are s*xually active with your wife on a regular basis?


Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!


Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't m*sturbate very often?


Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!


Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!


Dave: - How's that then?


Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your s*x life!


Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!


Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.


Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?


Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!


Stuart: - What's that then?


Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?


Stuart: - Nope


Dave: - Well then, you're a w*nker

Scott

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. Her dog and her cat are pulling the wagon. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl, says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat’s testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too I think you could go faster
"The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Scott

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all
the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank - every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f#cking widow."

Scott

paul30

Bishop Paul or Pauls Bishop?

Scott

i think he tries to pass himself off as a Bishop .

it was snapped by a guy i know in the window of a post office .

not sure if he attended the " sermon"

Bobcat

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into K-Mart at Joondalup with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to K-Mart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine ........ and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? ..... Do you really think they look alike, you f*****g great d*ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter on the door, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"