Sally Simpson

Bobcat

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

Bobcat

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Bobcat

Morals

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories..........................

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
chickens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said,
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks ..............and the moral to this story is:
''Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emilie.

Mick, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes.
My dad told me this story about my Aunty Cheryl. Aunty Cheryl
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3
bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank all the rum on the way down so the bottles wouldn't break....... and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the F**k away from Aunty Cheryl when she's been on the piss."

paul30

A sex starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband.
Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes
to a point where she hasn't had good sex for over a year and is
considering divorce.

After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets
home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go
at him,

He says "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".

She can't believe it; at last he's going to pay her a bit of attention.

They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a
hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".

"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it."

She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his
chin on her privates.

"The boys down the pub were right," he says,"a Goatie WOULD suit me!"

asher

Laying Off Sarah Or Jack
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

asher

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

asher

For all you clever Glaswegians!

A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager. 'Oh Aye; uff
dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ah'eh barras anat, know?',
nodded the young weegie. The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the
job.
The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through
it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was
settling in. 'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at
the boy. The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.
The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one? Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway'?
£101,237.64' said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One
hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty
four pence!
What in hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish
hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod.
Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...'. The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me.... a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four?' 'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries missus and Ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as well go fishing..."'

asher

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your ****ing bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

Bobcat

oh so true!!!!

 hehehehe woo-woo



How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your
womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups /
leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your
face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse
conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see
partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

*********************

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and
laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your
bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the
whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to
bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

johnnyyt

The difference of girls in nightclubs (I now want to move to Sweeden!)

Johnnyyt

cresta57

A bloke walks into a bar in Queensland with a large crocodile on a leash & asks the bartender if they serve New Zealanders. "We sure do" says the bartender.
"Good" Says the bloke "I'll have a large T-bone & Fries for myself, you can throw the croc one of them Kiwis"

Suni&Jay

Banana Cake

Ingredients

2 Laughing Eyes
2 Well shaped Legs
2 Loving Arms
2 Milk Containers
2 Nuts
Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
Firm Banana

Method
1) Look into laughing eyes.
2) Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3) Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined
mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger.
4) Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm banana.
5) Add firm banana to fur lined mixing bowl gently. Work in and
out until well creamed. For best results continue to kneed
milk containers.
6) As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur lined mixing bowl, cover
with nuts, sigh with relief and leave to soak (preferably not
overnight).
7) The cake is cooked when banana is soft. If the banana doesn't soften
repeat method or change mixing bowl.
8) If in unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash utensils carefully.

Note:
Do not lick mixing bowl after banana softens.
If cake rises leave town as soon as possible.

Suni&Jay

I know it's been posted before but....


Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 60 to 550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils with no provocation.
3. Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6. Yields to pressure applied to certain points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.

HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.

Suni&Jay

Subject: How to make a woman happy

It's really not difficult...

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :-
01. a friend
02. a companion
03. a lover
04. a brother
05. a father
06. a master
07. a chef
08. an electrician
09. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :-
01. Feed him
02. Shag him
03. Leave him in peace (to watch the telly)