asher

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to
realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the
hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other...
"Look Paddy.....there's that *****ing idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it!!!!"

flossie22

How would you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake!!

Mipik

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved
an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,
they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their
story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow
the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he
waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the
wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, " try it reversed. Have the young
man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.
" Once again they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and
hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young
man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has
an enormous room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

"You see that, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

Suni&Jay

Dear All
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program ..... Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be
a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the R5.00 I
found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of
my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late !

Sally Simpson

flossie22

What do you say to someone who wants sex with a dwarf or a downs sydrome?

DONT...its not big and its not clever!!!

Sally Simpson

OH! You have so let yourself down with this!

flossie22

bovard?

tell us one then?

Sally Simpson

OK, I admit defeat, am really lame at telling jokes!.....BUT.....
do you have to be mean to be funny?!

asher

A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"

The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."

The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"

The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."

The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

Sally Simpson

asher

I thought this was brilliant something to look forward to in old age


A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

asher

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary....

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Melbourne.
__________________

Sally Simpson

Asher, both were really funny but bank one too close to the truth! After-life one made me LOL

asher

I have ambitions to be just like her when I am 98