asher

yes all my family blonde except me

mands

mmmm say no more

asher

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

jerzo

asher

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

asher

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and then threw out my beer. She can be such a bitch sometimes.

asher

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied: “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

mands

good one

asher

A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.

Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a boat. "Let's go, mister, into the boat."

"I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord will save me."

The men in the boat shrug and move on. An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising."

"No thanks," says the preacher. "The Lord is my salvation."

Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof. Another boat comes by and they shout out to him through the rain...

"Hey buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance."

"I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven. I KNOW the Lord will provide."

As the boat departs, the satellite dish is struck by lightning, and the preacher is killed. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious.

"What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"

Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Hey! I sent three friggin' boats!"

asher

For three straight years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn, several times per year. During his last visit he'd finally managed to seduce the innkeeper's gorgeous daughter, so he could wait to go there again.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about us and that I was pregnant, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

asher

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man’s sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that’s how you load those things!"

jerzo

Fab punchline asher

curly

PMSL

johnnyyt

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going ............................ . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Almost
there........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Of course they f!"~*n dont.......
.
.
.
.Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
get back to
reading the other threads!


Johnnyyt

premkit

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks

'Exthcuthe me - do you have any widdle wabbits?'

The shop keeper's heart melts . . . he gets down on his knees

so that he is on her level and says

'Do you want a widdle white wabbit,

or a thoft fluffy bwack wabbit . .

or one like that widdle bwown one over there?'

The little girl blushes . . . rocks on her heels . . . puts her hands on her
knees. . . leans forward and whispers . . .

'I don't wealy fink my pyphon givths a fxck!!'