The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Nov 16th 2007, 4:37 pm
#841
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Tropical North QLD
Posts: 21,434
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Love the one about the Italian but it could have been any nationality of bloke really couldn't it?
Nov 16th 2007, 6:28 pm
#842
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,376
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Pirate walks into a bar and orders a pint.
Barman says, 'Hey, Mr Pirate, you've got a boat steering wheel hanging from your flies'!
'I know' says the pirate, 'it's driving me nuts'!!!
Boom Boom!!
Barman says, 'Hey, Mr Pirate, you've got a boat steering wheel hanging from your flies'!
'I know' says the pirate, 'it's driving me nuts'!!!
Boom Boom!!
Nov 18th 2007, 7:21 am
#843
Home Owner
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Hull
Posts: 377
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Some things you just can't explain
A farmer was sitting in the small town bar getting drunk. A man came
in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down
next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about a third full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over
the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket about half full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket almost full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my
belt and tied her tail to a hook in the ceiling. At that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked into the milking shed.
Some things you just can't explain."
A farmer was sitting in the small town bar getting drunk. A man came
in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down
next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about a third full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over
the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket about half full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket almost full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my
belt and tied her tail to a hook in the ceiling. At that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked into the milking shed.
Some things you just can't explain."
Nov 18th 2007, 9:54 am
#844
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Tropical North QLD
Posts: 21,434
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Nov 18th 2007, 4:15 pm
#845
egghead4+becky
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: was newport now sunny Bundy
Posts: 797
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
whats number 69 on a chinese menu?
twocanchew
twocanchew
Nov 19th 2007, 8:12 pm
#846
(^v^)
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: North East Tasmania
Posts: 2,199
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
Nov 20th 2007, 7:01 am
#847
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Tropical North QLD
Posts: 21,434
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
Nov 20th 2007, 7:02 am
#848
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 8,067
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Nov 20th 2007, 9:26 am
#849
(^v^)
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: North East Tasmania
Posts: 2,199
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Nov 21st 2007, 5:56 am
#850
(^v^)
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: North East Tasmania
Posts: 2,199
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
Nov 21st 2007, 9:13 am
#851
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Jimboomba, QLD
Posts: 309
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Those Scots are clever !!!
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?"
he
asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars -
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
the most perfect breasts he has ever seen. As soon as he sees them,
he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly,
kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting
them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite
them or not?"
Nah", says the Scotsman .... "Costs too much."
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?"
he
asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars -
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
the most perfect breasts he has ever seen. As soon as he sees them,
he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly,
kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting
them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite
them or not?"
Nah", says the Scotsman .... "Costs too much."
Nov 21st 2007, 4:42 pm
#852
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Tropical North QLD
Posts: 21,434
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Those Scots are clever !!!
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?"
he
asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars -
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
the most perfect breasts he has ever seen. As soon as he sees them,
he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly,
kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting
them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite
them or not?"
Nah", says the Scotsman .... "Costs too much."
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?"
he
asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars -
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
the most perfect breasts he has ever seen. As soon as he sees them,
he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly,
kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting
them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite
them or not?"
Nah", says the Scotsman .... "Costs too much."
Moral of the story? ALWAYS take the money upfront!!!!
Nov 22nd 2007, 7:42 pm
#854
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,376
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
Memo 1:
CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT
Subject: Fw: Xmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
************************************************** *
Memo 2:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
************************************************** ***
Memo 3:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
…………………………………………� �……….
Memo 4:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
************************************************
Memo 5:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: October 05, 2004
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
*********************************************
Memo 6:
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2004
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
FPMSL!!!!
CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT
Subject: Fw: Xmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
************************************************** *
Memo 2:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
************************************************** ***
Memo 3:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
…………………………………………� �……….
Memo 4:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
************************************************
Memo 5:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: October 05, 2004
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
*********************************************
Memo 6:
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2004
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
FPMSL!!!!
Nov 22nd 2007, 7:52 pm
#855
(^v^)
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: North East Tasmania
Posts: 2,199
Re: The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)
as an ex council employee this is just soooo true to life