TiddlyPom

Mensa Invitational


Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter - and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus :
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3 Intaxication :
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise that it was your money to
start with.

4. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy :
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm :
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis :
Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon :
It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes
and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.):
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido :
All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words .


And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.
The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj.
Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v.
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v.
To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, adj.
Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj.
Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.
To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n.
Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n.
Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n.
A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n.
A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n.
The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.
A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n.
A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n.
The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n.
An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

chris and farideh

Something to make you laugh.

Hot and Cold Sex
> >
> >
> > After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You
appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would
like to ask me about?"
> >
> > "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am
usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex the second time, I
am usually hot and sweaty."
> >
> > After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would
like to discuss with me?"
> >
> > The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
> >
> > The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual
concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex
with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you know why?"
> >
> > "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That"s because the
first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
> >

TiddlyPom

The Zen of Sarcasm



1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

TiddlyPom

How do you circumcise a whale?







….send down four skin divers….

steve`o

you were doing real well till the whale joke

TiddlyPom

A friend sent me that one. I'd never heard it.

I'm back on track...


Where do you weigh whales?









At a whale weigh station.

steve`o

sorry thats even worse
you reading a kiddies joke book

TiddlyPom

Of course it's worse... That's the point.

Just remembering my childhood.

Suni&Jay

since we're on kiddy jokes,
What do winney the po, thomas the tank and bob the builder have in common?
































They all have the same middle name

TiddlyPom

My kids will love that.

Suni&Jay

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

TiddlyPom

jazzys

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.'

Jazzys

TiddlyPom

OMG.

chris and farideh

A Woman comes home and tells her husband,

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,

"What happened?"

His wife replies,"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat

'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.'

It worked!

The headaches are all gone."


Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says,

"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of
fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says,

"Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two ! was eve n better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

" She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"



His funeral service will be held on Saturday