My sister in law was 41 when she had her first - she thought she couldnt get preggars.

You wouldnt believe the nasty comments she got from other women about her age 'being too old' or 'shes a bit long in the tooth for that'.

It is often women that pass judgement on other women with regards to their choice on whether or not to have children.

You've just described me, there.

I was exactly the same. Somewhat ambivalent about the whole idea beforehand but secretly thought there must be something in it - or no-one would ever have more than one child. I never had the slightest maternal feeling about other people's kids and definitely did not coo over babies.

It was completely different when I had my own - though I was happy to stop after two. I thought they were both gorgeous and loved them to bits. But even while I was head over heels with my own kids, I still didn't particularly like anyone elses.

The OP should definitely not make any decisions based on any perceived lack of maternal feeling.

I was 32 and 34 when they were born and it was great timing. Old enough to have travelled and had some independent fun and yet be established OK financially - and young enough to avoid all the health risks associated with older mothers.

Me too - I knew I wanted kids eventually....in the far off distant future. As a couple we travelled the globe, bought every gadget going and had a great social life. One issue I did have was the giving birth part, scared the S**t out of me - so wasn't sure I would have the nerve to go for it.

Now, 8 years later, I have 4 kids (2 boys then 2 girls) all delivered un-naturally and they are the best thing I could ever have done. We still travel the globe, OH still buys every gadget going and our social life is still great, different, but great!

As we are are travelling expats (4 countries in 5 years) I have found that having kids is the quickest way to settle. By going to antenatal classes, playgroups, school - you can't help but meet other people in a similar situation.

Best of luck with your decision.

Galba

For goodness sake don't feel pressured into having a child just because all your friends and/or relatives are.
I got married at 28 and neither of us wanted a child. Gradually our feelings changed and mother in law kept going on about being a granny and so we "gave it a go" so to speak. We gave it a go for nearly 18months before I conceived, and I had my daughter at nearly 36 by emergency Caesarian. She was small and had to be in SCBU for a week, and I didn't see her for 24 hours as I was hooked up to machines. Maternal instinct didn't kick in straight away, and I was depressed for a while. She didn't sleep through the night until she was 5 and was sick a lot with really bad eczema that bled- until we discovered that she had a dairy allergy. We decided not to have any more kids for a few years as we couldn't cope, but I hit the menopause at 40- and although I didn't actually want another child right then, was devastated to think that I couldn't have another one.
However, I do have a wonderful daughter who is about to hit 13 (help)and count myself lucky that I did not have to go through invasive procedures like my friend, who has eventually adopted two children.
Not sure what my message is actually, but maybe my experiences will help add to the picture.

Well today, a girl at work, maybe 20 years old, 'so, when are you having kids?'.
I do wonder with me though, I have put on a bit of weight over the last 10 months, which helpfully has all gone to my stomach, making me look pregnant (great). Two people have asked me in the last couple of months if I am pregnant, so I wonder if this is a polite way of asking? It is a good thing I don't upset easily.

And another of my friends had a baby today.

That is another very real consideration. Assisted conception/infertility treatment is very invasive, involves complete loss of dignity and is very painful at times, is expensive and time-consuming and doesn't work in the majority of cases. I gave up very early in the process - I just couldn't take it and it wasn't how I wanted to have a baby. We didn't want to adopt, so we eventually relaxed and enjoyed life again. No regrets. No worries about contraception

Spartacus - thanks for the advice. Very clever way of looking at it.

I sat and imagined the two alternative sides of the coin as suggested by you and it was helpful - I think being told now that I was unexpectedly pregnant is more appealing than being told I could never have kids, which I think is what Safin meant by picking up on my words that I'm scared of regretting it later if I don't have kids.

I love reading the experiences of all the posters as there is always something in each post that seems relevant or helpful to me.

By bizarre coincidence I read an enlightening quote in a crime novel that I'm currently reading. There is a character who never had kids who says; "people with children and people without them feel sorry for each other" and I thought that had some truth in it. I certainly don't feel sorry for my friends with kids but I don't envy them the hard slog or lack of day to day freedom.

Without being dramatic I don't want to "lose myself" when I have kids - I love reading for hours, or popping out for a drink with my hubbie. My life is easy, simple as that.

What I mean is, I think, is that unconditional love you feel for your kids enough to enjoy basing your whole day, every day, around your kids needs rather than your own?

I love my husband, family & friends enough to base much of my time around what makes them happy, what they want etc.. but I still selfishly guard a certain percentage of my time just for me. How on earth do mums cope without that "me " time?

It is hard at first without the "me" time, and when you get it ,you tend to sleep! However, it does come back gradually, and you are rewarded by your children. To feel unconditional love is an amazing thing.

Just one thing I forgot to mention in my post - if you decide not to have your own children, be sure to spoil any nieces and nephews rotten. I've told mine they're my insurance policy; when I'm old(er) and decrepit(err, er) they have to look after me.

i am 37 oh is 31 we have 2 kids already aged 5 & 3 which we love -

i however have wanted another baby for the last yr - coming of the jab - to do this - however oh has always said no -

he has only wanted 2 kids - however if i am honest i am not sure that he really wanted them in the first place - however i did and i got them

now for a whole yr i have sort of asked and said it would be nice to have one more ! oh has given me looks of you just come down from mars - like men do when they dont want to discuss something!

anyway yesterday i asked again - and he said yes ok we will try for a while and see what happens!

he has always said he is too old for another baby - not me - him think he means me really but is too scared really to say that

i asked him last night if he was glad that we had our kids and he said - and that they came at the right time for us - i guess there is no right age to have them - i am just glad that we did have them even if i did push for them far more than oh

I am 34 had my DD who is 3 when I was 30 and my son when I was 33. I was never maternal and didnt make a fuss of others kids prior to having kids. I was too selfish and liked my social life too much.

It has all changed since having kids. I adore my children. Glad I had them in my 30's as I was too busy partying and travelling in my 20's.

I dont think any age is too late well in my opinion mid 40's is probably the latest I would think about having kids but would never judge anyone at whatever age they choose. Its an individuals choice. I do sometimes think we will be stuck with the kids until we are in our late 50's/60's. I was 18 on my mums 40th my son will be 2 for my DH 40th bday and 6 for mine.

Jo

Glad it helped Mrs K.

As an afterthought. You're currently in a very privileged position; you have a choice, you're at a crossroads and you can choose either the left or the right fork. But by not making a decision, you allow that choice, over time, to be taken away from you.

Do you have boys or girls? We have 2 girls always wonder if number 3 would be a boy.

boy and a girl - i guess i am lucky that i already have one of each so i am not bothered if i have another boy or a girl - think a girl would be nice as there is so many boys on my st for master hitch to play with but no girls for miss hitch to play with

Spartacus - you should be being paid for your advice. Its wise and straightforward. I don't like the thought of my choices being taken away from me through my lack of decision making. I feel it is much better to make a decision either way myself. I am priviledged and feel grateful.

Thanks guys for the latest posts - Seasider I like the advice about spoiling nieces & nephews rotten as an insurance policy!!

So pleased to hear that everyone on here has had positive, life enhancing experiences from having kids - kind of makes me believe it will be great for me too. XX