Mrs Kiwi

Hi guys

following the other threads about what age is right for deciding you want no more kids , I have an opposite dilemma and was just hoping for the benefit of your experiences.

I'll turn 33 in Feb and have always said one day I'll have kids but as the years have gone on I've just been enjoying my life as it is & thought I had plenty of time. I absolutely cannot believe I'm suddenly 33 and have to make decisions soonish. Where has the time gone?

The idea of kids in an abstract way and in the future is great, but I've never been overwhelmed with maternal desire although plenty of people tell me that will follow after I'm pregnant.

Luckily my hubbie has the same thoughts as me - although he is 38 so getting on a bit.

We're moving to Oz in Feb and obviously don't want to have kids straight away there whle I'm trying to settle, make friends etc..

What age would you say is the upper age limit I should consider starting a family at? Bearing in mind I may not conceive straight away.

Other burning question - should I have kids at all if I like the thought of them but am not overwhelmed with desire? How many women out there were "overwhelmed with maternal desire"? I want kids more now than I did 10 years ago, say, but its still not something I feel desperate about.

Sometimes I feel that as a woman I should feel more strongly about having kids.

Thanks x

medwaymark

I have a friend who's 40. She actually lost one recently, but sure she will try again.

kporte

i am 42 and my wife has just turned 30. we are just talking about it now. and by the way, at 38 your hubby is not getting on a bit but about 4 years from entering his gladitorial arena of supreme primeness. the very zenith of maleness. etc

emelems

Can't speak for myself as I had my kids when I was 24 & 26 but I can relate what a friends said to me..

She had her 1st when she was 32 and her 2nd when she was 42.. she said that she had much more time and patience with her 2nd child.. she said she was much more relaxed about everything compared to her 1st and really enjoyed the whole motherhood thing.. She totally put it down to being in her 40s when she had him... she couldnt rave more about being "an older mum"..

Now..

My other friend had her 2nd when she was 42 also.. now she said she is worried as her "baby" will celebrate his 18th when she is 60... I suppose it all depends on how you feel about grandchildren etc etc... which is minefield considering you are pondering over having children in the 1st place

I always wanted mine young.. my 1st will be 16 on my 40th... that is a good thing for me.. not sure why.. but I just wanted to be a young mum.. impatience is a terrible bad habit for me so I suppose I wanted it all out of the way! (am kidding in one way tho..not in another! )

Just my ramblings tho! xx

Em x

sausagesizzle

hello

I don't think there is ever a right time to have kids, I think they come along when they are ready to be born, only you will know when this time will come. I would probably give yourselves a year in oz to settle in before trying for a baby, the first year is a time to explore your new city, make new friends, enjoy your new job and experience all life has to offer you in your new homeland.

Maybe you could think about doing a spot of babysitting before you go to see how it makes you feel / spend time around little kids / family with kids to see how it makes you feel?

best of luck with the move!

lesleys

Just be prepared for whatever happens. Kids are not automatic, so there isn't always a choice to made. If you really do want them then try ASAP, then if you have problems you might be able to fix them. If you're not adamant then just be happy with whatever happens

Damson

Kids weren't on my agenda at all and I was completely underwhelmed at the prospect with not a single maternal bone in my body. I got to 34 and, to be honest, OH gave me a REAL push on the subject and I 'gave in'. I was fortunate to get pregnant immediately with my now 7 year old and pretty quickly with my now 4 year old and can definately say it was the best decision of our lives. The thought now of not having them is really horrific. I found though that 38 was too late to have a baby as I am far more knackered this time. I would say though that they are extremely time and money consuming and the old 'kids won't change my life' argument is a complete load of rubbish. They do restrict your lives initially, but as they get older, they are much more fun and rewarding. One advantage of being an older mum is that you have done more with your life and done most of the things you wanted to.

Good luck with your decision

Mrs Kiwi

Guys, thanks a million for the replies.

Kporte, you made me chuckle. You sound just like my hubbie, he thinks hes in his prime at every age. Best way to feel I think.

Lorrielou - you sound so much like me with your comments about being "underwhelmed" at the prospect of having kids and not having a maternal bone in your body. So please tell me more - weren't you worried that the maternal feelings wouldn't kick in once you had them? Did that overwhelming "love" that mums talk about make all the sacrifices worth while?

I think half the problem is that all my friends have kids and I therefore am a godmother 5 times! I'm surrounded by babies & baby talk all the time. They are all lovely kids of course but I am always happy to hand them back - making me question whether I should have my own.

I'm happy to accept that my life would completely change when I have kids as thats the way it should be - its just really scary.

Would also love to hear the experiences of any women without kids by desire. What made you decide not to have them?

The problem is I can really identify with both camps so much - the women who have never wanted kids and those that say I might be mad not to have them.

kiwinow

Hi Mrs Kiwi
I don't know that anyone can answer how you will feel. You shouldn't feel pressured and there's nothing wrong with remaining childless, but I understand that you don't want to leave it too late and regret it. I had all mine between 30 and 37 with no probs and I did feel that overwhelming love, along with the overwhelming tiredness and overwhelming boredom at times. It's not all plain sailing even if you know you want kids.

How much does Mr Kiwi want them by the way? I think you can be a more mature and patient as you get older, but some older parents find much more of a contrast in their lives, because it's not so easy to drop everything and go out, especially if you're in a new country and don't have family to drop them on. Having said that I don't know any mum, including those who have always wanted babies, who don't at some stage resent them even for a moment. There are sacrifices to be made.

Unlike the others, I don't think babysitting or being around other's babies will give you any clue how you will react. It is so different when you look into a tiny face that resembles you and your man and is totally dependent on you.
I found an instant bonding with my kids, but not everyone does. A friend of mine got prengnant in her late 30s by IVF after years of trying, but never liked the baby stage and didn't really feel that bond until they started to become more independent at nearly a year.

Although plenty of women give birth in their 40s without a hitch some find their fertility has dropped, and it may take longer to bounce back the older you are.

Not much help, I know, but really it's a decision you will have to live with either way, so keep on gathering impressions. There's no desperate hurry yet.

comet555

I was a lot like you before I had kids. I knew I wanted kids some day, and for me I didn't want to be 'too old' when I had them.

When I started having kids I was 25. I wasn't one of those people who looks at babies and thinks "I'm so ready to have a baby". Even when I was pregnant I wasn't overly excited about having a baby in the house. Don't get me wrong I wanted kids and I wanted to have a baby. But babies always seemed like a lot of work and effort. They are, but they're worth it! I did worry that I wouldn't make a good mother because I wasn't into the whole 'baby thing' like other moms. It turns out that I didn't need to be worried, because once you have your own you get that you can love your kids unconditionally and the problems you see with other kids don't seem to bother you as much when they're yours.

So yes, it was scary in the beginning. I knew I wanted kids, but sort of wished I could skip the whole baby stage! Our lives have definitely changed, and it's definitely for the better. Looking back I can't even imagine not having the kids. They've brought so much into our lives, and have made it far more interesting than it was before. Even though I never was a big 'baby person' I still love devery second that they were little (well, almost!). Having said that I'm just thrilled that they are now getting out of that baby stage we are able to play with them and have some good and often humours conversations.

As for how old is too old, that depends on you really. For me I don't think I would ever even consider kids once I turned 40. I think 35 isn't too bad although for me I wouldn't want to do it much later. That's just my perspective though.

al150n

I don't think there is any wrong or right age to have kids. I had my older 3 when I was 23, 24 & 26 & said I'd never have kids past the age of 30 as I wanted to grow up with my kids & not grow old with them. I then meet my 2nd husband & left my 1st & decided I wanted more kids. I had my younger 2 when I was 34 & 36. I've always been maternal & broody & probably always will be (fluffy chicken as hubby calls me) but I won't be having anymore kids & for me the cut off point is now.

It's a complete split with a lot of my friends the same age as me (I'm 38 by the way) as many have children the same age as my older & then the rest left it later & have kids the same age as my younger 2. One friend has just had her 7th, yes I said 7th & she turned 40 a couple of weeks ago.

I think with age you have more patience, I certainly do but you can only go with what feels right for you & your husband.

Alison x

ozzieclare2b

personally i dont think any age is wrong really its how you feel. We had our son now 2.5 when i was 32, but we had tried for 3 yrs and whilst i got pregnant 2 were ectopic and 2 miscarried so we had to have ivf. I would love another child, but not yet (was a traumatic time conceiving and then having our son) but i dont want alex to be an only child. Im 34 now and really feeling its up against us if we want ivf again as its more successful the younger you are . We have also thought about adoption too.

I wouldnt put it off trying, if youve been on contraception it could take a while after you stop it, just my thoughts x

Petals

Same thing happened to me I was 32 and no inclination to have children at all oh decided we should try and I secretly thought oh well it will not happen but it did and I had been on the pill since I was 18. Fell first month and had my son and then 19 months later my daughter and at the time I was an old Mum.

These days no one is too old. Its what you want.

Being married at 27 and having children six years later was great, we got to have a great time and do all the things young people do. I am pleased I did have them later rather than younger as once you get older its not the same doing the stuff you did when you were young. You have to be young to do it and enjoy it.

Once the children came along we were so happy just to bring up the children.

Have to say though if I had not had children for some reason I would have taken no measures to have them. My daughter has unfortunately has a few health problems and if I had had fertility treatment the guilt would have been terrible, its bad enough when I have had her naturally.

pumpkin blossom

I am glad you asked this question, I feel exactly the same!

I am 29, hubbie is 33, and although somewhere deep in my brain I do 'one day' want children, I don't have the strong desire other people seem to. I am beginning to feel like a bit of a freak, and like I have to pretend to want kids more than I do.
Hubbie and I are a year into a student visa so even if we wanted to we would have to wait about 2 years before we have PR and a house etc.
I suppose by then I may be ready.

None of my friends have had kids until the last 12 months when they all seem to be dropping at once, which means I get even more 'so when are you having kids?' questions.

At the moment I think I wouldn't be too bothered if it didn't happen, but I'm sure if it didn't I would feel bad.

Anyway, you are not alone.

NigelWaring

We never had kids, didn't meet till we were 40 but now close to seventy we wonder if this is the best time, you have to get up three or four times a night anyway.