moneypenny20

I wish I could just not buy it, feral muck

Shot81

as i said i had more to come so here goes......

sort of goes off topic but I’m sure you will want to read this!..

user: I can’t get the photo copy to work...
me: did you swipe your card...
User: what card..
Me: the one it asks for that is printed on A3 poster saying...... please make sure you swipe your ID card in order to copy.
User : No i did not...
Me: well why don’t you do what it says on the poster and it might just print.
User: oh……


we had a Mobile 3G data card bill for £450......( 2 weeks before Christmas)
Me WTF who's bill is this! dumb arse .... phone up 02... nope card has not been used abroad only in the UK...last use was over the weekend...
checked our spread sheet to see who the number belongs too...
walk up to user...
ME: can i check your laptop and 3g card please...
User: why???
Me nothing much just need to make sure i got some settings right.
User: ummmm don’t have it with me !
Me...why not ? don’t you use when you go out to site etc..
User... well have a member of family over from Italy……. And he wanted to use the laptop...
Me: For ??
User: oh just the football score etc...
Me: ok.... cool ….back in 5....phone up o2..find out they were not just football scores but streaming data...back to user...
Me... hello.... so how was he checking the score..
User ..Oh he watched all the games.
Me: no way that’s cool, any good ?
user: yeah wicked games..
me: that’s good glad to see you enjoyed it...
user funny look...
Me. That’s gonna be £450 off your wages on your next pay...
user : WTF your fu^* so and so how the **** can you charge me that you so and so...
me: well I’m not charging you, that how much O2 say your data was... you went over the 4gb limit... and got extra charges...
user. I’m gonna kill that little shit when i get home....

he phones his wife I can hear her giving him lots of abuse etc...
poor guy did not know what to do about the bill... so i spoke to our accounts department and told them to hold on till Feb before taking the money...

had a guy who "lost" his laptop a week before he left... he was sorry mate someone must have nicked it in the pub... so i told him not to worry about and enjoy his holiday before his new job....did not really like this guy very much... so spoke to accounts and HR - £1200 from his final pay to cover the cost of the laptop....
came and saw me the last day... not happy again efing and so on....
hold him that as he was a contractor it was his responsibility to look after it...
next day the laptop turns up!!

had to Teach a 26 year old bloke out of uni …………………… what a computer mouse was...
he could not grasp the concept of moving the mouse and that doing so the curser was moving at the same time !!!! that was a fun 30 mins....

finding porn on users laptops...not just any porn but picks of their GF / wife’s...!..

users going on to a web site…………………. User saying….. they did not go on it.... me:…..ohhh must be magic...cos its on your history and according to our web monitor you clicked on 23 escorts in your local area and I recon Tara is the best….
User...sheepish look from the guy and an evil look from one of the girls in the office...who I’m sure he was sleeping with.....

best one is when checking something out on the FD' or MD PC nd looking at their email and seeing stuff like " yeah that arse needs to go" or "that silly so and so done it again".... or seeing.....
your massage has been booked for 3pm and she will arrive at the Mayfair hotel ... please let us know what room number...

more stupid stuff....

one of our users screaming and shouting.... crying....... and i mean really crying..... as she reported an issue with outlook and not noticed that i had saved the email she was working on and not deleted it.... only told after she finished crying..... the email was to her hubby telling him that "what she wanted to do to him"

pet hate…… is when someone asks me to Fix their mobile phone... do i look like a mobile phone repair man... oh i work in IT i can fix everything......



and here's one i had at 9 am this morning.
......
User: can you please reset my password i cant remember what it is...
me: ok sure what’s your name, and where do you sit...and what project are you on ....

ok found your account Password has been changed to… this is in capitals.. WELCOME.

User: ok thanks

2 mins later...
she calls back... i cant logon...
me: you did type in the password i told you to..
User: yes
Me ok, let me reset it again as i might have done a typepo...ok try it again....
This is in CAPTIALS… Welcome

User: nope still not working...
Me.. ok your laptop is plugged into the network right..
user: yep sure is...
Me: ok what does the sticker say on your laptop cover should have an id...
User : *******
me: ok found it I’m gonna connect to your PC...right I’m connected now type in your password.....

hmmm hold on... are any keys stuck as there to many letters...

user: no
me: what are you typing in.
User: I’m tying in CAPTIALWELCOME....
Me... ummmm no........ its WELCOME as in capital letters..
User HUH ?
Me as in WELCOME...in capital letters...
User: oh sorry...... it works now bye...

Hmmmm…. May be should have said in Capital letters and not capitals but still….


lots and lots more to come....might just start a new thread and update it with all the stupid things we get asked every day...

seayork2002

Another one of mine is the fact that when you "switch off your computer and switch it back on again" ACTUALLY 99% of the time solves the problem..................the 'pet hate' part of my problem is WHY IS THIS SO?????

sonlymewalter

Stop it, stop it, stop it....this is me

Shot81

the User ??? if so.......
keep it up as it keeps me in a job !

Shot81

if only i could put down everything..........
my worst pet hate is.... a world charity... don’t mind doing a name and shame as the whole department should be fired.. is UNICEF..... LONDON……… COLD HEARTLES GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR !!!!!!!!

they should all be shot......

some bright spark had the idea of upgrading the phone system.... decided to put in AVAYA.... spent around 80-90k on it.... 12 months later noticed it won’t do the job... no worries we will spend 200k on new switches etc... and get go CISCO VOIP. !!! funny thing .....they got told to do that in first place....

same bright spark.... put in an email archive management system that cost 50-60k....... 2 years down the line don’t do what we need it to .... let’s spend another 70-80 to get Symantec vault....
funny someone told them to do that in the first place....

same thing happened to some database they were running.....

funny thing was the guy who worked there... used to work for the very first company I did... they where an small IT company who managed to bag a support contract for the London office of UNICEF.....plus on top of that charge for consultancy im sure lots of brown envelopes changed hands!

sonlymewalter

me: "mate, my puter's not working"

You: "is it plugged in?"

Me: [nervous giggle] "oh, must be with me putting me feet on the bin. It's knocked the plug outta the wall"

Dontcha love IT illiterates like me

Shot81

hahahahaha, lol
had that loads too... just came back up from another one....

nice lady was moving desks.... can i move my computer to a new desk please....
me... sure why not... look at where she is moving to...nice 19" tft screen new computer....
umm... nahh you dont need to swap everything there's a nice pc already there....
user: but can i take my monitor then ? its got all the stickers on it.
Me.... ummmm that like 10 years old.... that over there is 2 weeks old and no one has used it....
she then just looked at me and i walked away ......

im expecting a phone call very soon

sonlymewalter

Stop it, stop it, stop it....it's me again

Pollyana

Irrational hatred of people who ring when I'm sleeping after night shift - its irrational cos they obviously don't expect me to be sleeping at 11am

Last one was a dork from Telstra 2 days ago: We are ringing to ask why you haven't paid your last phone bill
Me: You mean the one for $2.65 that says in large letters underneath DO NOT PAY THIS BILL
Telstra Dork: yes. You need to pay $2.65
Me: So why does it say DO NOT PAY THIS BILL in large letters underneath?
Telstra Dork: You should ignore that. Its a bill so you need to pay it.
Me: So why doesn't it say PAY THIS BILL instead of DO NOT PAY THIS BILL? I'm not psychic enough to know I'm supposed to ignore it.
Telstra Dork: I don't know, but you should have realised you need to ignore it.

They weren't impressed when I said that it would be better if they re-designed the wording on their bills, and that I was going back to bed so they could whistle for the $2.65.
I hate Telstra, but I think thats too Rational a hatred for this thread!!!

sonlymewalter

me: "mate, my puter's gone off again"

you: "what do you mean *gone off*again?"

me: "well it was on, now it's off"

you: "so tell me, what does the screen currently say?"

me "it doesn't say anything, it's just black"

you" switch it off and switch it on again"

me: "ok, is that it"

you: "yep"

sonlymewalter

dontcha love Telstra

Pollyana

Yeah right, nearly as high on my hate list as dentists and lettuce salesmen

Shot81

another one......

2 years ago during the GFC.....
in the pub drinking... hello **** ( company FD)
hello back, how you doing.
me: im good, was thinking of getting some barckleys shares they going for 56p a share! sucks i dont have any more cash i need to save for the wedding.
him: why dont you ask your mrs to be.
Me: already have and its a no go....

fastforward 1 year ago... got made redundant... by the FD... last day in the pub having a drink..
FD... so did you end up geting barckleys for 56p
ME. nahhh ... did not have the spare cash.
FD...yeah thats bad.... i got £50k woth...
me:

fastforward to today....£50,000 x 0.56p a share = 89285 shares
current sell price.. 3.33

89285 X3.33 =£297,321
-£50,000
= £247,321 PROFIT

sonlymewalter

So.....you're a loser all round then aren't you mate