An Englishman walks into a bar. There's normally a Scotsman, Welshman and an Irishman in this gag but they're still at the world cup watching the Rugby!

The Welshman, Frenchman, Irishman and Scotsman have just joined him.

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in." "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are." 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" 2) How many seconds are in a year? 3) What is God's first name? "Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy.
Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …
"St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"The Devil you say", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything."

What has been the best invention for mankind

Ans: Venetian blinds

Why? Otherwise it would have been curtains for us all.

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barber shop in Cleveland, to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wassah de treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga wassah perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whadda you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni."

Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa bigga basket ofa food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket. The conductore comma by, he wagga hissa finger at us an say, 'no eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car.' "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a bigga luncha and starta to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, 'No drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car.'

"So, we go to da club car. While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my bigga cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say," 'No smokin in dissa car. Musta go to smokin car.'

"We go to smokin car and I smoka my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to da sleeper car and go to bed. We just abouta to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da corradora shouting at da top of hissa voice," 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

"Nexta time, Ima gonna takea da bus!"

A Blonde decides to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle. In terror she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, unperturbed to its slipping rider. Unfortunately, the blonde’s foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune ... the Woolworth's Manager sees her and switches off the horse.

Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers fall of their boat backwards?"

Murphy replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be on the f###ing boat."

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.

The first mouse says: "I'm so tough, I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.

The second mouse replies: "That's nothing. I'm so tough, I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip on to my back and bench press the killer spring trap wire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.

The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream: "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"

The third mouse replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."