FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS:


TSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results
December Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

Thought you'd like to know.

I used the toilet after the wife this morning. Turns out her shit really does smell of roses. No surprise really, the lardy cow ate a 2 Kg tin of em last night.

A Welshman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and an Englishman were chatting in the pub.
The Englishman asks the Scotsman, “have you any children?”
“Yes,” says the Scot “I've a boy who was born on St. Andrews day, so we called him Andrew.”
“That’s amazing” said the English guy, “I too have a boy who was born on St. Georges' day, so we called him George.”
The Welshman was incredulous. “My lad was born on St. David’s Day so we called him David”
The Irish man suddenly jumped up and said “now my little lad, Pancake was born on…..”

That proper made me belly laugh, cracker

Rake


I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take
a shower.


I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,
'Where is the rake?'


She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, 'What?'


I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking
motion.


Then my wife wasn't sure and said 'What?'


I repeated the gestures. 'Eye - Kneed - The - Rake'


My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points
to her eye, next she points to her left breast,


then she points to her backside, and finally to her private area.


Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.


Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, 'What the hell was that?'


She replies,




'Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush' !!!!

They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

Is a lesbian with thick fingers well hung?

septic tanks for twenty years."

What's got no teeth and smells?
The gearbox in the wife's car...

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

I was shopping in Meyers the other day [with the wife] when a bloke came up to the assistant and asked for a see-through negligee, size 48-50-56.
"Why the hell would you wanna see through that?" said someone.

I am teaching my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground- He has gone from Barking to Tooting in less than an hour!

Pure Aussie








Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai . He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region . He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens . Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says , "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.
The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."
"What do you mean mate," says the Aussie. "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man.
"He say to become true Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit."

Murphy asked Paddy: "Why are you talking into that envelope?"

Paddy replies: "I'm sending a voice-mail, ya idiot!"