The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2014!!‏

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3


The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2014!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

No clean ones yet, I'll keep you posted

Well, hurry up wash them then.....

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Jim's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,

'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Wayne's first flight in the latest Boeing 847. All the latest equipment, very impressive.

Just before top of descent our Wayne has this sudden imperative to take a dump; he finds that the new aircraft has both a ladies and a gents - unfortunately the latter has half a dozen guys in line. They all have washbags and shaving things.

He grabs a passing hostie and asks if, since there's no queue at the ladies, she had any objection to him using it since he had an urgent need. "No, that'll be OK", she replies, " but on no account use the bottom button alongside the lavatory". As he leaps into the cubicle she calls "remember, don't press the bottom button."

Anyway, after his relief-giving dump, Wayne glances to the side, and there are four buttons labelled, top to bottom WW, ABD, PP and ATR.

Well, what would you expect? He gives the top one a push - and a soothing jet of Warm Water pulses over his backside. "Wonderful", he thinks and, before he knows it he presses the ABD.

For half a minute a wand plays a heated Air Brush over him, Drying his bottom beautifully.

The third one is even more sensual: a Powder Puff brushes scented talc over his pristine bum.

Wayne does actually debate with himself whether or not to disregard the stewardess, but he is so captivated by the technology that he just can't help himself. He gives the ATR button a light push.

He wakes up in hospital with an attractive nurse (now you *know* this is fiction) standing over him, adjusting his drip.

"Where am I" he croaks, "What happened?"

"Dear dear", says she, "They brought you in off that 847. Said you must have pressed the ATR button by mistake."

"So?"

"That's the Automatic Tampax Removal - your penis is under your pillow."

It begs the question, why would the buttons be in that order?

Because the designer had to keep the punchline for last

Yes, I thought about what I was writing and for half a second I thought 'don't go there'.

Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two"!

I see the guy who invented the time machine died this morning.
According to reports his funeral will be held last Wednesday

I went to sleep last night & dreamed I wrote Lord Of The Rings. When I woke up this morning I realised I'd been Tolkien in my sleep ................................................

.

I used the toilet straight after Deb and realised her sh!t really does smell like roses. Hardly surprising really as she polished off a big tin of them last night

A father and his young son are in a restaurant and he gives the lad three pennies to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the kid starts choking and goes blue in the face. The father realises that the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back. Two are coughed up but he keeps choking as his father panics and shouts for help.

A smartly dressed and serious looking woman is sitting nearby, reading a newspaper and sipping her coffee. She sees the problem, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the table, then gets up and strolls across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman rips down his shorts, takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist and then gradually squeezes very firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the howling kid’s testicles, the woman inspects the coin and reluctantly hands the penny to the father. She then walks back to her seat without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her. “No-one here, customers or staff alike, have ever seen anything like that technique. You were absolutely amazing and I don’t know how to thank you. Tell me, are you a doctor ?"

“No,” the woman replies coldly, "It’s all in a day’s work for me. I'm with the Inland Revenue."